Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

I agree that pragmatic concerns need to be taken into account. Which is why I addressed them.

Putting on a wig or lipstick doesn't make someone a woman and I'm unaware who has said so. Surely a trans woman who believes they are a woman wears a dress for the same reason any woman might? As signifier of femininity to ourselves or others. I don't put on lipstick to make myself a woman, but I do put it on to feel more feminine or as a cultural signifier to others about it. It's just a way that we (in our culture anyway) express gender.

Nobody's going through the hassle of transition just for access to a changing room.
But there's no hassle required for transition. You don't have to "do" anything at all.

Adult men have 160% the punch power of adult women. Of course that necessitates different prisons. So there is no physical equality between men and women. That's not to say the greater strength of men is 'better' than the superpower of creating new life of women. However that greater strength is a fact and that reality needs consideration when running things like prisons.

Adult men can easily over power and rape adult women if they want to. This is just a fact, especially in prison where it's obviously more difficult for the women to get away. The case of the 'transman' raped WITHIN THE HOUR after being put on a male psychiatric ward illustrates this risk.

If this difference in strength was due to a gene A vs B and divided equally among men and women then you bet society would be organised to protect the men without that extra strength from both men and women with it.

Prisons need to be organised in a way that recognises practical considerations and reality. Or, frankly, there won't be any staff to run them. They're already struggling for staff.

Lots of women find it insulting and dehumanising to be expected to pretend a man has become a woman by putting on a wig/dress/lipstick. It doesn’t matter whether you personally can see why, what matter is that is how we feel.

The question asked was should we abolish single sex prisons for equality and you said theoretically yes. Are women safer in a female only prison or a mixed sex prison?

Trans identified women are placed in womens prisons in the UK

I can certainly try. And hope that there won't be any punishment.

Your feelings definitely matter! I don't myself, see why that is dehumanising, however.

(I do appreciate everyone's perspective, though, especially as most people have been respectful to me, as I hope I am also being)

Theoretically, yes, the amount of violence in prison is shocking and unnecessary. Practically speaking, no. For one thing, a trans man would be in serious danger at a men's prison! It might be one of those cases where prisoners need individual protections. Given the small number of trans people and even smaller number of trans offenders, that shouldn't be too expensive. I wouldn't myself be concerned about a trans woman convicted of a nonviolent crime. But I don't think people should be able to transition for the first time in prison. Nobody's going through the hassle of transition just for access to a changing room. But they could easily do it to get better treatment in prison! When we go to prison we revoke some of our rights anyway.

Access to those spaces at all? For example, if a trans woman can't use the woman's toilet or the man's, what are they supposed to do? Therefore, they don't have equality, practically or legally. A solution would be to have gender-neutral spaces, imo would be fine but unfortunately the infrastructure isn't there yet.

Theoretically, yes, the amount of violence in prison is shocking and unnecessary. Practically speaking, no. For one thing, a trans man would be in serious danger at a men's prison! It might be one of those cases where prisoners need individual protections. Given the small number of trans people and even smaller number of trans offenders, that shouldn't be too expensive. I wouldn't myself be concerned about a trans woman convicted of a nonviolent crime. But I don't think people should be able to transition for the first time in prison. Nobody's going through the hassle of transition just for access to a changing room. But they could easily do it to get better treatment in prison! When we go to prison we revoke some of our rights anyway.

All this dismissive 'how does it bother you' and 'it's just polite' bollocks. It's such a privileged position to take.

It bothers me because I find it really difficult to lie. This may be due to neurodivergence but whether or not it is (diagnosis in progress) I also don't want to lie. Calling someone I perceive as a man 'she/her' is lying. It upsets me quite a lot to be forced to lie about something I think is important for safeguarding and safety of women and children

If I'm forced to lie, even by just societal pressure, that tells me I'm worth less and my feelings are worth less (my upset at lying) than a man's feelings. That makes me feel quite shit, honestly.

