I stayed with my DH after his long term affair.

[Fochit]

AMA.

Hoping this may help others 😊

5 years is not an ' affair'. It's a long term relationship.

Thanks for posting, OP, and for being so tolerant of other posters in a way that demonstrates your inner strength and your clarity.

Agree with this -- if anything, this thread suggests an OP who is at peace with herself and her decision, and with the fact that human relationships are seldom straightforward.

I personally think I would be far less likely to leave DH if he'd had an affair than if he exhibited the kind of behaviour viewed as entirely normal on the Mn Relationships board.

Fochit

I just want to say well done for bringing this up. It is hard for many to understand how it can be tolerated or that there can be life after such a deception. Obviously, affairs thrive precisely on that and that dynamic is often the perpetuating factor that keeps a secret going....secrets and lies are the fundamental threat to all relationships - IMO. I would suggest that it is precisely the deceit and collusion that is the hardest piece to get past. And - if you can do it then that is an achievement - doubtless arrived at by total disclosure and honesty offered. Your DH seems to be ready to be transparent and i would say after such a deception you have both done brilliantly to rebuild and establish yourself - long may that be the case

Thanks for all the positive comments.
Sorry to not name check but some more answers.

Family opinion of DH has not changed because they don’t know.

The affair ended 5 years ago, it lasted 3 years. I don’t see that the length of time is what defines it as a relationship. A relationship is when you spend time together. You cook together, shop together, watch TV, spend time with family, care for each other, do normal everyday stuff.
Random meet-ups for sex is not a relationship imo.

Would it have changed your decision if it hadnt been just sex?

I suspect it actually was more than just sex. They were work colleagues so did spend time together and became friends over time.

My reply was to the comment earlier that an affair that long was a relationship. I never saw it as a relationship, and tbh, don’t think either of them did either.

5 years is nothing, to be honest.

Some really cruel posts which are so unnecessary and rubbing things in.

The OP stayed. She doesn't need hurting for her perfectly reasonable decision. It is only her life, not yours. She doesn't have to do anything to suit you but just suit herself.

Thinking that you mattered to him when he was caressing, kissing, penetrating and orgasming inside someone else is ridiculous.

@ScarlettBlaize, you seem very over-involved in the decision of a woman you have never met, to the point where you seem to be attempting a mini porn novel in order to rub it in.

Don't want to stay in your marriage if your spouse is unfaithful? I have great news, it's not compulsory! The OP has not suggested it is, nor that she's in any way a better human being for not divorcing her DH than someone who chooses differently.

Why does her decision bother you so much?

Thank you op.
I'm alone. Going through similar and haven't yet fully worked out how this is going to end.

You're insight has been very helpful.

@Samhradh to the point where you seem to be attempting a mini porn novel in order to rub it in.

You think that stating the very basic facts of what her husband has done, on a thread that she started in order to tell strangers about it, is 'pornographic'? Odd.

The OP has not suggested it is, nor that she's in any way a better human being for not divorcing her DH than someone who chooses differently.

She has, however, started a thread in order to 'advise' other women to do the same. And has invited us to 'ask her anything', although she isn't willing to answer.

Why does her decision bother you so much?

I think I stated that pretty clearly in my previous post: Another man has got away with it and another wife has told herself a contorted story to excuse it. Sad

She can do whatever she wants to in her own life. But when she starts to advise others and to tell them that black is white, or up is down, I think that it's perfectly acceptable - and indeed necessary - for other people to give a more realistic counter-view.

It is disgusting that people are cruel to the OP, who seems wise and thoughtful, not at all naive.

ScarlettBlaise's post (among others) is cruel and ugly.

OP is answering questions though?!
You are wayyyy too overinvested in her situation.

ScarlettBlaise the OP is not advising anyone to do anything. She is hoping to help others. This doesn't mean she is telling anyone to stay with their cheating husband.

People who choose to stay with their cheating husband often get attacked and misunderstood, talked down to, and treated unpleasantly on Mumsnet. She is answering questions about her experience and I think she is doing it sensitively.

@PurrBox she is disagreeing with posters who say, rightly, that anyone whose spouse cheated on them was - by definition - not their spouse's priority at that point in time.

She told a poster they were 'ridiculous' for saying that him sleeping with someone else meant he didn't care about her. That poster was not 'ridiculous' but 100% correct - obviously.

That is deluded. She can delude herself but it is unkind and cruel to attempt to delude others in the same way.

You have no evidence that the OP is who she says she is. What I see is someone who sounds oddly detached about their own situation and who is intentionally misleading others who are going through the same thing.

@PurrBox having read back up the thread a bit, I can see why you are taking my posts so personally. I'm genuinely really sorry for what you are going through, and I'm sorry that you don't like my posts, but there is literally nothing in them but the truth.

It would be a mistake for you to allow the OP to influence you into trying to pretend to yourself that your situation is something other than what it is.

Oh, and her husband doesn't 'sound like a good person'. Because he's not.

A friend of mine took her husband back after he had an affair, it worked for a few years, it was convenient for her, young children etc, the marriage wasn’t the same, she had an affair and ended the marriage in the end. I hope it works out better for you.

How long did it take you to be able to resume having sex without picturing them together?

I have no question to ask but wanted to say how dignified and courteous you've been in the face of some very personal attacks on this thread, OP. The choices you've made are yours alone, they have no bearing on any of the lives of the posters here, so I have no idea why some would choose to be as poisonous as they have. You have been extremely gracious in your responses and come across as a very clear-thinking woman who knows your own mind. I wish you all the best.

I agree about the graciousness of the OP.

I didn’t start this thread to advise other women to stay and at no point have I done that. My aim was to possibly help others to make whatever decision is right for them.

I have answered questions honestly. Apologies if I have missed some. I will read back but please do ask again if I missed yours.

This is Ask Me Anything, so I will ignore posters who have decided to judge me or criticise my choices.

AntennaReborn
I can’t remember exactly how long but as far as I can remember, that was something I was able to mentally detach from quite quickly.