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Original poster

How do you model feminism/gender equality to your sons?

34 replies

Solo2 · 22/04/2010 19:34

Our sons of today are the men of tomorrow who will or will not perpetuate the myths about gender differences. I'm interested in finding out how other women model their feminist beliefs to their sons (I have no daughters) and hopefully guide them to becoming the kind of men we'd want our daughters to relate to?

I don't think I'm v good at this, despite being a single mother by choice who runs her own f/ t business, the household and the parenting entirely alone - therefore blending the traditional male/ father and female/mother roles all in one person, in my daily life.

As a parent, I run after my sons too much, catering to their needs and doing everything domestically, despite the fact that they recently turned 9 and in other cultures might be responsible for a lot more right now, than they are here.

I am regularly shocked by how much they've imbibed their genderist culture with beliefs such as, "Doctors are men, nurses are women"...."Dad's work, mums stay at home" - this despite having plenty of examples to the contrary around them.

However, the majority of families they see are STILL fairly biased towards men earning and working more than women, although lots of the mums they know, do work too outside the home.

Their media exposure also seems to confirm old stereotypes, so that whilst they can debate and reflect on those stereotypes, they still believe them, deep inside. For example, they know me to be a particularly physically strong woman, good with power tools, penknives, car maintenance etc. However, they still perceive this as unusual and different - whilst acceptable, as I'm their mother. They still see those types of things as traditionally male. They still perceive the girls at their school as a separate species, almost, to the boys.

Of course at home they don't have a male role model embodying brilliance at domestic tasks. They have only me. So this might be part of the problem. But I'm wondering how others on this MN Feminism topic proactively model their feminism to their sons and what more I can so to balance the continuing cultural beliefs outside the home?

OP posts:
Pogleswood · 23/04/2010 11:15

I have a girl and a boy,and I expect the same from them with regard to what they do at home,and how they behave - actually DS is definately more help than (teenage)DD. DH is a good role model,I think.He does work more than I do for various reasons,but we split running the house,and they have always had days just with him,as I work on Saturdays.

Ds is very strong on "girls can't do X", "boys are best" at the moment,(he is 10),so we do talk a lot about what men and women can do,sometimes seriously,sometimes jokily.(Poor DS,he is stuck with me in the car on the school run,and we talk a lot )

HerBeatitude · 23/04/2010 10:53

I think you need to talk to your children about the other role models they're seeing.

This is quite a difficult line to tread, because you are then in danger of criticising how other parents do things.

It's difficult to make it clear that you disapprove of the way G's mum runs around after her dad, without straying into judemental "nobody does it properly except us" territory.

I suppose I reluctantly am going to have to start watching Corrie again, or Eastenders, so that we can discuss the assumptions about how men and women are in the meejah. It's easier to condemn them outright and use them as a discussion subject, if their friends don't actually come for playdates!

Kathsunn · 23/04/2010 10:21

You have to have men and women around who model respectful behavior. I would love to raise my 2ds in an enviroment where there was no gender bias, but it's not possible to dictate others behavior. I think you just have to expose your boys to great men and women as much as possible, and hope they follow by example.

Sadly, they will be exposed to sexism. You can only do your best to guide them in the right direction -- ime.

Original poster
Solo2 · 23/04/2010 10:21

It could be more a child vs parent thing about parents, me included, doing too much housework for the DCs and them doing little...

I think I've reached the essence of what I'm getting at here: whilst I think I largely embody feminist principles in my daily life and what I say to my sons (except they do nee dto help more in the house!), they are definitely picking up traditional stereotyping around them, despite being in a less than traditional school/social environment - ie many females they see work and some males they see do the pick up from school....BUT....infinitely more things they're exposed to out there are very traditional role models.

Is it enough for a key role model (ie me) in their lives to present a more gender equal model, if all around them they imbibe traditional stereotyped gender roles? How much is the culture and peer group more influential than the home environment?

OP posts:
threelittlepebbles · 23/04/2010 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MamaChris · 22/04/2010 22:24

Useful thread. Something I worry about with ds (2yo). I thought we were doing pretty well in presenting non-genderised role models. But today on the train he asked who's driving. I said I didn't know. He said "man driving". I said "or could be a woman", reply: "no, man driving". I reminded him his friend's mum drives a train, but he insisted this train driver must be a man. He's 2!

So he's already absorbed that most of the train drivers he does see are male. He also tidies up, clears the table, enjoys cooking, etc. I guess it will get harder as he grows up! But how will that be enough to counteract everything else he will be exposed to?

willybreeder · 22/04/2010 22:00

Agree totally with HerBeatitude. It's a battle to keep asking/telling my 12 year old (not so much the 6year old yet) but you've got to keep at it. Definatly get them cooking too. Simple stuff but important I think

HerBeatitude · 22/04/2010 21:49

My main focus is simply to emphasise that everyone who lives in this house has to contribute to its running.

So you all pick up your own shit, don't expect someone else to do it for you.

I think this is just as important as all the outside role models as so many men appear to have an inbuilt assumption that it's simply not their job to pick up their socks/ wipe down the surfaces/ get out the vacuum.

comixminx · 22/04/2010 20:18

Ah, I was thinking of starting a thread like this, only slightly differently - I am expecting my first child in Sept, don't know what the sex is, but am aiming to bring up either a boy or a girl in line with my feminist principles. But a) how exactly do I do that, and b) will I succeed?

My thoughts at present are that if I have a boy I'll be keen for him to help in the kitchen and around the house, and if I have a girl I'd like her to learn skills like woodwork (DP is good at this, I enjoyed it at school but don't do all that much on it nowadays). Not very nuanced perhaps...