I stayed with my DH after his long term affair.

[Fochit]

AMA.

Hoping this may help others 😊

Do you ever still mention it OP? Like in argument? I think the temptation for me every time we argued would be to throw it back in their face

Has he ever said why he did it? What took him from loving faithful husband of 20 years to thinking “ooh, I’ll sleep with Tracy from purchase ledger”?

PurrBox 💐 I’m so sorry.

I suffered obsessive thoughts for a couple of years but they have almost completely receded now. I’m not sure they will ever totally go. I have spoken to him as and when the hurt and anger have arisen. It’s rare now.
Not once has he suggested I should forget it or move on.

I have never thrown it in his face (apart from in the early days)
The opportunity to talk has always been there so it never arises in anger.

I wouldn’t still be here if he didn’t know why he did it TendsToHappen

There were many factors, some more obvious and others that came up through counselling (deep rooted stuff) We know each other much better now.

The affair was about him and how she made him feel about himself rather than how he felt about her or our marriage.

He sounds like a good person, OP.

My husband is also doing the best he can.
I haven't had therapy, but think I probably need it. My husband also knows that he has to be there for me, and that he can't suggest that I forget and move on, but I am still struggling at times.

Was there anything that helped you other than talking to your husband, and talking to a therapist?

“ooh, I’ll sleep with Tracy from purchase ledger”?

That made me

what would you do if he did it again?

OP can I just say some of these messages have been rather nasty and youve answered them with dignity, well done

Yes Purrbox

I thought about what I wanted from life and gave that my priority. Never forget that awful feeling of when you found out and think what you needed and what would have helped you at that time. Nurture those things.

Friends, family, personal goals.
I needed to know that if 5 or 10 years down the line this happened again I would be prepared and never feel that time had been wasted.

I would leave. He knows that.

I don’t think he considered the consequences before.

The 1st time was like a rug being pulled from under me and my entire past, present and future being piled on top.

Next time it would be a hard shove and I would shove back. The rug has gone

I stayed with my dh after his affair.

Nowhere near as long as you, but it's been tough so I'm in awe of how you've managed it.

It's hard and your have to be really in control to notet you mind run away with you.

I stayed with my H too.

It's been over 3 years since it started and almost 3 years since I caught him out (messaging the OW) but 8 months since I dragged the whole truth out of him so I'm still "in it" if that makes sense.

My question is how have you stopped picturing him with her? I feel like that bit will never go away... it happens at the most inopportune times and I feel like punching him in the throat and have to breathe through it until I unclench!

Did you have any suspicions before you saw the texts?

Apologies if I missed this, but how long is it since you found out?

I thought we were fine and recovered - until we weren't. In the end I simply couldn't get over the betrayal.

Like your husband, mine 'begged', and also took me on a few 'holidays of a lifetime' - but didnt actually do much else. And ultimately it just wasn't enough.

It took me over 3 years to wake up, and I wasted 5 years. At the end of the day, trust, once broken, cannot be regained.

Some questions I missed.

My lifestyle has changed yes, I’m more independent, less compelled to please people/him. The opportunity to cheat is always there for everyone, you can never eradicate that and neither should you want to.

Desperate? Hanging onto him?
He’s the one hanging onto me and for a long time, he was the desperate one. I didn’t like it, our relationship is now on an even keel,

I did consider ending the marriage many times and I’m not sure I ever made a conscious decision not to. There was no defining moment, I just haven’t ended it. It’s similar to grief, you don’t just decide you’re over it

I haven’t spoken to the OW to compare their stories match. Why would I? He was sleeping with her, what more do I need to know? She would just try to protect herself.

Just because he was sleeping with someone else, doesn’t mean he didn’t give a shiny shit about me. That statement is ridiculous

Regrets?
Not telling her DH. I should have done that.
He deserved to know.

Yes, I have stopped picturing him with her. I’m not sure how. Perhaps it’s an acceptance?

I had absolutely no suspicions until I saw the texts. Although, looking back, he didn’t seem to like himself very much. Posters have accused me of having low self esteem, I would say that his was lower. We worked together on that,

FlowerArranger it’s nearly 5 years. I agree that it’s the day to day changes that are important, not holidays of a lifetime

I stayed for 12 years. It never went away and two years ago I finally left. Best thing I've ever done. For my own sanity. I'm now with the most amazing guy and our history is 'clean' and I feel so much better being 'equal' in our trust. Given my time again I would never, ever stay.
Can I also just say that my ex husband and myself still have a great relationship, talk, deal with the kids together etc. But that's the end of it. I'm so happy and I wish you all good luck which ever decision you all take in life. Ultimately staying was not good for me or my mental health.

We'd been married for 25 years. I'm now 45.

mummabearfourbabybears

We all have to do what’s right for us x

If everyone had known would you have left him?

That’s a tough question Bluntness and the truth is I don’t know, because they didn’t.

I don’t think so. The reason for not going public was nothing to do with protecting him or embarrassment. I just didn’t want any outside influence or opinions. Coming back from it would have been tougher I think.

I wouldn’t be so bothered if it came out now

Thanks for posting, OP, and for being so tolerant of other posters in a way that demonstrates your inner strength and your clarity.

Your image of the rug being pulled from under you when this happened, and of there being no rug any more, really meant a lot to me. I feel like I know exactly what you mean.

I think you are so impressive in your attitude OP. You sound so strong and in charge of yourself.
Did your DH say he had ever developed feelings for the OW or was it just sex?

How has your family’s opinion of your DH changed? Have relationship been altered?

Op, I can’t imagine it’s easy for you to talk about this, even anonymously to strangers. Thank you for your eloquent and honest posts that have given me a new perspective and understanding, as the best AMAs do.