Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

It's the same argument you are you using as to why trans women shouldn't use the women's, surely? It's either a problem or it's not. I myself don't care whose in the toilet with me, but given that rates of violence against women I'm at least empathetic about it. If you look up the rates of violence against trans women you may feel some empathy for them too.

You're jumping to the worst possible option, without evidence, just like OPs friend now has a whole forum of people who don't them from Adam assuming they're the worst person just because of their gender identity. It's prejudice, and I don't like prejudice.
In terms of sport I believe sex should matter if someone has gone through male puberty. Otherwise I don't think it's any different from women who are naturally taller/stronger/have slightly elevated testosterone. Because then where do you draw the line? We can't penalize women for that.

I answered that up thread. Feminism is about equal rights. I've yet to be given an example of a right taken away from us by trans women, but I'm open to further information.

TIM should use make toilets because, well, they’re male. If it’s not for safety, why else should a male be able to use female spaces. You agreed violence was rare, so what other reason could there be?

Thing is, if you don't cover your shoulders that doesn't potentially lead to a situation where you get screamed at/receive death and rape threats/are physically attacked/lose your job.

Also, the argument that there are very few trans people isn't convincing. You only need one, in any situation, to change everything. One trans-identifying male in a female sports competition takes the prize from every other woman and girl, and tells all other women and girls coming up through the ranks that organising their life around this effort might not be worth it because years of striving will go to waste if one man decides he wants their prize. And if you don't personally care about sport, and can't understand why it's important for other people, one male in a women's prison impacts every single, most-vulnerable, woman there.

I answered that up thread. Feminism is about equal rights. I've yet to be given an example of a right taken away from us by trans women, but I'm open to further information.

And here we are, discussing trans identifying men in all their feminine glory, instead of the situation OP finds herself in, supporting her in being faced with a difficult decision, and making suggestions as to how to avoid potential adverse effects on her.

(I would still be interested in Labyrinth's answer to my question as to how her feminism can include men taking rights and places away from women.)

I'm saying I don't see how it will prevent harm, but only how it will cause harm. Laws that don't function as intended are pointless.

It's the same argument you are you using as to why trans women shouldn't use the women's, surely? It's either a problem or it's not. I myself don't care whose in the toilet with me, but given that rates of violence against women I'm at least empathetic about it. If you look up the rates of violence against trans women you may feel some empathy for them too.

I mean, technically the only thing stopping most burglaries is a locked door, but some still happen. Are you suggesting no one locks their doors anymore as burglaries still happen? Are there any other crimes we could prevent by just getting rid of laws? How about, if we get rid of drink driving limits? I mean, there’s laws against that but people still do it don’t they?

Are you seriously suggesting that if a man who calls himself a woman goes for a wee in the men's toilets, other men are going to murder him for that? Please be realistic in your arguments.

I'm saying they would be in danger in prison, because violence in prisons is extreme, endemic and well-documented. Frankly, that's something that should be fixed, but there you go. Violence in bathrooms or changing rooms is extremely rare and having them being single sex offers no protection anyway. Predatory men aren't put off by a women only sign.

You don't seem to have a problem with the transwomen making girls and women uncomfortable, when he uses their safe spaces. From a previous post, you also seem to think that a man can become a woman, by enforcing outdated gender stereotypes such as wearing a dress. Do women become "unfeminine", if they wear jeans, or never wear dresses?

And yet people who have come out publicly, gone on hormones, had operations, etc., etc., are still treated as suspicious. Meanwhile, realistically speaking, a man has never had anything stopping him using the women's bathroom without pretending to be trans. There's no gender identity force field protecting it.

I say "can't" because a trans woman using the men's toilet might:

• feel uncomfortable being around men in the same way you would be uncomfortable around them. But their exact same feelings should be dismissed?
• cause embarrassment and disruption if they pass as women and then are ironically challenged for using the "wrong" toilet.
• yes, actually be in danger, because men's violence against trans women is well-documented. Historically, many trans women have been killed by men.

And yet people who have come out publicly, gone on hormones, had operations, etc., etc., are still treated as suspicious. Meanwhile, realistically speaking, a man has never had anything stopping him using the women's bathroom without pretending to be trans. There's no gender identity force field protecting it.

I say "can't" because a trans woman using the men's toilet might:

• feel uncomfortable being around men in the same way you would be uncomfortable around them. But their exact same feelings should be dismissed?
• cause embarrassment and disruption if they pass as women and then are ironically challenged for using the "wrong" toilet.
• yes, actually be in danger, because men's violence against trans women is well-documented. Historically, many trans women have been killed by men.

I say "can't" because a trans woman using the men's toilet might:

• feel uncomfortable being around men in the same way you would be uncomfortable around them. But their exact same feelings should be dismissed?
• cause embarrassment and disruption if they pass as women and then are ironically challenged for using the "wrong" toilet.
• yes, actually be in danger, because men's violence against trans women is well-documented. Historically, many trans women have been killed by men.

Nobody's going through the hassle of transition just for access to a changing room.
But there's no hassle required for transition. You don't have to "do" anything at all.

if a trans woman can't use the woman's toilet or the man's, what are they supposed to do?

The key word there is 'can't'.
Can't means 'unable to'. In what way is a transwoman 'unable' to use the men's toilet?
It's not like disabled people who can't use the standard toilets, because they are actually un-able to use them, and need the adaptations in an accessible toilet.

Being a transwoman does not mean you need to use the women's toilet, the way disabled people need to use the accessible toilet.

So I don't accept your use of the word 'can't' in 'if a trans woman can't use the woman's toilet or the man's'
because a transwoman can in fact use either, but they are only allowed to use one - the men's toilet, which they they are not un-able to use.

As long as a building has a men's and an accessible toilet, no transwoman, able-bodied or disabled, is ever in a position where there are no facilities that they can use.

They may prefer not to use the men's, they may chose not to use the men's, they may object to using the men's, but there's no evidence that they will come to any harm there, so it's just personal choice isn't it, it's not that they can't use the men's.

So I just don't accept this 'urinary leash' 'nowhere to go' 'what are we to do?' argument - there's no reason other than 'I don't want to' stopping transwomen from using the facilities designated for their sex. Not their gender ID, their sex.

I haven't even mentioned mixed sex toilets, which don't seem to be a solution as they are 'outing' .

And don't get me started on able-bodied transpeople using the accessible toilets!

I'm saying they would be in danger in prison, because violence in prisons is extreme, endemic and well-documented. Frankly, that's something that should be fixed, but there you go. Violence in bathrooms or changing rooms is extremely rare and having them being single sex offers no protection anyway. Predatory men aren't put off by a women only sign.

Are you saying female people would be in danger in spaces where males are? Isn’t that a very valid argument for single sex spaces? Are you saying “transmen are men” but they should be in female prisons? That seems very transphobic to me. Surely if they are men they belong in all male spaces?