I stayed with my DH after his long term affair.

[Fochit]

AMA.

Hoping this may help others 😊

[Elmo311]

@Ginger1982 what is that? Is that a 'thing' ?

[crimsonlake]

I think you should replace ' he did not deserve' to 'I did not deserve'

[AtrociousCircumstance]

I think if someone is hardened and embittered and wounded by something that happened to them (as OP has kind of stated by saying she can never trust again and she had to detach to cope etc) then it just feels wrong to stay in that situation.

I don’t judge her, I feel sorry for her. If she was saying that through battling through the issues with deep counselling, and his unwavering attempts to rebuild her trust, and whatever it is that couples can do when this bomb explodes in their relationship, then she would get a different response I think.

I think the brittleness and the broken, patched-up bravado is almost asking for countering, and I do wonder if unconsciously the OP wants someone to champion that buried sad part of her and stick up for her.

[Russellbrandshair]

why do you think women are so threatened and accusatory about you staying in your marriage after an affair?

I don’t see it as “threatened” but more sick and tired of women having to put up with this tired old cliched shit from men. Women have historically been the ones trapped in marriages due to child rearing whilst men have had the freedom and financial control to do as they please. Perhaps we are just fed up of being told we should “forgive”. Why should we? Why don’t we deserve a partner who is supportive and caring and loves us enough not to betray us and lie to us? And whatever happened to kindness? Why don’t we deserve a partner who is kind to us?

[gypsywater]

OP: how did the OW react when she realised you were staying and/or he wasnt going to leave you for her when the affair was outed?

What did he say about the OW?

Do you have kids?

[Fochit]

I have felt great anger but over time it diminishes.

I did get tested for STI’s but tbh, I never felt at risk.

The fact anyone would think I have forgiven ‘just like that’ is laughable.

nearlyalmost50
I don’t know but many obviously do feel threatened. I assumed women would be supportive of other women’s choices and decisions.

Hysterical bonding was fun while it lasted

MrsS - possibly

[gypsywater]

Also - do you feel the dynamic has changed in your relationship compared to before? Would you say he has noticed a change?

[Fochit]

I feel sorry for her. If she was saying that through battling through the issues with deep counselling, and his unwavering attempts to rebuild her trust, and whatever it is that couples can do when this bomb explodes in their relationship, then she would get a different response I think

No-one has asked about counselling.
No-one has asked about his unwavering attempts to rebuild trust.
Yes, to both.

[Fochit]

The dynamic has totally changed.
Has he noticed? He has been a part of it

[gypsywater]

Can you elaborate on how it has changed

[Fochit]

He remained supportive, caring and kind despite the affair.

OW was married too.

[gypsywater]

Did OW ever try to apologise to you? Do you feel that if you had binned him off then he would have gone running to her?

[Russellbrandshair]

I’m sorry, but lying to your face for three whole years whilst sleeping with someone else is not what I would define as “kind”. I appreciate you might define it differently though

[Fochit]

Elaborate on change?
Communication
Time spent together
Priorities
Taking no shit

[gypsywater]

What did he say the reason or reasons for the affair was/were?
Thank you for answering so honestly. I like your candour and pragmatism. I also like that the OW didnt end up with him...cheeky bitch knew you as well, deserves a kicking IMO...but that's by the by.

[PointlessUsername]

Did he ever give you a reason, for why he did it?

[Fochit]

Maybe Russellbrandshair but in our day to day lives he was always kind to me. I always felt I was his priority, and despite everything, honestly believe that I was.

I see many relationships that lack kindness.

[Fochit]

There were reasons.
You need to know why don’t you?

They were never given as excuses though. He never blamed me in any way, shape or form.

The reasons were mostly to do with him, not us.

[Fochit]

OW never apologised.
I don’t believe he would have gone to her but you never really know.

[gypsywater]

Did she mean much to him etc? Or just sex?

[Fochit]

He also never blamed OW and I did find this frustrating at times!
He took full responsibility for his actions

[Fochit]

gypsywater
I think she fulfilled a need but suspect this was more to do with how he felt about himself, rather than about her specifically.
Does that make sense?

[dwum]

@Fochit I think you are getting a rough ride here, which isn't what you need.

I think forgiveness shows an immense strength of character, and whilst I am not sure that I would react the same way (I guess we never know until we are in that situation), I admire your determination to make it work. I have been married for almost 20 years, and imagine the loss of the future we had always planned together would be so incredibly difficult to give up.

I wish you the best of luck, OP, and I sincerely hope that thin gas work out as you wish them to.

Can I ask, how did you find out and did your DH react? What happened to the OW and her marriage?

[gypsywater]

@Fochit
Definitely makes sense.

[Fochit]

Thank you dwum

I found messages, nothing particularly incriminating but I asked him. He denied but came clean within 24hrs.

OW is still married and her DH is oblivious afaik