I stayed with my DH after his long term affair.

[Fochit]

AMA.

Hoping this may help others 😊

That’s correct Tulipan
The difference is that if he does it will be different. No decisions to be made, no rug pulling from under me feet and I won’t feel like I’ve wasted these years.

An exact reason YesIDoLoveCrisps?
In these circumstances there is rarely just one reason. It’s far more complex than that so you need to dig deeper. There were many reasons that came together to create a perfect storm.

Thanks for posting and I’m pleased your happy too Bloomburger

I agree with everything in your post.
My DH was genuinely devastated by his actions so we were both suffering in the aftermath.

you’re

Ok, so based on your last answer, I am biting my tongue a bit. I have had a long affair - it is in a very different category to a quick fling and involves an ability to compartmentalise emotions, along with being very good at not getting caught. Those skills don't disappear. It also says a lot about a person's need to compartmentalise their emotional life!

My last question is kind of obvious then ... if you didn't know for years, how would you know now if he restarted the affair or started a new one? (I was assuming you accepted that would happen and had chosen to stay anyway, which I could understand more)

I have a couple of issues Fochit that I find hard to believe. Firstly that he didn’t cheat for almost 20 years
I find it very hard to believe that you believe that with even a shred of certainty.

My other issue is the rather grandiose There were many reasons that came together to create a perfect storm for his affair. Nah I would lay money on it, that it was sex. Pure and simple. You do realise that he told you the absolute minimum he needed to tell you, about what went on and why, dont you?

But hey ho, you're happy so what do you care.

Nah DrMorbius
Don’t don’t judge everyone by your own poor standards. He has told me things I would never, ever have discovered without disclosure. This was necessary for his own peace of mind and tbh, full disclosure means nothing really. He fucked up, the detail are irrelevant.

It was more than just sex.

Yes Hey ho, I’m happy
Are you?

Tulipan

The obvious answer to your obvious question is that I don’t know.

However, we have managed to eradicate or minimise the events that led to the perfect storm. Our marriage is completely different but ultimately, we are both aware. When you believe something is impossible you don’t see that facts there in front of you.

I now know it’s possible.

Also Tulipan
When you acknowledge and take responsibility for the hurt and devastation you have caused, reality hits you hard.
It’s not nice.
Is your affair ongoing? Has it been discovered?

Mine has been ongoing for years. I separated a while ago but not to be with him. It won't be discovered. He has always had affairs. One was discovered early on - I guess he learned to be more careful and she decided to look the other way. We are both 'split self' affair types. Secret lives. Compartmentalisers.

Do you not feel used Tulipan?

God no. I don't want him full time. I have a full life, so does he. I would rather he wasn't married or was in an open relationship because I do feel for his wife, he must be a detached spouse in ways that can be quite damaging, but that's their business. She obviously prefers to be married, he prefers to be married, and I don't need him in that way. We fill emotional needs in each other. I know he loves his wife, and he also loves me, but I am not his responsibility and he is not mine. That's quite freeing. Our relationship runs parallel.

Ah full disclosure what a great oxymoron.

At last I have a question Fochit what are you doing now, (what changes have you made) that you were not doing before (emotionally) that drove (metaphorically speaking) your DH to his affair.

Why do you think so little of yourself that you would stay with someone who had slipped his dick into someone else? Fuck that shit.

I agree DrMorbius which is why I said full disclosure means nothing really. I also don’t think it’s possible and tbh, I didn’t need it.

I don’t like the suggestive tone of your question that it’s me making all the changes and that I drove him to the affair. It was not my fault and he has never, ever blamed me.

EdgeWithNoReason
RTFT

My best mate is about to take her husband back in after he's had a long term affair. I feel so sad for her that she doesn't have more self worth than to be continuously mistreated by this piece of shit.
It doesnt matter what I read on here or anywhere else, I think women who go back into marriages after this half self esteem issues.

ploughingthrough
You’re entitled to your opinion.

AMA. Do you have a question?

OP I'm really glad for you that it's working out.

I don't think you can say with utmost certainty that he was faithful for the 20 years prior to the affair you know about. You will never ever know if he was or wasn't.

I don't understand your blind belief that he was faithful all those years.

I really do wish you well OP. I feel sad for you but I wish you well. Not that you care what I or anyone else thinks ;)

You’re right WhiteBadger, I don’t!
Don’t feel sad for me. I feel sad it happened but I’m not sad iykwim.

I’m not sure I have a blind belief or utmost certainty he didn’t cheat before. No-one can say that really. I can only go on what I feel and what came through in counselling about the circumstances of the affair.
The counselling was good for us both personally, not just as a couple. Lots of stuff came up we didn’t know about each other and even about ourselves. I understand ‘me’ better now.

People change over the years and relationships evolve in ways that don’t always work for us. The affair meant we had to strip it back and rebuild it. It was hard and heartbreaking at times but the marriage now works better for both of us and we’re both happier on a personal level. I think that’s what people mean when they say their marriage is stronger after an affair and that’s hard to understand if you haven’t been through it and come out the other side.

Yes I do actually. Do you have children of your own? If one of them was treated as your husband has treated you how would you advise them to proceed? Would you encourage them to stay with the person?

I ask because if my DD or DS were cheated on after a long affair I would support them leaving that person and looking after their own self worth.

Yes ploughingthrough we do have children and if one of them were ever in this situation I wouldn’t encourage them to stay or leave.

As I would with a friend, I would allow them to make their own decision, without judgement and support them whatever they decide.

OP, thank you so much for doing this.

Almost 9m on from discovering my husband's 15m-long online emotional affair (I think the distance helped to stop it becoming a full-on affair as the exchanges I found were extremely graphic) and deciding to stay, I feel stuck in a highly negative and obsessive place. I honestly thought these feelings were abnormal, that I was becoming extremely undone by it all, but I see now that this happens to so many women.

We had been together for 15 years when I found out. I had been convinced that my husband would never do anything like this and was adamant (as the love-child of an affair) that infidelity of any kind was the one thing I just couldn't work through. Yeah, never judge anyone until you walk in their shoes.

I have begun to think of the whole thing as a kind of bereavement - a loss of the relationship that was, the future that was planned, loss of trust in him, and loss of trust in myself to a large degree too.

Having been very reticent about counseling, I am more inclined to try it now as a means to help me to rebuild myself and, if possible, our relationship.

Thank you once again for your openness and honesty. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

@Fochit Thankyou for starting this thread.

Do you ever wish you hadn't found out?

@Fochit
I did read the whole thread and my comment stands. Sorry it wasn't a question.