Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

I just wish he had said it from the start, and I could have made a decision.

I personally don't think we need to proactively share information about the nature of previous sexual relationships with new partners. We need to ensure we have good sexual health and we should be honest if asked but I don't think you can blame him for not volunteering the information. If I had had lesbian sexual experiences I wouldn't consider it my duty to share that with a man before getting involved with him.

By his own admission he is a 'straight acting guy' so he's pretending to be straight.

I came on to say this too. Im so sorry OP. What a shock.

Hope you have some real life support and he leaves without any fuss.

This must be really hard to learn OP. I’m sorry. At best this is lying by omission about his sexuality isn’t it. The biggest issue to me is not being attracted to both sexes, it is that you never knew and when you found out, he initially lied. The trust is now well and truly broken.
If you can’t accept a partner who is attracted to men as well as women, even if he is faithful to you, then that’s that isn’t it. If you can, the deceit might be the dealbreaker anyway. It probably would be for me. I personally see a big difference between failing to tell me something and lying to me when I find out anyway. How could I trust him again?

I find it difficult to believe that he's given up this pattern of behaviour tbh. The fact that he's hidden this side of himself from you is a complete breach of trust. I'd definitely be getting checked out at your nearest sexual health clinic. Just to be on the safe side.

'I also feel total repulsion.'

As would I. And I'm not sure there's any coming back from that. So sorry you're having to go through this.

Since when was it a rule that you had to announce your entire sexual history and experiences to a new partner?

People are always advocating on MN that a persons sexual past is their business alone. Seems hypocrticial to say he should have divulged this. Perhaps OP hadn't asked and DH has been committed to OP so no reason to bring up his past.

Does every women announce their past lesbian experiences to their partner? If I've dabbled in bondage, autoerotica asphyxiation, role playing when am I required by MN law to divulge this info?

By OP admission he's been caring, devoted, loving for the entirety of the relationship and she has no reason to doubt this.

" If he does want to explore his homosexuality then you should leave him…"

From the sound of things, he's already explored his sexuality. This doesn't sound like a man who ended up in the traditional het-marriage-two-kids relationship before he ever had a chance to find out what else he liked. He's tried all kinds of things, and it turned out what he likes is OP.

I would 100% end it, dealbreaker.

Talk to him.

Did you post on the wrong thread?

Yes it's very important NEVER to analyse the actions of a man, because men's feelings are more real than any women's request for honesty around sexual health or to associate with humans who aren't misogynist.

Some people experiment with sexuality, maybe he was sexually confused or curious or is bi, but has chosen heterosexuality. You've been together a long time, how old was he when these encounters took place?

Just because he has had sex with men it doesn't make him a paedophile or a risk to children. I can understand you feel repulsed and upset about being lied to. Would it be better if it had been (female) prostitutes?

I would hate this. What was his explanation/take on it? How did he respond to you? Did you believe him?

There are some things that don't need to be analysed, they are just creepy and gross.

Your husband deliberately seeking out a male stranger who calls himself a "slag", to sleep with, even if it was before you met - well that's just creepy and gross.

Sometimes there's no need to add polysyllables to everything. The problem is not that dh is bisexual. The problem is that his behaviour was creepy and gross.

You feel repulsion because your visceral reactions are taking over to keep you safe. Don't intellectualise it. Your instincts are correct.

Do you know about reflex actions? When you touch a burning hot object, the reflex signal actually bypasses your brain so that you can pull your hand away faster. Your brain thinking intellectually "this is too hot, I should withdraw my hand or it will burn" is too slow a process to protect you from the burn.

What we have right here is creepy grossness. You feel repulsed for a reason, it's like your hand pulling back suddenly from being burnt.

Speaking for myself I don’t think that it “doesn’t exist”. But I think that someone who describes themselves as “straight-acting” is a closeted homosexual rather than bi. And I think that’s reinforced by the men he chooses to have sex with: men who disguise themselves as women.

However I also think that if it’s true that this ALL predates his current relationship, then it could possibly be experimentation rather than a fixed attraction. But that’s not something we can identify on here: @ImmyNotNewHere needs to work that out with her partner, preferably with the aid of a therapist. And she also needs to decide whether she herself can get past all this: the deception, and seemingly too, the attitude expressed towards women in the messages, mean that’s not necessarily simple.

I don't think you can trust that, OP.

I'd be getting tested asap.

He didn't tell you because he knew you'd likely find it a huge turn off and not be able to see him the same ever again.

I'd be packing huis bags for him.

For many gay men who cross dress or 'identify as' a woman - attracting a straight man is the ultimate goal or fantasy. And for 'straight' men who engage in this sort of behaviour they have often been led there by pornography and/or by hook-up sites - both of which are addictive and transgressive and which lead men down all sorts of rabbit holes.

I can see it’s a big shock and it’s natural to feel really anxious. I imagine that if a women had had a thing with another women in the past and was now married to a guy that nobody would bat an eyelid or see this as an automatic threat to the current relationship. It’s in the past, so surely the issue here is whether you are unable to handle that he may be attracted to both men and women? Being bi doesn’t mean he will be unfaithful - anymore than you being attracted to men doesn’t mean that you will want multiple male partners.

There is no way on this planet I could be with a man that likes to shag another man, let alone shag another man who is pretending to be a girl. The whole thought repulses me.
Id be livid if he lied about this, he has essentially tricked you into believing he is someone he is not.
He clearly likes to shag men, that hasn't stopped because he is with you.

For everyone saying he is gay Bi people exist! I can tell it is a shock but it was before you got together and you say you don't think he has cheated on you. I think the main issue is that he wasn't upfront with you in the first place so you could make an informed decision as to whether you wanted to have a relationship or not. Personally it wouldn't bother me (I am bi which my husband was aware of before we started our relationship) but everyone has different boundaries.

I would find it hard to believe that this fetish has just gone away. It's highly addictive behaviour and I wouldn't want to trust him at all to tell you the truth.

I suspect it is still a current activity or certainly a proclivity. Why would someone keep such emails for so long? I'd be horrified to read such vile content and would never be able to look at my husband/partner in the same way again.

There are several issues

1. Are you attracted to a man who is sexually attracted to other men, whether trans women or otherwise
2. are you attracted to a man who has wanted regular hook ups
3. are you attracted to someone who hid their sexuality from you
4. are you attracted to someone who is attracted to men who identify as women

It’s up to you whether you are or are not. But if you’re not, then the relationship doesn’t have to continue. You don’t have to be in a relationship with someone you’re not attracted to.