Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

It's logical, as a transwoman is a man. So I'm not sure why you've "read it all now". Personally, if I was in that position, I'd have concerns about any long term relationship, and I don't do sex outside a committed relationship, but I can't see any reason why a straight woman couldn't find a transwoman attractive. They're not all bricks or over-sexualised dolls.

Well he's bi, and he's not going to stop being bi. That in itself doesn't necessarily mean he's more likely to cheat but it kind of doubles the criteria of people who he could fancy.

The fact he lied is the problem and I don't think you can come back from that.

Personally, as a straight woman, if I was single, I wouldn't exclude the possibility of sex with a transwoman if I found them attractive in person, and if they hadn't had surgery/hormones

What? I've read it all now!

There is no way on this planet I could be with a man that likes to shag another man, let alone shag another man who is pretending to be a girl. The whole thought repulses me.
Id be livid if he lied about this, he has essentially tricked you into believing he is someone he is not.
He clearly likes to shag men, that hasn't stopped because he is with you.

What a shock, OP. I personally don't have an issue with bi men, can still find them attractive, but I know many women can't.

What I would have a massive problem with is the hiding of his true sexuality. That's enormous and I couldn't get over that. Not even just who he's attracted to, but the dehumanising language used when talking to them in those emails, as that would be a serious incompatibility for me

Your feelings about it are valid, whatever they are. Don't let him minimise anything just because it happened before you got together.

wow, reading these messages as a bi woman who largely dated other women before settling down (monogamously) for over 15 years (so far) with my husband has been eye- opening, in terms of the comments and opinions from many who assume it’s just a matter of time before i cheat on him. Unless it’s only bi men who don’t seem to be able to exist here.

OP you have the right to choose and do whatever you want, my advice would be to take the recommendations of those who encourage a lot more dialogue before you do so,to be as informed as possible about your partners situation and give you the best possible ideas moving forward about how you feel. All the best

• We have had discussions in the past about sexuality, I have asked him outright if he has ever been attracted to men, and he answered no. That was a complete lie.

• I personally find it very very off-putting if men are sexually attracted to other men, when it comes to choosing a partner. I am more than happy for evryone to live their lives exactly how they choose, but ai do not want to go out with a man who has anal sex with other men. I feel like I was denied an option to consent.

• I ultimately don’t trust him at all: is this the bottom of the barrel of his experiences? Is it the tip of the ice berg? The on going lies and subsequent lying when confronted make me think I will never truly know

Tricky. So there's the issue he's bi, has had gay sex, and presumably not told you. This has implications around STIs and honesty in a relationship.

And there's the issue he was specifically searching up transwomen for sex. Personally, as a straight woman, if I was single, I wouldn't exclude the possibility of sex with a transwoman if I found them attractive in person, and if they hadn't had surgery/hormones. But I'd never specifically seek out a transwoman for sex because I find the ideology as a whole deeply regressive. (Could probably say the same for men with some other political/ religious beliefs too). Your partner needs to be honest about precisely why he was doing this.

Is it to do with internalised homophobia towards the part of him attracted to males? Maybe more understandable but also more chance he's really gay, not bi. Or is it a fetish for transwomen themselves? Less understandable because he's fetishising an ideology which itself fetishises and opresses women.

By his own admission he is a 'straight acting guy' so he's pretending to be straight.

Sorry but I think you’re being homophobic.

Yes he should have told you he was bisexual but I know many women who experimented with other women before settling down and would not identify as bisexual.

I know loads of women who’ve slept around before settling down too. It doesn’t make them a bad partner.

Does him being bisexual really change who he is as a person?

I would be disgusted that someone paid for sex but I wouldn’t judge them for it if it was in their past.

If you had just met him, then I would say your values don’t align and don’t pursue a relationship but you cannot judge someone on their actions from 7.5years ago when as you say they have been a great partner since you got together.

I'm a prudish woman who prefers prudish men and I chose my dh accordingly. That is a legitimate preference. I do not do kink, I don't like it.

If I found out he'd had a monogamous sexual relationship with a male friend in his early 20s (say, his housemate Dave) I'd be surprised and a bit thrown that he never told me but it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

If I found out he'd been hooking up with self styled "slags" he found on craigslist, of either sex, and possibly paying them - that would be the instant end of our relationship. Yuck, ugh.

This isn't about homophobia. It is not OK to wear down women's boundaries by calling them homophobic or biphobic or whatever, when her dh has been a total creep.

He should have married one of the many women that Butterme claims likes to do that stuff too. Only, I think not many women do, do they, which is why he had to keep it a secret to find a woman who'd have him.

This would be the end of things for me. His being unfaithful would be enough.

I'd also assume that he's closeted and using his partner as a beard.

This would be the end of things for me. His being unfaithful would be enough.

I'd also assume that he's closeted and using his partner as a beard.

On rereading your OP, you’re certain he hasn’t been with anyone but you said he’s “hooking up” with them? How can you be sure, unless it’s simply that he just hasn’t yet had the opportunity?

If that’s the case, it’s just a matter of time until he gets daring enough to take the step. And you finding out might well be that last thing that was stopping him from taking it further. So I think you need to prepare yourself to end things, because as the other poster said, this won’t stop, it will only get worse. Either you decide to live with it (I couldn’t but clearly some women do) or you leave him.