I stayed with my DH after his long term affair.

[Fochit]

AMA.

Hoping this may help others 😊

Stronger and wiser but you rolled over and didn’t react proportionately? You allowed him to just shit on your ability to trust (and therefore love)? And just live with it and keep on snuggling up to your betrayer every night?

Hmm. Doesn’t sound empowered.

How do your get your head round all those many many times he was with her and didn’t give a shiny shit about you. How do you reconcile that now when you are together being intimate?

When you are old and/or ill and need to trust him to care for you and advocate for you, will you trust him then?

Was being on your own such a terrible prospect?

Do you find yourself doing anything to punish him even if it's little bits here and there that he wouldn't notice?

He didn’t love her.

By didn’t ‘want’ I mean he didn’t want to be with her.

I don’t feel judged because no-one knows so there’s no-one to judge me.

Yes, I knew her

Just seems so desperate. Hanging onto him.

as you knew her, did you feel betrayed by her? Or did you feel the betrayal was entirely on him as he was married to you?

Dont you start to feel anxious when he's late home from work now? or goes out with "friends"- if he's done it before, he could do it again surely?

Once you are in a relationship where little punishments here and there might even be a thing - it’s game over.

I didn’t roll over
I changed our marriage to suit me

No, I don’t punish him.

It was over 3 years and he says he never intended to leave. I obviously don’t know for sure. Maybe one day he will

It sounds like a shitty way to live your life to me.

So you're just hanging on by a thread until he does?! How sad.

Do you have children?

What changes did you make to suit you?

Did they have any dc?

I’m far from desperate

Yes, he could do it again but I don’t feel he’s any more likely to then anyone else. If he does, as I say, I will never be in the same position I was before.

I changed our marriage to suit me

Did you take a lover of your own?

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. People tend to follow patterns of behaviour in my experience and if he was able to conduct a long term affair and lie to you about it for all that time, and actually- get away with it, because you stayed with him, then whats to say he wont do it again? he knows you are reluctant to leave and have "a lot to lose". He's the one with the power here, not you I'm afraid. You even said "he didnt want to be with her"- so youre only with him because he didnt want her? this is so sad OP

Nah, taking a lover of my own wouldn’t suit me.

Patterns of behaviour? If he follows the same pattern of being faithful for nearly 20 years I have many happy years ahead.

I said you could AMA

I didn’t ask for judgement and I don’t need sympathy.

Oh OP.

Staying isrolling over. And it is an act of desperation.

How has this happened, that you’ve recontextualised you accepting his betrayal as you being some kind of badass woman who doesn’t take any shit? You are living in the shit you’ve taken, and continue to take - don’t lie to yourself.

Maybe this thread was started by that part of you that wants more, that knows you shouldn’t sell yourself short like this. I want to reach out to that part of you. I see you.

You have no idea how I live my life.

Yours could be far shittier than mine

I didn’t ask for judgement and I don’t need sympathy

I dont think anyone is judging you with bad motives. I think people just find it upsetting that you seem to have convinced yourself that you have the upper hand when you clearly dont- the language you use is really heartbreaking and people feel for you is all.

In an AMA you're meant to actually answer the questions!

I feel like maybe you're not actually 100% comfortable with your choice as you feel defensive pretty quickly...?

Have you spoken to the OW to confirm their stories match?

Desperation.
No, I don’t see that tbh. If anything, he’s the desperate one.

You don’t ‘see’ me. You know nothing about me.