Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

what a horrible situation.

you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. It’s discrimination to reject him because of his protected transgender reassignment status. But I totally understand why it’s gonna be difficult working with him. I’d like to think in your situation I just say to him, I’m a sex realist I’m not gonna call you She and if you can work together on that basis, we’re all good but if not, we’re gonna have to rethink The Project because I’m not gonna play along with something I don’t believe in. For very good reasons.

you could also mention that you’re very uncomfortable with the idea of compelled speech and happened in particular having your speech compelled in a way that goes against your beliefs.

If it all blows up it blows up but it sounds like it’s gonna blow up either way. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I hope you find a solution sooner than later so you can stop stressing about it.

I don't doubt this.
The problem is, though, that trans women expect actual women to affirm them.
Often about things actual women may not have any interest in: such as make-up and so on.

I don't see it as just living and let live. It's not that simple, unfortunately.

Of course, if I meet a trans woman I will be courteous (as long as they're not in female only spaces) because surface level communication is not an issue.

If the server in say the local shop is a trans woman, I will exchange the usual pleasantries as I would anybody but I don't want to be friends with them and it would be awkward to have them as a colleague.

They expect other women to validate them.
It's really difficult to do that and why the heck should we?

It's offline, @cherryicecreamisnice and face to face.

Most people in real life can rub along ok when given the tools to do so. I spent many years running a very large diverse community and we managed it. That doesn't mean nobody ever fell out or challenged each other - that's not a reasonable expectation - but it is reasonable to expect to be able to handle disagreement with respect and moderation and find a way forward. Most people in real life really can do this.

I have worked a lot with people from communities that were at war with each other, ongoing conflicts where their own families have been killed. It really is possible to find ways to coexist with people with whom you have profound conflict. It can be done, but I don't think it can be done online.

Where is this world where you don’t get challenged and gaslit by performative antagonists? Are there flights available?

Interesting that he's renowned for having "nearly over 40 years" knowledge and experience in his certain field. Because, guess what he doesn't have any knowledge or experience of... yep, being a woman.

How very dishonest of him. It is very much designed to try to paint you as being the unreasonable person because you won’t pretend to go along with a load of pseudoscience bunkum. Quite nasty, and I would sup with a long spoon.

Is he on antidepressants? My gay friend went on heavy antidepressants after going through some serious life alerting sh*t and suddenly found himself attracted to both men and women. Got off the meds and gone back to being gay.

OP I hope this thread was helpful. I found it considerable food for thought. The more I consider the situation the more difficult it is: to navigate professional development, multiple line of personal integrity (commitment to plurality, fairness, forthrightness and GC beliefs) as well as one's on limitations and interpersonal capacity. All very difficult. Best of luck and kind regards.

For what it's worth, I've walked this tightrope a number of times, worried a great deal before... and found it easier than expected once you've practised a little, established a precedent and developed a habit. It depends on the context, of course, but I'd suggest...

If your colleague isn't present, using the name should suffice, even if it feels repetitive - they're not there to mind.

If they are present, then you can use the name a fair amount before it starts to sound really unnatural, which you can avoid by alternating using it with a chatty "you", said with a smile at the colleague in question even as you also address the other people present - doing this can come across as, well, actually quite inclusive 😃 and warm, done carefully.

So he's already (post his transition i presume?) said you hate trans people? If so I would run a mile from working with him as he's already being unreasonable

testerical mantrum

Oh the irony of accusing your friend of tantruming. 🙄

I think in all fairness to OP who started this thread for support, anyone who thinks the person who now admits they (using this as not sure about their status other than asuming their posts illustrates they were male but in fact owned up to be an American!) isn't engaging.

Anyone who thinks this random intervention from the US really needs to be anwered could maybe start a thread about all the "I think this way why dont you feminism.

That way the posts that are actually answering the OP and not the interventionist derail, would be more easily available to OP, who by now has probably left in despair!

Sorry OP as I did respond and should know better.

ie dont feed the trolls, even if they dont know they are trolls

Yes, which is, in part, what the equality act does with its single sex exemptions, and other categories which denote particular or certain vulnerabilities.

