Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

Did you ever have a conversation about sexuality and previous relationships or did you just assume his sexuality?
I don't think someone experimenting with different things when they're young and single should be held against them, although that's easy said as an outsider. Technically, I don't think he's done anything wrong but I think I'd find it hard to get past and be intimate again if I was in your situation.
It's for you to decide if the relationship is worth fighting for, if everything else was good then I think couples counselling is worth a shot.

Sorry you are going through this OP. What a shock it must be. It would definitely be a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn’t be able to look at him in the same way ever again. I wouldn’t be happy about the misogynistic language used in some of the messages either.

This must be a massive shock. Both the random hookups and the having sex with men. Is it possible to get away for a bit to process everything that is in your head? Or ask him to go elsewhere for a few days? Big unmumsnetty hug for you.

what I would want to ask him is why didn’t he tell you he was bisexual

if it was because he knew you wouldn’t date him and have kids with him

Then I would be fucking furious and end the relationship - because it shows that he knows you wouldn’t have dated him so he decided to lie and trick you

his wants and needs overide what you wanted and needed from a partner

Nah it’s happened since
you don’t just change who you are overnight

I suspect that if you were to dig some more you would find out a lot more recent stuff

but even so he’s lied to you

at the very least he is bisexual man
or hiding that he is gay but having sex with men that present as women

either way he’s lied to you about who he is sexually and that’s a pretty big lie

I wouldn’t date a bisexual man and that’s my right to choose that
he’s taken that away from you

Do you feel that way about bisexual women as well?

I'm surprised how many people seem to believe being Bi doesn't exist and have jumped straight to he must be a gay man.

I don't think your partner should have lied to you OP, having said that, we don't necessarily have a right to the ins and outs of our partners sexual histories before they meet us. That history will be longer the later you meet in life.

Only you can decide whether you can be with a man who is Bi, who is particularly attracted to transexuals, and whether you trust him not to cheat. Also, the 'vile' messages may have a bearing on your decision.

It must be tough finding this out, you have my sympathies.

It wouldn’t be my cup of tea either and would be the end for me, even if it was before we met. Others might feel differently, if it was definitely before the marriage.

What a shock, OP. I personally don't have an issue with bi men, can still find them attractive, but I know many women can't.

What I would have a massive problem with is the hiding of his true sexuality. That's enormous and I couldn't get over that. Not even just who he's attracted to, but the dehumanising language used when talking to them in those emails, as that would be a serious incompatibility for me

Your feelings about it are valid, whatever they are. Don't let him minimise anything just because it happened before you got together.

Sorry hun, you can't just flick a switch and no longer enjoy penis's. I would be vvv surprised if he's not indulged in his homosexual urges, whilst being in a relationship with you
I would be done, i'm afraid x

It is entirely possible he was gender critical then as well.

This sounds like fetishism rather than TWAW to me.

Is he gender critical now?

I wouldn’t be so confident @ImmyNotNewHere…

You've essentially discovered that the partner you thought was a straight man, is actually gay or bisexual, and likes having sex with a male body dressed in women's clothing. That is a huge concept to get your head around.

However, the bigger concern is whether this was an experimental phase, or a fundamental part of who he is. If it's the latter, then the chances are he'll cheat on you, if he hasn't already. Surely someone who's gay would find it impossible to commit to straight sex only for the rest of their life?

If I’ve read this right then all the messages predate you too? So he’s not messaged anyone since you got together? I’m which case I think as it predates you what this comes down to is if you would date a bi man or not. If you would never have began a relationship with someone who had slept with men (however the present) then that’s your answer the relationship is over. If it’s that you don’t believe a bisexual can be loyal then that would be wrong of you. But you can’t help how you feel if the love is gone it’s gone even if it’s from offensive stereotypes.

you described him as a good partner in every way until you discovered these messages so provided none of the messages overlap with you I would encourage you to get some couples counselling and see if this is salvageable or to support you both through the ending. You have children together it’s not so easy to just walk away now.

although you said the messages were vile. And I do think the content of that is relevant. Gross details may be vile but not necessarily something I’d say leave him over. If he’s using degrading and sexist language or clearly getting off on them using it then yeah that’s reason to leave because it speaks to how he views women.

Well he's bi, and he's not going to stop being bi. That in itself doesn't necessarily mean he's more likely to cheat but it kind of doubles the criteria of people who he could fancy.

The fact he lied is the problem and I don't think you can come back from that.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted.

Honestly, this is what I would focus on. Not what he did before you met, but I would be asking myself how I feel about the relationship, what I know him to be or not to be.

It is clearly a huge shock. No-one likes to read about their partners previous sexual encounters at the best of times, let alone this.

I think you both need to take a bit of space. You're feeling shock, he's probably feeling shame, neither of you will be in the best place to have a frank discussion about this and what it means for your relationship right now.

Honestly- no matter what he has been unfaithful to you as well as deceitful and dishonest towards you and your family. I am assuming you believed you were in monogamous relationship with a straight man.

He has had sex with other people outside of the relationship, probably to satisfy his closet gay/ bi urges. The trans part is probably all part of this - a man who claims to be a woman so it is ok.

none of this is ok in any form and the relationship is not what you have been led to believe. Sorry you are having to deal
with this-it must be a huge blow.

For me, this would fall in to the "fetishes I can't get on board with" camp.

I'd be annoyed (putting it mildly) that I was unaware of the fetish (regardless of what it was) in the time we'd been together and therefore couldn't make an informed choice in how I proceeded with the relationship.

I'd have no issue with my partner being bi, it would be the failure to disclose a particular fetish I'd have an issue with.

This must be incredibly stressful for you OP to find out that your partner has not been up front that he was bisexual.

I hope that you get the support you need to be able to make a decision about what you want to do next.

From my limited observations, the problem is likely to be in the future, not the present. The partner will say now that he’s absolutely sure that he wants to stay with and remain faithful to the OP.

It may well be a different story 10, 20 or 30 years down the line, when he decides that he now needs to explore his sexuality, that he’s been living a lie and he wants to leave the marriage, or stay in the marriage but get the OP’s permission to have sexual relationships with men.

if you go looking you might end up finding I suppose.
Were you feeling suspicious and that’s why you snooped?
Details of a partners former sex lives are their own really but I imagine these were horrible to read for you.

Sounds like he is a pansexual with a trans fetish and some type of humiliation kink (slut, slag etc.).

He can still be happy in a monogamous relationship with you, but it ia upto you if you are ok with who he is. I would suggest taking a minute to process this and mayne see a couples counsellor to work through this since it is quite a lot to find out about your partner.