How do you handle gender identity disagreements within a long-standing social group?

There's a huge difference between people's generic opinions on a topic, and living life with a child with that problem. People often opine on the causes or solutions to many teen issues, but aren't coming from the position of having to safeguard their own beloved child at the same time, and even if they were, wouldn't be equipped to comment on that particular child. I have children with different issues, psychiatric and otherwise, and I'm glad I didn't listen to them and wished they'd just kept their opinions to themselves. There's a huge deal of difference in having a one to one conversation where she asked for your opinion or advice, and you just launching in unasked with your 'view' on transpeople. If you are a friend, be a listening ear, and only if you are close, gently prod her own thinking if appropriate- she will be aware of gender critical views these days and doesn't agree with you on how to handle this particular issue.

A couple of decades ago I met parents with some unhealthy views about how to manage their autistic children. It wasn't reportable and they didn't ask for my opinion so I didn't share it. There's nothing to be gained going in gung-ho when you don't even have personal experience of the situation. I would just be neutral.

At one of my old friend's get-togethers another of my old friends (very right-on) starting making faces about J K Rowling. I declared with wide-eyed enthusiasm "she's my hero!" The subject was instantly dropped and her name has not been mentioned again. 😂

The problem is that, if the OP had said that this mother chatted freely about screaming into her child's face, beating them with a rounders bat, locking them in their room with only a bucket in the corner for 24 hours, making them go two days without any food or drink for being cheeky or anything in that vein, absolutely nobody would be nodding along and, at most, accepting it as a 'different opinion' or a 'differing parenting style'.

Unfortunately, this seems to be the one main form of abuse whereby the authorities to whom you would normally report other kinds of abuse will refuse to act and will gaslight and stamp their feet that it's all normal and totally fine. If you're very lucky, they may acknowledge that 'not everybody sees it the same way and is as tolerant or non-prejudiced about trans children', but even then, they will 100% not consider it abuse - and YOUR failing, rather than anybody else's.

By way of analogy, imagine if the police and courts were ordered to arrest and harshly punish anybody who killed somebody with a knife, gun, very hard blow to the head or forcing them to drink poison; but if it was acknowledged that strangling somebody to death was not just not a bad thing, but actually even helping the person who subsequently died, and thus to be celebrated.

Unfortunately, the cross-dressing and opposite pronoun-use are the 'gateway drug' - no matter how often those objecting are screamed at as nasty, bigoted TERFs - and many will gradually end up wanting to have mutilation 'surgery' and or hormones that will be harmful for their body. If adults freely choose this for themselves, OK (although I would believe that even wanting it suggests a lack of capacity); but abuse of children is never something to just nod over and accept as perfectly fine.

Hmmm….. I’m not convinced that most people are happy to be told that they are bringing their children up incorrectly to be honest, no matter who tells them. There are often threads on here complaining about that sort of thing.

Probably not, in most social groups friends end up giving people unwanted advice on any and all topics, and this is just another. People are very good at dealing with unwanted advice from friends, and know it is well meaning. The key is that it is well meaning and from friends. Not direct criticism or ideological attacks from strangers.

That’s different…… hopefully the dementia discussion would be supportive but the discussion the OP wants to have is likely to be seen as a criticism.

Sometimes other people have valuable experiences or points of view, and can be helpful. Just because you are at a book club and don’t have a parent with dementia doesn’t mean you can’t support or discuss the care of elderly people with dementia (insert issue here).

In this case, it is utterly pointless for the Op to volunteer her opinions. The mother is hardly going to say to OP “oooh yes, you we totally right. I have to get my DC to change track.” If the OP attempts to discuss her views, the likely outcome will be irritation and a ruining of the nice vibe in the group. There’s a time and a place. This is not it.

On that basis, incidental chat at groups would be rather limited and egotistical.

It’s nothing to do with you and nothing to do with the club so stay out of if it.

Trans isn't special. I refuse to play along with this myth that you either agree with them 100% or hate them and want them to die. How are we going to dispel that if we treat doubt about the trans agenda as some kind of taboo that can't be mentioned in polite company? There's a middle ground between full blown debate and pretending you don't have concerns.

i go to my book club for book chat, holiday chat, job updates, family chat etc.

If someone rocked up raring to go with wanting a discussion about stuff like this….
You wouldn’t see me for dust.

I agree that robust debate is the best way forward for any society. However, there is a time and a place, and this isn’t it. You will not get a good response if you criticise or challenge a parent directly on this, it just won’t work.

The parent doesn’t want different perpectives, or a healthy debate on the issues, and would likely take any disagreement as criticism of their parenting.

Like it or not, they are probably not able to be unbiased about this particular issue - because it is directly related to their own child. They won’t see it as some abstract discussion about a topic in the news, to them it’s only about their child’s health and wellbeing.

They have likely been gaslit about child suicide, and told that affirmation is the only way to help and support their child, and so they have to convince themselves that this is the right path and that they are doing a good thing.

Any discussion of the harm it may be doing to their child is probably too painful to think about.

Even though I disagree with them, I also feel very sorry for any parent in that situation.

Surely you see the irony of your post?

You said it.

So why would you pull out your soap box and attempt a chat with a parent enduring this?

It hasn't been lost, it's just that the time and place for it isn't with someone who is currently having personal difficulties related to the subject at hand.

It would be rude to start a debate of the merits or otherwise of the benefits system with someone who's just lost their job and is struggling on UC, or whose husband has just had a debilitating accident.

It would be rude to start discussing the holes in theology with someone who has turned to their church having just suffered a bereavement.

And it would be rude to start debating the harms of transitioning teenagers with someone who is going through that very tricky situation.

No, I just want to be able to have conversations, sharing snd listening to different perspectives.

This. Yes.

This is what has been lost. This black and white, right or wrong, good or bad, approach is deeply, psychologically and socially unhealthy in current society.

It is as if we have psychologically regressed en mass.
How did this happen?

Mature functioning is in grappling with the complexities, and in recognising shared humanity despite differences of opinion.

I despair.

This is exactly it for me. I would never dream of giving unwarranted advice to someone who is struggling with a child when I am not walking in their same shoes. However, when the conversation becomes overtly political (all the child's problems are caused by Terfs/JKR etc), it is desperately uncomfortable to listen to and know that this will go unchallenged.

sit with the discomfort. But don’t pull out your soapbox and start debating the issue with a parent who is likely going through one hell of a shit journey now with their child. And the fact you think by not saying something is going to encourage anyone to a damn thing…. Would indicate you maybe have your own issues to address @GuinevereOfTheRoyalCourt

This and I really do disagree but I can’t live other people’s lives for them.

Reading the OP's initial post, it does sound like the trans child has his mum trained to be 8in only-affirm mode, and is now weaponising her against the OP to ensure that the OP either bends to his will and Never Disagrees With Him Ever Again, or is excluded from the family.

I have this with an ex friend. But the thing is she has made it extremely clear that anyone who expresses any doubt is an evil transphobe and a bigot dedicated to the persecution of the most marginalised group on earth. So I say nothing and just keep my distance. I know my input would be rejected. I don’t offer explicit support but I also don’t challenge. It does make me very sad though as I care about the child and wish I could help.