I also am going through the menopause which means I struggle to remember all the things that are absolutely crucial in my life. I don't have the mental space to remember something new, I just don't. I have multiple alarms and multiple notes on my phone to remind me of things already (and no memory there left either). I don't have the mental space to stop using English the way I've used it for 40+ years. I need to prioritise things that are actually important like my children and my family caring responsibilities and my paid job.

It shows a hugely offensive disrespect for the lived reality of MANY women, particularly working class women, who are constantly juggling multiple responsibilities for actual human lives to act as if this additional mental load is nothing.

The same EHRC guidance is supposed to also consider the longterm impact of menopause on women. But it's not just the menopause is it? It's the menopause on top of the overwhelming amount of both badly paid and unpaid work that overwhelmingly women (and some men) do at this age.

Maybe if your Mum does all your cooking, cleaning and washing, pays all your bills and you have minimal adult responsibilities then you have plenty of time to thought police your own utterances and then it's not a big deal FOR YOU. But if you're the Mum doing all the above, holding down a job, caring for an elderly relative with dementia for whom you already need to alter your communication then it's a massive fucking ask, frankly.

I'm already calling all my children by each other's names all the time and those are the people I love the most. It's completely unconscious and unintentional but it happens. It's hard work remembering names these days, let alone special pronouns on top.

This is also why this shit is a class issue. And why working class people generally have no time for it at all. It's a middle-class luxury belief and a middle-class luxury demand of other people who are implicitly placed in the position of 'lesser' because there is no mutual understanding or respect.

Theoretically, yes, the amount of violence in prison is shocking and unnecessary. Practically speaking, no. For one thing, a trans man would be in serious danger at a men's prison! It might be one of those cases where prisoners need individual protections. Given the small number of trans people and even smaller number of trans offenders, that shouldn't be too expensive. I wouldn't myself be concerned about a trans woman convicted of a nonviolent crime. But I don't think people should be able to transition for the first time in prison. Nobody's going through the hassle of transition just for access to a changing room. But they could easily do it to get better treatment in prison! When we go to prison we revoke some of our rights anyway.

Theoretically, yes, the amount of violence in prison is shocking and unnecessary. Practically speaking, no. For one thing, a trans man would be in serious danger at a men's prison! It might be one of those cases where prisoners need individual protections. Given the small number of trans people and even smaller number of trans offenders, that shouldn't be too expensive. I wouldn't myself be concerned about a trans woman convicted of a nonviolent crime. But I don't think people should be able to transition for the first time in prison. Nobody's going through the hassle of transition just for access to a changing room. But they could easily do it to get better treatment in prison! When we go to prison we revoke some of our rights anyway.

For true equality should we get rid of all single sex spaces? Mixed sex prisons perhaps for true equality between men and women?

I appreciate the nuance, but for me I have never been able to understand how the existence of trans women could possibly "invalidate" my existence as a woman. Nor how it might infringe on my rights. And truly, I cannot fathom how it degrades me.
I don't intend to be dismissive by saying 'overblown', because I can tell that most people are coming from a place of of genuine concern, but I more meant to highlight that the discourse on this topic is HUGE compared to other things that actually affect women a lot more. It makes me suspicious that this is one of those culture wars peddled by the powers that be to distract from much bigger problems.

These arguments are borne from deep naivety.

Yes. Feminism is about equality, ie how women used to not be allowed to have bank accounts, or how sadly we are still not seen as equipped for careers or leadership. If trans men can use "men's spaces" then there is no inequality. The question then becomes if a single-sex space is an accommodation towards equality, like a ramp for wheelchair users. What, then, is the accommodation that women don't have without it?

It's more analogous to covering my shoulders in church even though I'm not Catholic. It's just being respectful.

That's a choice you make when entering a Catholic church. It's more analogous to a Muslim co-worker insisting you cover your hair at work where you have no choice.