Help! Son (13) with severely mental health issues thinks he is trans.

Thank you for all your tips.

An hour ago I just came home from my visit in the clinic. I tried to listen to your advices and what I read before the visit and find a good compromise in MY behaviour for him and myself. It was really important for me and a big step that I tried to not expect anything from him as he has been in the clinic only for one week so far.

So the compromise for me was that I still talk to the doctors and care persons about my son and use his real name, and also when he was with me and could hear that. Even if the people in the clinic call him by his chosen name, I want him to hear often enough that he still is a boy and what’s his real name.

But after the meeting we had some time off together and went into the city to have a big ice cream. And we had a really good time. I tried to listen as much as I could to him and he talked so much about his days away from me. He hasn’t told me that much for months. On the other side I just talked with him about what happened at home and in the orchestra and how it is going with his cats (who he really misses). We didn’t talk much about his mental state which he doesn’t want yet. I hope this was a first little step to get back together und to build up our trust again. I’m really looking forward to see him again at the weekend.

At home I am still in my rabbit hole and trying to find the magic solution to the whole trans topic somewhere. But I guess this will be my part to solve.

I am still happy to read any advices or opinions from you people.

I am sorry, but no. I have read to many essays of detransitioners who today wish their parents would have told them no, even to social transition, because it was nearly impossible to step back and hopefully eventually have to admit that you were wrong all the time.

He can have feminine clothing. I never cared about colors for him. But to be honest, he just looks stupid in a dress or a skirt (I will never tell him that).

Sometimes I think that all these young teenagers today are completely lost in a world without boundaries where they can be and do whatever they want. This is for me one of the reasons why these kids all crave for labels about their identity and sexuality. They need to know who they are and what they can do and these labels tell them exactly that.

You are absolutely right, that I have to calm down and, most importantly, get out of my own rabbit hole of extensive researching.

As he is now in the clinic, I only talk to the nice and daily stuff which happens at home. We both play and love music, and for the last few months even in the same orchestra. He always wants to know how the rehearsal went and if we played new pieces. I still call him by his birth name and I don’t bring all the clothes he wants to. This is my boundary. I want him to concentrate on his therapies and not on his clothes. That’s why I bring, what all the other kids bring, like t-shirts and jeans. Even the girls don’t bring dresses and skirts as practical clothes are asked by the clinic.

I think we might need a pause of the trans topic. Yes it hurts me, when I visit him and the carers call Luna that her mom is there to visit her. But I try more than hard to keep my mouth shut at the moment.

Later this afternoon I will visit him and as we have more than 30 degrees at the moment we will go eat another huge ice-cream and just talk about daily stuff. I will bring him the sheet music he asked for. He was allowed to bring his trombone and one male carer also plays an instrument. This is one of the carers my son really likes and they have a lot of fun in free times with their same hobby.

Thank you so much! Even in I don‘t have any problems with the English language it felt strangely comforting to read some German words. But please everyone else from other countries - I apprecuate your anderes and help the same!!! It was just a short weird feeling for me.

He never really liked being out that much and me not either (runs in the family, I think…). But lately he went out very often as this is a strategy he learned from his therapist when the negative thoughts come around the corner again.

He even planted some vegetables lately and I really have to care for them while he is away. I’m sure I get huge problems when the plants are dead because of me 🙈.

And even if I don‘t like going out that much, I will try to implement nature walks several times a week as we have time. Maybe I should start them alone before he comes home, so I get used to them and don‘t find then any excuses.

Just to make one thing clear.

I don’t have any problem with same-sex orientation and my son knows that.

When he told me that he didn’t want to be trans with all the medical things the things I told him, he also explained to me that he is now a demi boy because he still likes girl things (dresses, make-up, long hair…) and that he might be gay because he really likes a boy in his class. Before the new label he called himself a trans-femme lesbian because a few weeks before his outing he had his first “girlfriend” who broke up with him. Well, they never even kissed…

My answer of him liking a boy in his class was just, that this is totally fine and that time will show him, if the other boy might like him that way too.

Thank you.

The thing is, after all this month of dealing with his severe mental health issues and the suicidal thoughts and attempts (I guess he never really tried because he never even half way succeeded), we have both lost trust. It is so hard for me to trust him at the moment because he just doesn’t tell me when he feels really bad. And I guess he also lost his trust in me, his mom, because he just closed up completely. That’s why I am scared that he still thinks he is trans and just told me he is a demi boy because he wants to keep his mom happy.

The thing is, he only wants to be trans in school, with his therapist and now in the clinic. But it all always goes back to the name, the pronouns, the clothes and the hair and make-up. He said he is fine with us to use his birth name when I explained to him that it really means something to me and that his parents have chosen it carefully. But the more people outside our family call him Luna, the more often he tries (still rarely) to ask me if I would call him Luna or calls himself she in conversations with me. He doesn’t tries this with his dad or his grandparents or his beloved uncle because he knows, they would think he is crazy (especially his grandpa and uncle).

Trust me, I will stay more than away from these gender clinics at all costs until he is 18. And I do hope that we can solve this at any chance before his 18th birthday.

At first we were both very accepting, like for two weeks or so. Then I started researching a lot and told him that I won’t affirm our son anymore. He was fine with it.

His father lives three hours away and I often have the feeling that until he gets a call or a message from us or anyone else or is together with him, he is out of sight and out of mind. I truly think that he doesn’t think and worry about this point at all because he doesn’t see it in his daily life. He doesn’t have to fight about forbidding his son wearing a dress to his first prom. That’s all my stuff to do. He doesn’t worry about the fight of clothes buying because he pays child support and I buy the clothes. I guess he deeply hopes that it will all go away on its own one day when the mental health situation is solved.

We are both on the same side of not affirming him with a new name or new pronouns or allowing any legal or official changes (documents, toilets, PE group, etc.).

When you read the typical questions in the internet if one might be trans, you will be asked if you liked dresses as a kid, if you had girly hobbies, if you had long hair, if you liked pink, if you played with girls toys and so on.

So if he found one of these questionnaires he really could tick all of those questions with a yes.

The thing is, he has always been a very tiny and fragile looking child who never liked the rough boy playing, although his interests were very “boyish”. This resulted in him playing a lot more with the girls in kindergarten and school. You could always see that he adopted the interests of a new friend to maybe be more liked if he was more like them. As this were mainly girls, he also liked their interests most of the time. So he started ballet because a female friend in kindergarten started ballet and liked it. The list goes on and on.