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AMA

I stayed with my DH after his long term affair.

240 replies

Fochit · 08/02/2020 22:07

AMA.

Hoping this may help others 😊

OP posts:

Report

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/02/2020 22:22

Stronger and wiser but you rolled over and didn’t react proportionately? You allowed him to just shit on your ability to trust (and therefore love)? And just live with it and keep on snuggling up to your betrayer every night?

Hmm. Doesn’t sound empowered.

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 08/02/2020 22:23

How do your get your head round all those many many times he was with her and didn’t give a shiny shit about you. How do you reconcile that now when you are together being intimate?

When you are old and/or ill and need to trust him to care for you and advocate for you, will you trust him then?

Was being on your own such a terrible prospect?

oobieloo · 08/02/2020 22:23

Do you find yourself doing anything to punish him even if it's little bits here and there that he wouldn't notice?

Fochit · 08/02/2020 22:23

He didn’t love her.

By didn’t ‘want’ I mean he didn’t want to be with her.

I don’t feel judged because no-one knows so there’s no-one to judge me.

Yes, I knew her

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/02/2020 22:24

Just seems so desperate. Hanging onto him.

oobieloo · 08/02/2020 22:24

as you knew her, did you feel betrayed by her? Or did you feel the betrayal was entirely on him as he was married to you?

MimiLaRue · 08/02/2020 22:25

Dont you start to feel anxious when he's late home from work now? or goes out with "friends"- if he's done it before, he could do it again surely?

Thankssomuch · 08/02/2020 22:25

Once you are in a relationship where little punishments here and there might even be a thing - it’s game over.

Fochit · 08/02/2020 22:26

I didn’t roll over
I changed our marriage to suit me

No, I don’t punish him.

It was over 3 years and he says he never intended to leave. I obviously don’t know for sure. Maybe one day he will

OP posts:

OhLook · 08/02/2020 22:27

It sounds like a shitty way to live your life to me.

OhLook · 08/02/2020 22:28

So you're just hanging on by a thread until he does?! How sad.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/02/2020 22:28

Do you have children?

Thankssomuch · 08/02/2020 22:29

What changes did you make to suit you?

Whynosnowyet · 08/02/2020 22:29

Did they have any dc?

Fochit · 08/02/2020 22:30

I’m far from desperate

Yes, he could do it again but I don’t feel he’s any more likely to then anyone else. If he does, as I say, I will never be in the same position I was before.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2020 22:30

I changed our marriage to suit me

Did you take a lover of your own?

MimiLaRue · 08/02/2020 22:33

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. People tend to follow patterns of behaviour in my experience and if he was able to conduct a long term affair and lie to you about it for all that time, and actually- get away with it, because you stayed with him, then whats to say he wont do it again? he knows you are reluctant to leave and have "a lot to lose". He's the one with the power here, not you I'm afraid. You even said "he didnt want to be with her"- so youre only with him because he didnt want her? this is so sad OP

Fochit · 08/02/2020 22:38

Nah, taking a lover of my own wouldn’t suit me.

Patterns of behaviour? If he follows the same pattern of being faithful for nearly 20 years I have many happy years ahead.

OP posts:

Fochit · 08/02/2020 22:40

I said you could AMA

I didn’t ask for judgement and I don’t need sympathy.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/02/2020 22:40

Oh OP.

Staying isrolling over. And it is an act of desperation.

How has this happened, that you’ve recontextualised you accepting his betrayal as you being some kind of badass woman who doesn’t take any shit? You are living in the shit you’ve taken, and continue to take - don’t lie to yourself.

Maybe this thread was started by that part of you that wants more, that knows you shouldn’t sell yourself short like this. I want to reach out to that part of you. I see you.

Fochit · 08/02/2020 22:41

You have no idea how I live my life.

Yours could be far shittier than mine

OP posts:

MimiLaRue · 08/02/2020 22:43

I didn’t ask for judgement and I don’t need sympathy

I dont think anyone is judging you with bad motives. I think people just find it upsetting that you seem to have convinced yourself that you have the upper hand when you clearly dont- the language you use is really heartbreaking and people feel for you is all.

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AtrociousCircumstance · 08/02/2020 22:45

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 08/02/2020 22:45

In an AMA you're meant to actually answer the questions!

I feel like maybe you're not actually 100% comfortable with your choice as you feel defensive pretty quickly...?

Have you spoken to the OW to confirm their stories match?

Fochit · 08/02/2020 22:46

Desperation.
No, I don’t see that tbh. If anything, he’s the desperate one.

You don’t ‘see’ me. You know nothing about me.

OP posts:

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