Help! Son (13) with severely mental health issues thinks he is trans.

I think this is quite common for ND children who feel different, and as your child you can hold your boundary whilst also being supportive. It sounds like you’re very scared and I wonder what therapy you’ve had to think about how you can support your child?

I think some of the language you’ve used could be quite offensive to some, and you need to remember that your son may still decide that they do want to be transgender when they are an adult, and could be left with shame from the way you’ve spoken about things with him and may end up choosing to have a different relationship to you. It’s not really clear whether the reason he’s changed his mind about some things is because he knows that’s what you want. I think it might be a good idea to equip him with information and talk together about his age and life stage before making further decisions, but showing him videos to change his mind isn’t going to be helpful in the long term.

It doesn’t really matter what you believe because one day it will be his decision, right now you can put your ideology on to him but when he is older you can’t , and he will remember the things you’ve said and shown him.

Thank you for your answer.

But he is a boy and he is also not non-binary. I won’t change from one ideology to another. I strongly believe in biology and that a human being can either bei male or female defined by his biology.

He does not have to live up to any gender stereotypes and we never enforced them. He was allowed to dance ballet when he was younger, to have long hair as long as I can remember and much more but he was and always will be a boy.

I deeply regret that I have been so open minded but I have never thought that dancing ballet as a child is now used by him as an argument that he has always been trans. The same goes for his long hair.

Trans Reddit uk seems to be full of people encouraging kids to DIY. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if some of the site users would be happy to act as go-betweens for purchases.

Maybe it's a stupid question but: how is he supposed to buy the hormones? Surely he can't buy anything on the net without one of his parents' approval or help?

Male Ballet dancers are some of the strongest males around

Male Ballet dancers are some of the strongest males around

Maybe because it will be mainly girls who attend ( I imagine).

