Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

On this thread at the moment we are only allowed to talk about one type of trans person and other types of trans people. Posts are deleted for mentioning the other so it's not really going to be possible to discuss OP's concerns but safe to say we get it.

Honestly OP, I would not even try to have a conversation with him right now. He won't be open to hearing your views. Just gradually withdraw, engage with him less and if he brings up the project just say it's on the back burner for now,

You won't be the only one in his life to do this, trans people say it's common to lose some friends and family and they deal with that fine. It's ok to just quietly move on.

I don't have the foggiest idea about you, which is why when you said "I'm going to cancel the project" I took that to mean you were going to cancel the project; you then screamed at me that I was a liar so yes I have rather formed some opinions about you at this point.

If a 'friend' suddenly started demanding I bow whenever they walked into my presence or treated them like a cat, providing a litter tray if they visited then I wouldn't do it. I'd suspect some degree of coercive control and in the latter case some kind of sexual fetish at play.

There are certain 'requests' which set off our spidey senses for a reason.

If it's "not political" why are they repeatedly marching in the streets carrying banners making demands, banners which were supplied by the Socialist Worker (it's printed on the banner)? Why have they spent so much time lobbying MPs, trying to get the law changed, using the police and the judiciary to punish non-believers? How is that not political?

Has your friend been doing all this? He has been busy.

You screamed "Liar liar liar" at me for taking your own words - that you wanted to cancel the project - at face value.

Honestly, it sounds like there is one party who is likely to cause drama in this working relationship and it isn't your friend.

For the reasons OP has already explained. She doesn't want him to get nasty about it. She is allowed to quietly withdraw.

The pressure on women to accept this crap is horrendous. Not all trans people are the same, she is allowed to like some and not others.

Could you explain you don’t believe that people can change sex anymore that you believe in [name of whatever deity/religion you don’t believe in] and ask him to respect your beliefs?

I have got a friend who has a nephew that decided he was female and said friend was enthusiastically going along with it. In the end I did say to my friend I didn’t believe in trans ideology and henceforth his nephew that he was calling his niece was never mentioned again.

(To be - characteristically! - cautious, I should add I’ve not read all of OP’s posts, when I usually would… but those I have read simply make some really thoughtful points that I desperately wish TRAs would address. Based on this - I hope it all works out, OP, for you and the friend).

But you do realise your "old school" friends were once in exactly the same situation this person is, newly coming out and trying to navigate the world? Presumably he's never behaved in a "terrifying" way before or you wouldn't be friends, so why do you assume he's suddenly going to start? Why for that matter are you asking mumsnet when none of us know this person from Adam instead of actually talking to him?

I would defer it. Not necessarily indefinitely, but just long enough that the two of you can get used to the situation and work out how you're going to deal with it. And I do think it's something you need to negotiate together. The burden of discomfort shouldn't be yours alone. Good luck with this.

I find it telling when a considered argument about balancing rights, including some acknowledgement of concern for trans people, brings out apparent anger (and tired cliche) in turn - and from a poster who was managing to walk a more careful path before that.

It honestly comes across as a fear of engaging with the nuance in a complex issue.

I don’t know whether your own misunderstandings of my (very clear) post are deliberate or a kind of instinctive defence mechanism of this kind, but they’re the last way possible to bring people like me round to your way of thinking.

Reading the thoughtful anxiety of people like OP… then seeing the reductive, reactionary and often rude responses to it of “the other side” are what tipped me into the GC camp. I’m on the side of reflection, discussion and caution - and, above all, not assuming the worst of someone responsible enough to be stressing the way the OP is.

No, nobody should force you to. But caring so much if it's 'true' or not seems weird. I get called by a nickname. Should people make a big deal because it's not the one on my birth certificate? I think you are overthinking this. Keep it professional and neutral. It's not your life.

I’m not quite it is the same as someone holding various other beliefs that are just their personal stance on something.

This is not a personal belief as it puts pressure on others to affirm the counter reality. The lie, if you will. And my goodness, it can become quite the persecution of your ‘wrong think’ if you don’t play along with it. If you believe in reality like.

You literally just said you were going to cancel or postpone the project, don't you dare call me a liar for responding to your own words.

Honestly it's starting to sound like your friend is better off without you with all the accusations and insults you seem happy to fling around, I hope he's able to offer his unique expertise to someone else who can work with him without prejudice and that he thoroughly enjoys the resulting money.

Your words:

"I think your making me realise that has given me the answer to it -- I really will have to cancel the project, which also makes me feel gutted, but at least it does not make me feel terrified of being targetted by the mob. I have seen on YouTube how viciously they attack women and I don't want to put myself in that firing line.

I'll postpone it and hope that one day he'll realise it was just a response to heavy stress and return to being his old self again."

I do understand that, and honestly I would share your worry. But if you've been clear about your beliefs at the start, I can't see how he has a leg to stand on if he later comes back to you and demands you ignore them.

Re assuming there's a chance he'll change his mind... You can (reasonably) fear that his beliefs are going to turn him into someone demanding and unreasonable, but I'm not sure it's okay to cut him out based on this possibility when he hasn't actually done it? Not all trans people behave like that so it's not a given. Isn't acting on an assumption a bit like cutting out a friend who has converted to moderate Islam just in case they turn into a fanatic at a later date? I appreciate Islam is not a perfect comparison (not being demanding of non-believers) but it helps me to consider the same problem in a slightly different scenario iyswim.