Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

I feel like the most problematic things are:

Seems like he has been paying for sex in the past. The idea of buying someone's consent is a big red flag.
He has not been open about being bi.
His past sexual behaviour has been centred around a very specific fetish. he's entitled to have a fetish. You are entitled to find it a turn-off or deal breaker. The misogynistic language he and the guys he has been in contact with seem comfortable with is particularly yuck.
How confident can you be that this is all pre-relationship stuff.

You don't need to make a decision right now, this is all new info to you. Just take care of yourself and take time to process your feelings about it all. So sorry OP.

@Tweetybye Don't be ridiculous. Of course it's relevant, and everybody has the right to want to be with someone who is the same sexual orientation as themselves, and who also has a similar sexual history.

Also OP, take no notice of posters who take a swipe at you for snooping. In no way is that anywhere near as bad as his deceit and adulterous behaviour. It's worth noting that if some women had not acted on their instinct, they would be stuck for year or even decades with cheating husbands.

Why gay rather than bi?

Exactly. Sort it out at the beginning not some years down the line.

I'm really sorry about your experience OP, and I think that most women on the relationship forums would be very supportive I'm there frequently). There might be one or two that say bonkers things, but they will be outweighed by sensible and sympathetic posters, usually.

Yes, he's lied to you about who he is. Even today in our supposed liberal society, there are men who lie about their sexuality in order to have the traditional family set-up that they're after. They sleep with men on the side whilst in a heterosexual relationship.

I recommend that you get an STD check as soon as possible.

Also just wanted to add - take certain posters with a massive pinch of salt. Mumsnet and this thread attracts some people who've come here from the transactivist bowls of Reddit.

Agreed with the fact that he should have been open. Both me and DP are bi, he’s been with men and women, I’ve been with men and women. Neither of us care but the point is that we were open with each other and then a decision could have been made early on.

I suppose if I wanted to know I would ask.
I have never asked.
If a new partner asked me, I would see red flags - what's it got to do with them?
I suppose people like me and people like you would never get past the first date, which is fine.

You can apply your theory to OP and her invasion of privacy. She was snooping on her partners emails, and justifies it as 'looking for receipts' or whatever. So OP by indulging in this activity might be susceptible to other forms of invasion of privacy (looking through his phone, following him, impersonating him in texts, the sky is the limit). You never know what they're planning next for kicks.

I'm sorry you're in this position. He obviously knew this would be a deal-breaker for a lot of women, which is why he's kept it secret then lied when confronted with the evidence. I don't need or want to know all the gory details of a serious partner's sexual history, but I'd expect a little more honesty than this, somewhere in the relationship before moving in together or having children. I don't think that's asking too much, and it absolutely feels like a huge lie by omission that he never gave you any hint of this side of himself.

Personally, I don't think I could see a man as a viable partner if I knew he was also attracted to men, and the fact that he went for promiscuous transwomen would just be another couple of layers of disgust. Then there's the deceit. I'd struggle to trust him again, because if he could keep this big a secret for several years, who's to say he hasn't lied about other things? It would just be too much for me to move past it. Unfortunately, the children complicate matters, but I still don't think I could see any way to continue living with him.

@secretrocker Yes I would expect someone to tell me about their sexual past to some extent. I wouldn’t want to sleep with a man who has slept with another man. That’s my personal choice. But by not telling me a partner is taking that choice away from me. And if my partner doesn’t like my boundaries then he of course is free to walk away too.

He could and should have been open with OP at the start though. Then she could have decided whether she felt comfortable with his sexual history. But now she’s been blindsided.

I was just about to post something similar.
If you aren't ok being with someone who is bisexual or has been in the past that's one thing.
But do people really discuss their sexual past with a new partner? I never have done, have I hidden my past? There's certainly things I haven't told DH. Why should I?
Whether a bisexual person is more likely to cheat than a heterosexual person is widely debated on here. Heterosexual people cheat too

Perhaps he tried it and regretted it, and would prefer for it to stay in the past, hence the lieing? If that was the case should he still have disclosed that?

All people have sexual preferences. Many people wouldn't have coupled up with someone if they knew they were going to balloon in weight and make no effort to stay in shape a few years down the line, but you would be vilified for voicing that preference. Perhaps people are lieing by omission by not saying toa partner 'btw I hate exercise, love junk food, love the puband I'm only slim because I'm young and have a high metabolism'.

That won't be the end of it, I'm afraid.

wow, reading these messages as a bi woman who largely dated other women before settling down (monogamously) for over 15 years (so far) with my husband has been eye- opening, in terms of the comments and opinions from many who assume it’s just a matter of time before i cheat on him. Unless it’s only bi men who don’t seem to be able to exist here.

OP you have the right to choose and do whatever you want, my advice would be to take the recommendations of those who encourage a lot more dialogue before you do so,to be as informed as possible about your partners situation and give you the best possible ideas moving forward about how you feel. All the best

This

I’m sorry OP what a shock

O. M. G. This is awful..... The way I see it is : This isn't, or cannot be a simple TRANS. Transgression. This is my opinion only and might not be everyone's but : I think that people who indulge in activities outside the norm.are susceptible to doing other extraordinary practices. The sky's the limit. Unless you Love him a lot errr, this could be a challenge because you're never going to know what they're planning next for kicks.

I’d be devastated too OP and I’d be ending the relationship . For so many reasons.

I hope he doesn’t hurt and insult you further and that you can gather your strength to make the right decisions for you.

And never apologise for posting on “ the wrong thread”. You’ll find compassion ( and idiots!) on all threads on MN.

I'd be running a mile OP. When he can't be honest about who he is then how can you trust anything that comes out of his mouth? Not wanting to be in a relationship with a bi man is a choice you were entitled to make, he also took that choice away from you. Not wanting to be with someone who hooked up with transwomen previously also valid. You deserve much better than this.

If you thought your partner was, (for want of a better word as I hate this word), Vanilla, and you were happy with that, and it turns out he is very much not but instead likes hooking up with total strangers using sordid language, it's completely normal to be grossed out by that.

This is not the same as saying "by MN law you have to declare previous sexual history".

We all sit somewhere on the sexually liberal vs prudish spectrum. We have a right to know, and have a preference for, where one's partner lies on that spectrum. Op would not have coupled up with her dh if she knew where he was on that spectrum (nor do I blame her)

I agree that his sexual history is his personal information- either it’s important to someone to know how many/who their partner has slept with previously or it’s not.
it wouldn’t bother me personally, but the fact that he lied and tried to deny it is a huge red flag.

Bisexual men exist and can be monogamous and faithful.

This man chose to lie to you about being bisexual, not only by omission but also lying when asked about it directly.

He may offer some kind of explanation for lying (homophobic upbringing, thought you’d react badly etc). But he wasn’t willing or able to have an open conversation with you about who he is sexually and romantically. Even though you’re confident he hasn’t cheated on you, he has betrayed your trust.

If you decide to stay together, you will need to understand more about the past to reach a judgement about the future. Curiosity is not necessarily a fetish. Some bisexual men use sex with transwomen to explore their own identity, or because they wonder what it will be like. But some men fetishise transwomen, and a deeply held male fetish does not normally go away and can often lead to compulsive and deceitful behaviour.

Another question I would want answered: did he pay any of these transwomen - or anyone else - for sex?

Acting as in behaving (I assume). So a bi Male who behaves / presents more like a straight person than with camp characteristics.