Hello. What exactly do you mean by "medical things"? Do you even know what it is like to transition? There's no need for sugeries (for the most part) and even if wanting to go to this point, I don't know about how it's like in Germany but I know that, at least in France, all costs are paid by the governement. So maybe that is the case as well in Germany. Though, despite how much painful it was to read some of the posts and despite that me saying that might expose me to haters but as a trans person, first of all, de-transitioning cases are about below 1% of trans people. Please don't shove your own fear into your children, of course if you keep telling them about that, it must be extremely scary. Taking estrogen would do more than just body changes so if they are taking it, if they at first referred to themselves as "trans-femme" then it's giving me the impression that ending up to considering themselves a demi-boy instead could have been because of you? Or maybe to make it easier to you. Or maybe the fear of really going through transitioning BUT if they got to even consider transitioning or if they'd even have a chosen name, then, that definitely sound like being transgender. Cis(non-trans) persons doesn't get to want to transition. Also I do not know if by mental illness, you're referring to this but I sure hope that it's not the case. I wouldn't be surprised if people came to contradict me on it since transphobes love to do everything they can to be a nuisance to a kind of persons they doesn't understand. Also, I did see that in some messages, someone talked about how they thought that the gender one was assigned at birth defined what they are forever and that is wrong. hormone replacement therapy or HRT for short will not only make physical changes. It does that though but these are only bonus. Into MtF, it will give natural breasts for example but before anything, it will rewrites someone's brain chemistry. I did experience it myself. At the beginning, I even got to think that I was suddenly broken as my brain switch from being "male" to being "female". So, please don't think or make your daughter(or son if you'd prefer to call them that) of anything different, I don't know about whatever researches you might have gone through, if you found topics made by transphobes etc, there, i'll be real and explain from the perspective of a person that did it or joined a community of other trans persons. I'm not gonna say that, transitioning is all magical and enjoyable, no. The brutal truth is, this hurt like nothing can hurt you more and when a person go as far as doing this, it's because they HAVE to. It's because it's who they truly are, we don't 'want' to become trans. We ARE trans, it's inside of a person from the start, they just notice the signs one by one. Also, this takes up to 10 years for all the body changes and to fully transition. Also, considering that cis persons cannot understand how it's like to be trans since they didn't go through all that, it can become more and more scary to even interact with cis individuals because, for example having cis friends, trying explaining a situation from your non-cis perspective, they can only understand the cis person pov which most of the time can only make it more painful if they were venting to a friend for example. Trying to understand something that you cannot is the worse mistake someone can do, it can sounds illogical but the best thing to do is just to accept them as they are, no matter what they feel like being. Still loving them and letting them express it and not bottling up it to just adapt to what you think they should be. Like I wrote a bit upper too, it can take up to around 10 years and a lot of us tend to procrastinate until one day when we decide to finally embrace our true selves. I have even seen persons transitioning at 60+. I personally have procrastinated until 30 even though I did know from being around 20. So if they do it now, then by the time they are a grown-up, they will be how they really feel considering that it is how they really feel. Otherwise, if certain factors like for example the fear you might have put into them by talking about detransitioning cases which, like I said are <1% of us, maybe they will be bottling it up and still do it many years later while already being part of the society, eventually having a work etc. And in the middle of that, having to transition there, in the middle of everything. Also making friends that most likely could stop wanting to interact with them whenever they'd come out as a trans person. So, as a parent, what you should be doing is not to worry about them being indoctrinated because it's not how it works. If someone tried convincing you to become a man, you wouldn't even like the idea, right? There can be doubts, though. Another thing is, if they were considering themselves lesbian and a transfem, then it's exactly that. Transwomans are transwomans. They're not mans. They're not womans either. If you are worried about that they might get in trouble, it would be even worse if they ended up doing it themselves or without a doctor. Some choose this way while living in countries where it is even dangerous for their own safety to come out as trans. If you really care and love for your children, then accept whatever they are. That is as simple as that. Try your best at guiding them without your own personal opinion, you have to make sure that what they want is really what they want and not to fit to what fears they might have now. Also, if ever the genetic of being assigned male at birth worries you or them because for example facial hair, for example, the use of a "foil shaver" can help a lot in reducing gender dysphoria. There's also laser/electrosis for hair removal with laser being semi-permanent (lasts the longest) and electrosis being permanent and the really biggest part of medical things is facial feminization surgery. Or top surgery. Some even goes to bottom surgery but even without any of these, it is still very possible to look feminine. Generally transwomans tend to start coming out as fem after around 1 year - 1 and a half year of HRT though at this point, they might look feminine but not yet able to pass like any other ciswoman, by transitioning while being older and having more self awareness, it might be more painful. We can have to wait for a minimum of 2-3 years to start looking at least really feminine. The very rough part of transitioning is not even that. It's not about feminizing your face, your appearance or other. It's feminizing your voice. It can be very difficult. Even doctors supposed to help with that can give wrong guidance from what I have heard. There are a lot of steps, a lot of mistakes to avoid as well. Having to learn to work your larynx, to learning to use something we call "resonance". Having to learn to speak in a feminine voice, to not try too hard to go in a high pitch too, to learn to soften your voice. To practice 'voice fry' and to learn about speaking in a more feminine way. It's a very rough life but it's not one that trans people 'choose' because, even myself as one, I sincerely wish sometimes I could just be cis. I don't wish for all this pain to happen to anybody else but in the end of transition, there is the happiness of being who a person truly is. So that can be worth it if it is really what they feel like they are.

