Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

Only you can decide if it's worth it for you (financially, professionally etc) to go ahead with the project. Or if having to half pretend he's a woman would just take the enjoyment out of the whole thing.

I don't really understand the way that the project is set up but would it be possible for you to say there is a reason for needing to postpone it for a few months - another project that you need to prioritise so you won't have the time maybe? That would give you a bit of time to let everything shake itself out a bit with him and decide if you want to work together.

Or maybe you could check usernames and see that we are all regular Mumsnet members who just don't happen to agree with this stance?

I would say don't assume you know what he thinks or feels. Don't project onto him the worst madnesses of internet TRAs, just like you probably don't recognise the monstrous depictions of TERFs by others - he's probably nothing like that. Without talking to him, you really can't know what he thinks about these things. (And you don't really need to know either tbh.) It's a belief system, I know, but you don't know what parts of it he cleaves to.

You can work with someone who has different beliefs, presumably, without sharing or pretending to share them. It's the same. I work with plenty of trans people and it's completely fine; I have some really fantastic trans colleagues! I don't share their beliefs about gender, but gender is just one more god I don't believe in. Human to human, these things are negotiable in a diverse society.

He's a person, you're a person. Be humans with each other and don't treat each other like avatars of culture war positions and it will likely be fine.

Your friend is changing their gender not their sex

I do actually feel sorry for him because he seems to have lost his way in life, and ended up falling into this as a way to cope with the heavy stress he's been under lately.
Could you be any more patronising? If you talked to her, I'm sure she'd explain she has felt this way since childhood.

If this person is someone who likes me, and values me professionally, can he not respect my wishes?
It's not your life. It's hers. So have nothing to do with her if you disagree so much. Your loss though.

I imagine they would say the same to you.

lol I see this milkshake is bringing all the visitors to the yard

i assume the signal has gone out on Reddit

I’d be tempted to just use his name, I once heard Steve Wright talking about Eddie Izzard and not once did he use a pronoun, it was really well done. And if he challenges you at all, you can just offer grey rock responses.
”Ok” “That’s fine, and about this work thing…”

why should you miss out on the potential income because he’s suddenly become evangelical?

Nonsense - TW are men, they are no more and importantly no less of a danger than any other man

How can you be dismissive of your friends feelings and potentially sack him for bigoted reasons without any repercussions?!?!

Whats all this "going along with this nonsense" talk? They dont need your approval. Its not about you.

And if youre nasty to your friend of 10 years because you disagree a with choice that has no impact on you, causing employment repercussions you deserve all the consequences you get. This isnt about you.

You dont have to like this choice, you dont have to approve, you dont have to agree with transitioning - but you dont terrorise someone because you dont like their choice about their life and gender expression.

There are about two options here:

• Your ex friend declines to work with you further because of your transphobia

• You get to grips with accepting she's a trans woman. You can make the odd slip up with pronouns and names because nobody is perfect and it takes a little while to alter our internal mapping. But you need to let go of the thinking that you understand her life experience better than she does or even that you need to understand at all.

Often trans people describe their pre transition presentation as putting on a performance. Trans women may appear to have been the stereotypical manliest of men having spent ages trying to suppress their gender dysphoria.

If you can tolerate trying to use the correct pronouns for her and know not to out her as trans to others who don't know, you could learn a lot from proximity to her as you work together. Transphobia rarely survives contact with real live trans people.

@MiffedatMP you are the problem here. I hope your friend realises she can't work with you and move on.

All this nonsense about it being a fetish blah blah blah. More danger from the overly masculine, heterosexual men sitting on a train!

Next you'll turn against gay people, then religions different to you, then people of colour, then disabled people.

Have you felt equally sorry for the women forced to share with changing rooms with men performing female stereotypes? Or the female rape survivor told that no she couldn't have a support group that was only for actual women? Or the women bullied out if their jobs because they refused to lie and say men can be women?

or is it only men performing their stereotyped idea of what womanhood that get your sympathy?

oh and transness is not about sexuality which is why straight TW claim to lesbians so they can have sex with women

What's the link with sexuality?

And this post is spot on - show some compassion OP!

If this person is someone you like, and value professionally, can you not respect their wishes?

If it is at this point a completely informal arrangement and any money which may be made in future is purely speculative, I think you'd be legally safe to just drop it. If there has been any formal agreement made about work and income, even hypothetical, this complicates matters. Likewise if he has any grounds to argue this is a "job offer" of sorts, even if you haven't formalised it as yet. And regardless of the legalities, I'm afraid there's no magic bullet to avoid the social consequences, if people think you are in the wrong they have a right to think that, and if they think this has happened just because this person is trans, well they are not wrong about that.

Honestly, I expect I will get pushback for this but I'm going to be blunt - I'm gender critical but trans people exist in society and you will encounter them from time to time, and if you really cannot cope with them or work with them at all, then that is a "you problem", to be quite honest. This situation you might be able to get out of, but in the future you may encounter a situation you can't just avoid, ie a work colleague or family member. You may have to find a way to reconcile your beliefs to be able to co-exist with them just as you would with anyone else who might hold beliefs you don't agree with. Trans people are entitled to courtesy and respect, the way I see it if anyone not trans told me they'd changed their name or wanted to be referred to in a particular way, I would honour this out of basic politeness so I don't see why I can't do this for trans people. I think of using pronouns as somewhat divorced from sex in this context - the same way you might call a boat "she" but understand it is not actually a woman, or how some languages gender nouns but aren't literally saying the table is female or whatever. Ultimately even if you get out this situation with no legal issues and minimal social flack, you still will have lost both an opportunity and a friend which would be a shame on both counts if this happens.

Well it doesn’t sound like you can do the project with anyone else. So what is more important to you - doing the project or respecting your opinions? If the former, do the project and treat your friend like any other human being, if the latter, cancel the project and be prepared for potential fallout.

I had no idea people could be so insecure about their sexuality.
I can honestly say I have never felt threatened by the trans people I used to work with. I did not feel offended as a woman either. I felt sorry for them often.
Such a long way to go in the world of humanity.

How important is the project? Not for you, for the ultimate beneficiaries? If it is really important and he has a vital skill - like the late Queen Mum's orthopaedic surgeon who at first was noticed wearing makeup in the 1980s and then, having had children with his wife, made a surgical transition to a woman, continuing to do hip replacements on the NHS at the same time, I would continue. If it is a non-vital project, just cancel it. And then start it again, in a while, with different hires.

My concerns would be:

legal - we have seen how, for trans-identified men, this can become the driving force and nothing else matters, so you would need to assess worst-case scenario in any possible legal context, however unlikely it might seem at present; and

social/business - if you refuse to go along, eg to use wrong-sex pronouns, you could end up with a reputation for being anti-trans which would damage you in both these areas. And before someone jumps on the anti-trans bit, no woman should be forced to give up the definition and language of our sex class to include men, or to work with males who think that 'womanhood' is something that they can know anything about.

Not sure it's worth the risk, tbh. There is no way you would be able to avoid pronouns in the course of this if this is something you will want to monetise, as that will inevitably involve communicating with other people.

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans"
You are (or you would be if you cancelled the project).

losing his friendship forever
You will anyway when he realises you are GC.

risking him smearing my good name around our small town, among our many mutual acquaintances, with goodness knows what social/business/friendship repercussions
This is the consequence of your belief system. HOWEVER, you won't be the only one who feels this way, so this effect won't be universal.