Supporting my gender non-conforming daughter through puberty and trans feelings

Ah, there goes one of my suggestions.

I'm going out on a limb here because I'm not a parent and I hesitate to give advice as if like I know what I'm talking about which I don't..

but coming at it from my memories of being a gender-confused 11 year old.

I don't think she's likely to talk to you about it, for all sorts of 11-year-old's reasons, like not being able to express how she feels, and Mum's are embarrassing and don't understand anything at all, everrrrr...

I'd just leave the crop tops around and hope that she'll circle back to them.
If they become pieces in a skirmish with Mum rather than pieces of fabric, she may reject them just because you think she should wear them and if she has to explain why to you, that just proves that you'll never understand anything about her ever.

Am I being totally out of line in suggesting that 'Sorry, love, I can't do that/that's not possible because I'm your mam and I have to do things and say no sometimes cos that's just my job - is this any good instead?' is a valid thing to say to an 11 year old?

In retrospect - my poor mam! 🙄but I made it up to her in later life😇

Risks of binders:
Respiratory restriction: Tight compression limits full chest expansion, leading to shallow breathing, reduced lung capacity, and dizziness or shortness of breath.
Musculoskeletal damage: Continuous pressure on a growing skeleton can cause chronic back, shoulder, and rib pain, and in severe cases, rib bruising or fractures.
Breast tissue changes: Restricted blood flow and constant compression can alter or damage developing breast tissue, potentially impacting future elasticity or development.
Skin and tissue breakdown: Trapped sweat, friction, and tight fabric frequently cause rashes, fungal infections, acne, and skin chafing. Improvised materials like duct tape or elastic bandages heighten these risks dramatically.

Have a look on Transgender Trend

Totally agree with @LittleGreenDuck . Binders are dangerous. You can buy minimiser bras that are safe.

Please take away the binder. They are terribly damaging to young, growing breast tissue. Crop tops or sports bras are fine.

I would still try buying a proper supportive sports top and give it to her saying it is a running top. Bralettes and crop tops are not at all supportive so won't be suitable.
Please don't even think about getting a binder, they cause real physical damage to ribs and breast tissue as well as breathing problems. Plus, they feed into the whole trans ideology, which is what you are trying to avoid.

Sending some solidarity! My 13 year old had just announced she is non-binary.

I’ve been “light-touch” and focused on becoming her own person. Hoping it’s just a phase.

She prefers M&S sports bras (non-wired, racer style) as she is a D-cup.

Prefers grungy type clothes & asked for a binder (which I did get). Wanted her lovely long blonde hair cut really short (we compromised with a bob & I’ll let her tell me when she wants it cut next).

Good luck & hoping they are out this phase fast!

Sports tops are great and you could maybe just get one and suggest it will be comfortable for running?

To an 11 year old I'd say clearly that you can't change sex. I'd say gender is stereotypes and you can be a gender non-conforming girl. I'd have a discussion with the school before she starts and say you don't want them affirming or indeed teaching your daughter gender ideology. Ask for the class materials for phse. Does she do any sports or physical activities? Really encourage her to get out and do things, especially physical activities. Climbing is a good one for those who aren't very co-ordinated. While youth theatre can be a bit gender woo, it is a great creative outlet for the quirky kids so maybe encourage that if she's interested. Good luck.

Speaking from experience.. if gender dysphoria exists, I had it around that age and here are some things that helped me through:

Encouraging your DD to feel that she is an individual who doesn't have to follow any fads - neither the girly-girl kind NOR the NB/trans fads.
She is herself, she is female, she can't change that, but she can grow up to be any kind of woman she damn well wants.

That involves building up her sense of self in general, showing that being different and non-conventional is absolutely OK in your family, but that applies to all 'conventions' including the passing fads online and at school.

As far as clothes are concerned - she's only 11 so you still buy her clothes for her I expect?

Maybe buy very light bras/crop tops and just leave them in her bedroom without comment?

And think about styles of clothes that fulfil the same function as a hoodie for her - loose t-shirts, loose shirts, baggie trousers - skater style clothes are appropriate for a young teen, comfortable and 'gender neutral'.
Again, try buying something loose but lighter than a hoodie, and leave it in her room without comment.

If she starts wearing them, that's great but say nothing so she doesn't have to explain herself or act grateful to Mum or anything awful like that
Obviously contact Bayswater for more formal help and support, I'm just coming at it from what got me through - a strong sense of self and of independent thought, of not being afraid to be different even if that meant not following the current fad. If you want to be a rebel, you rebel, you don't just join another flock of sheep!

The appeal of special IDs may be wearing thin at the school she's going to in September, and she may well find lots of girls who are into just being different on their own terms, and find that the 'special' group aren't half as different and edgy and rebellious as they like to think they are.

Of course I had no social media to contend with, and I knew I was female and that was that, whereas your DD is surrounded by all sorts of ideas and images and propaganda. It makes your job and her childhood so much more difficult.

Sending good wishes and support to both of you.

Perhaps looking at some sporty sports tops might help. I live in the reversible ones that m and s do.

I’d get in touch with Bayswater / look at info on their website.

A girls school should be single sex now and if not I’d write a letter asking for confirmation and then, if not satisfactory, I’d actually report to Ofsted/ the EHRC.