Hello. What exactly do you mean by "medical things"? Do you even know what it is like to transition? There's no need for sugeries (for the most part) and even if wanting to go to this point, I don't know about how it's like in Germany but I know that, at least in France, all costs are paid by the governement. So maybe that is the case as well in Germany. Though, despite how much painful it was to read some of the posts and despite that me saying that might expose me to haters but as a trans person, first of all, de-transitioning cases are about below 1% of trans people. Please don't shove your own fear into your children, of course if you keep telling them about that, it must be extremely scary. Taking estrogen would do more than just body changes so if they are taking it, if they at first referred to themselves as "trans-femme" then it's giving me the impression that ending up to considering themselves a demi-boy instead could have been because of you? Or maybe to make it easier to you. Or maybe the fear of really going through transitioning BUT if they got to even consider transitioning or if they'd even have a chosen name, then, that definitely sound like being transgender. Cis(non-trans) persons doesn't get to want to transition. Also I do not know if by mental illness, you're referring to this but I sure hope that it's not the case. I wouldn't be surprised if people came to contradict me on it since transphobes love to do everything they can to be a nuisance to a kind of persons they doesn't understand. Also, I did see that in some messages, someone talked about how they thought that the gender one was assigned at birth defined what they are forever and that is wrong. hormone replacement therapy or HRT for short will not only make physical changes. It does that though but these are only bonus. Into MtF, it will give natural breasts for example but before anything, it will rewrites someone's brain chemistry. I did experience it myself. At the beginning, I even got to think that I was suddenly broken as my brain switch from being "male" to being "female". So, please don't think or make your daughter(or son if you'd prefer to call them that) of anything different, I don't know about whatever researches you might have gone through, if you found topics made by transphobes etc, there, i'll be real and explain from the perspective of a person that did it or joined a community of other trans persons. I'm not gonna say that, transitioning is all magical and enjoyable, no. The brutal truth is, this hurt like nothing can hurt you more and when a person go as far as doing this, it's because they HAVE to. It's because it's who they truly are, we don't 'want' to become trans. We ARE trans, it's inside of a person from the start, they just notice the signs one by one. Also, this takes up to 10 years for all the body changes and to fully transition. Also, considering that cis persons cannot understand how it's like to be trans since they didn't go through all that, it can become more and more scary to even interact with cis individuals because, for example having cis friends, trying explaining a situation from your non-cis perspective, they can only understand the cis person pov which most of the time can only make it more painful if they were venting to a friend for example. Trying to understand something that you cannot is the worse mistake someone can do, it can sounds illogical but the best thing to do is just to accept them as they are, no matter what they feel like being. Still loving them and letting them express it and not bottling up it to just adapt to what you think they should be. Like I wrote a bit upper too, it can take up to around 10 years and a lot of us tend to procrastinate until one day when we decide to finally embrace our true selves. I have even seen persons transitioning at 60+. I personally have procrastinated until 30 even though I did know from being around 20. So if they do it now, then by the time they are a grown-up, they will be how they really feel considering that it is how they really feel. Otherwise, if certain factors like for example the fear you might have put into them by talking about detransitioning cases which, like I said are <1% of us, maybe they will be bottling it up and still do it many years later while already being part of the society, eventually having a work etc. And in the middle of that, having to transition there, in the middle of everything. Also making friends that most likely could stop wanting to interact with them whenever they'd come out as a trans person. So, as a parent, what you should be doing is not to worry about them being indoctrinated because it's not how it works. If someone tried convincing you to become a man, you wouldn't even like the idea, right? There can be doubts, though. Another thing is, if they were considering themselves lesbian and a transfem, then it's exactly that. Transwomans are transwomans. They're not mans. They're not womans either. If you are worried about that they might get in trouble, it would be even worse if they ended up doing it themselves or without a doctor. Some choose this way while living in countries where it is even dangerous for their own safety to come out as trans. If you really care and love for your children, then accept whatever they are. That is as simple as that. Try your best at guiding them without your own personal opinion, you have to make sure that what they want is really what they want and not to fit to what fears they might have now. Also, if ever the genetic of being assigned male at birth worries you or them because for example facial hair, for example, the use of a "foil shaver" can help a lot in reducing gender dysphoria. There's also laser/electrosis for hair removal with laser being semi-permanent (lasts the longest) and electrosis being permanent and the really biggest part of medical things is facial feminization surgery. Or top surgery. Some even goes to bottom surgery but even without any of these, it is still very possible to look feminine. Generally transwomans tend to start coming out as fem after around 1 year - 1 and a half year of HRT though at this point, they might look feminine but not yet able to pass like any other ciswoman, by transitioning while being older and having more self awareness, it might be more painful. We can have to wait for a minimum of 2-3 years to start looking at least really feminine. The very rough part of transitioning is not even that. It's not about feminizing your face, your appearance or other. It's feminizing your voice. It can be very difficult. Even doctors supposed to help with that can give wrong guidance from what I have heard. There are a lot of steps, a lot of mistakes to avoid as well. Having to learn to work your larynx, to learning to use something we call "resonance". Having to learn to speak in a feminine voice, to not try too hard to go in a high pitch too, to learn to soften your voice. To practice 'voice fry' and to learn about speaking in a more feminine way. It's a very rough life but it's not one that trans people 'choose' because, even myself as one, I sincerely wish sometimes I could just be cis. I don't wish for all this pain to happen to anybody else but in the end of transition, there is the happiness of being who a person truly is. So that can be worth it if it is really what they feel like they are.

A family friend is a principal dancer with the Royal Ballet. It hasn't turned him trans.

I'm not saying that ballet lessons turn a boy into a transgirl...I'm suggesting that it is perfectly conceivable ( for anyone with an imagination) that a young boy participating in heavily female dominated activities might start to feel he has more in common with girls, or at least more sympathy with 'feminine' pursuits.

There has always been a degree of stigma with boys doing ballet ( my husband, who had a Russian mother, did ballet as a child) and he remembers always feeling acutely embarrassed to be the only boy in the class. And yes, we all know that male ballet dancers have to be incredibly strong and athletic - partly because they spend a good amount of time lifting their female counter-parts.
Same as in ice dancing.