We've managed for several millennia to identify the differences between the sexes. It is hard wired in; especially for females who also seem to have an extra finely tuned radar for the subliminal signals as well. Our survival depends on it...just as with every other creature.

Most men don't pass at all....which is why I recognise such men on a frequent basis in and around my city. Also, I've never seen a 'butch' woman who I've mistaken for a man - though in recent times I've also seen quite a few young women sporting a bum fluff moustache, a consciously masculine wardrobe choice, and a sleeve, or two, of tatoos.

Vulnerable men should be in a special wing of the male estate.

A difficult situation, but in all honesty if i were in that situation then I'd have to adress it with him the moment it came up as an issue, or as a demand. You can be polite and respectful, but still firm. I'd also, of course, have to address it with other colleagues...which I'd do individually and privately, so that everyone in the team knew my stance.

Personally, I know that if i went along with this business I'd soon have generated a whole lot of anger and resentment - which would inevitably come out in a more confrontational way than if I had dealt with it early on.

Fair points in this context. And I did say I'd bow out anyway.

FWIW, OP, my advice would be to forge ahead without the slightest reference to the transition, using names and avoiding pronouns... This respects both perspectives. Or, if you feel able, to very delicately sound this out with the person concerned, if you feel doing so won't itself land you in hot water with accusations of bigotry. I think your relationship and exciting project (and potentially the individual themselves) may deserve that investment.

However, if you do legitimately fear that even these approaches could make you vulnerable to distressing or damaging accusations of bigotry, or a volatile dynamic, then I'd understand you stepping back a bit (and, again, would see this as further regrettable evidence of how the militancy of this ideology can harm the individuals it professes to advocate for as well 😔).

I hope you can find a way forward.

But it's common sense, knowing how homophobic hate crime works, that the more visible you are in that way, the more at risk you are.

But it's not common sense that opening women's spaces to males on their say-so increases their risk? 🤔

other people seem to think predatory men are fixated on bathrooms as their preferred place of attack Other people acknowledge the extensive evidence that mixed-sex spaces significantly increase women's vulnerability to attack.

Please take valid concerns by women about the horrors of physical attack more seriously: address the argument being made, as opposed to teetering wicker men it's far easier to put a match to.

https://www.spiked-online.com/2025/12/11/mixed-sex-changing-rooms-are-putting-women-at-needless-risk/

https://www.hsj.co.uk/patient-safety/revealed-hundreds-of-sexual-assaults-each-year-on-mixed-gender-wards/7026629.article

https://committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/95686/html/

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/12/09/sexual-predators-target-girls-mixed-changing-rooms-wrn-uk/

https://fairplayforwomen.com/unisex-changing-rooms-put-women-in-danger/

*Links posted indiscriminately from the top of a google search, 1) bc of time constraints & 2) to make the point that this is very well-documented, easily evidenced & a cause for widespread concern.

NB. I don't think anyone's even mentioned hidden cameras yet (that's a whole other terrifying mountain of evidence; it's not all about physical violence).

This. It’s a mystery to me that has often kept me up at night how so many people ever manage to have a baby. How lucky I was that the person I married turned out to produce sperm and that I managed to produce an egg. Its all such a mystery when we don't routinely DNA test.

Wow, the rather large elephant in the room.
As soon as you put a transwoman in a women's prison, you are putting a - MAN - in there.
This is, for most people, a very easy fact to understand.

And eyeliner, obvs.

@MiffedatMP

I've just gone back to your OP and seen that he is describing himself as 'trans female', not a trans woman.

First they came for woman, then female. This might just be the nom de jour among newly-identified males, or it might be 0-100 claiming ground.

I am loath to envisage a situation where you have to give up on what might have been an interesting and possibly lucrative project, but would advise caution. And from my own experience and observation, and the fact that you also mention punitive activists locally, the concept of having a calm, honest conversation based on mutual respect and understanding of each other's deeply held conviction in this area with no fallout, seems unlikely.

Note the number of posts deleted on this thread, some of which are surprising because my memory is that the tenor of this thread has been generally reasonable.