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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Re: "DH says I've turned him into a chauvinist."

55 replies

ItsGraceAgain · 24/05/2010 21:32

Insight & guidance required, please!

Your replies to that thread in Relationships really made me think about how far behind the times I may be? Can you paint some pictures for me, please?

I'm hot on the fundamental issues - despite (or, perhaps, because of) my oppressive upbringing and resultant choice of crappy partners. Truth is, though, the majority of my school friends have either settled in a kind of statusy/role-delimited/wealthy compromise or are, like me, serially divorced. I'm not at all sure my generation (I'm 55) knows what to expect - for our daughters, neices & granddaughters, or for ourselves.

I'm not diminishing the effects of my abusive family but, at the same time, suspect such abuse of daughters was exceptionally common during my time - when women began demanding equality, and society's 'works' tried to demolish the spanner thrown in by feminists.

I can do you a fantastic evaluation of corporate oppression, and even advise a younger woman on strategies to push against it. Choosing between two female candidates, I'd always select the feistier & more political. Like other Mumsnet "witches", I'll spot a dicatorial spouse & try to gentle his wife into thinking for herself.

All the above is, for me, a political and life-saving imperative. Thinking about the personal, I realise I have NO real-life, real-time models of an equal relationship between man & woman. That is, perhaps, both a victory and a curse on my generation. We taught girls & boys to think harder (and to accept emotional drivers) but we were not in a position to do that for ourselves.

Any input? Thoughts?
Thanks.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 25/05/2010 01:25

I am 21, but I have hesitated to post here, because A, I haven't had that much experience yet of long term relationships, and B, my relationships have been pretty dysfunctional anyway.

But (taking into account limited experience, judging mainly TBH on male friends and friends' boyfriends etc) I think that most men my age are happy to do stuff around the home and split duties, if that makes sense. I was shocked to learn for example that my mum did everything around the house when she was married to my Dad, even when they both worked full time. I would have thought that if both partners are working full time there would be more of an equal split of household things. But it always seems to be women doing the washing, for some reason! A lot of men I know do cook.

RobynLou · 24/05/2010 23:04

me and my husband are equal. he earns more than me at the moment, I earned a lot more than him in the past, but (before we had children) I decided to change tracks a bit and I now do a job I love but which pays less.

I'm 29 he's 36.

He's much better at a lot of the domestic stuff than I am, some bit's I'm better at.

We're friends, we respect, care and love each other, we try hard to talk to each other and have fun together.

We are a good team, we get stuff done, we know each others strengths and weaknesses and we accept them and work with them.

We're not perfect, we get grumpy and have petty disagreements, but when it comes to equality, we are totally equal.

I think a lot of it is down to expectations, I expected to be equal to any man, I couldn't ever be with a man who didn't see me as his equal - I couldn't respect him.

Original poster
ItsGraceAgain · 24/05/2010 22:57

< 10-25 years after me >
was supposed to be 10-15 years. I haven't the cofidence to shag one whole generation down

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsGraceAgain · 24/05/2010 22:54

It is, BDM - at least as a point of reference. I've preferred relationships with men younger than me, largely due to their more comprehensive ideas around household duties (thanks, enlightened teachers & aunties coming 10-25 years after me!). Also, though it might not sit too well with you: men 10 years my junior tend to be less obsessed with stocking, suspenders & basques! I had enough of feeling like a shop-window dummy with 'bits' iyswim.

I really, really could do with finding out how a 'healthy' relationship works in contemporary terms though. Not that I expect to have a functional relationship with a man young enough to be my son
It's more to do with knowing how things are ... you know, what's changed; what hasn't; what I might reasonably encourage my 20-year-old nieces to expect, for example.

Wrt to my own life: I suspect it will be a bloody miracle if I ever meet a same-generation bloke, who honestly shares responsibilites, rewards & respect. I assume they exist - don't think I've met any of them, though. There can't be many.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 24/05/2010 21:45

Do we count as the same generation? I'll be 45 in September and I'd say I'm the same as you except that I've never been married.

I find that I have better relationships (hah - the benchmark isn't high) with younger men. Men my age and older just don't seem able to cope with a woman who really doesn't want to be coddled (for want of a better word).

Not sure this is much help really...