Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

If he’s having sex with men, of course he’s gay

How did he lie after

he didn’t tell her the truth to start with

Is there evidence for this? Because if we're talking heterosexual, either there are a similar number of women and men engaged in it, or men are having sex with a smaller number of women (who are more promiscuous) or women are having sex with a smaller number of men (who are more promiscuous). Unless I'm missing something.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry.

The lying is the worst of it, I agree.

Sending you my best.

I would be worried that since getting with you he has been deleting his emails looking for the hook ups-if this is what he's into it just wont disappear for 7 years

Hmm...does that mean if bisexual women date women they'll cheat with men because of the irresistible power of the penis?

Imo the issue is he's a man. Men who are bi can be happy in a relationship with a woman (or man) but some prioritise fulfilling all sexual desires and cheat - which straight men are also more likely to do than straight women .

Exactly, everyone is allowed to make an informed choice.

Most of you word have a fit if you heard how your husbands really talk down the pub or to the work colleagues.

• sadly I do think a lot of women would- and justifiably. But if we KNOW our partners talk or act in a way we don't agree with when they're not with us...do we have to stand for it?

I’m so sorry, this is a huge betrayal, personally I would never be able to trust him again, also the fact he denied it at first. Could you trial a separation to give yourself some breathing space? Also if you feel able to confide in close family and friends for support xx

We can all be generous and liberal when it’s someone else else’s relationship. How many relationships is he going to have?

• bisexual people per se aren't bound to want to have multiplle relationships or feel unfulfilled in one.

I think sex is the issue here. As in, biological sex...OP's partner is a man and they are more likely to stray anyway for sexual reasons. Him being bisexual adds an extra layer to that. It doesn't guarantee it but if he's into hookups I think that makes it more likely.

The issue at the heart of this is OP can’t handle her partners sexual past. That’s her issue and she entitled to be not ok with it but it is HER issue.

Partner has done nothing wrong. Has in OP own words been loving and caring. So all these suggestions of Std checks and child safety concerns are scaremongering of your own fear and intolerances.

so what he used filthy language. Most of you word have a fit if you heard how your husbands really talk down the pub or to the work colleagues. His language was probably non wise I imagine. If you believe otherwise you’re naive.

But did you have a fetish, and were you upfront with your husband about that past? Did you lie when asked about it?

Yeah. There is a major difference.

Too many people meet someone, realise that there's something in their past that won't sit well with their partner so they keep it too themselves because a) they're afraid their partner will leave and b) they think their partner will never find out so it will be OK. The Ops living proof that the shock of discovery and the lying that goes with it is far more damaging. I'd now feel very differently about him @ImmyNotNewHere because he had no right to take away your right to choose, you should have been allowed to make an informed choice

I slept with women before I met my husband. I love him with all my heart and I would never cheat on him. I'm astonished how many people on here can't accept that people can have A PAST?!?!

Your partner isn't gay OP, he has a fetish. A pretty grim one, which involves degradation.

Fetishes tend to cluster. Men who have one tend to have others. Usually other pretty grim ones, probably also involving degrading others or himself in some other ways associated with pretending to be women.

They're in a relationship!!! OF COURSE it's her business what her partner's sexuality is! Are you serious?

OP says partner. That's clue for not married. Otherwise she would have said DH/husband.

It's none of your business. The only slithering is from you to start with.

The same way men hide a lot of things from women for many, many years! The same way women find out after 16 years that their husband has cheated the entire relationship. The same way the family of Dennis Rader and John Wayne Gacey, both whom had wives and children, had absolutely no idea they were serial killers. Men are good at living double lives.

And the issue isn't that he's bi or homosexual, it's that he was with transwomen. Sadly, data shows that per capita they are more likely to sexually offend and per capita, to abuse children. Hence her concern. That's not being 'phobic' by the way, it's actual data.

Oh yes, I totally get that. But I made my clarification at a point in the thread when all the responses made it clear that they had read the OP as referring to current behaviour, rather than activities which predated the relationship.

She has been with him 7.5yrs and hasn’t noticed any misogynistic language or behaviour till she found these emails so maybe!

how has he hidden that language and those behaviours without her noticing for 7.5yrs

Back on topic, it's a horrible discovery to have made. As someone who has come through a devastating betrayal, it's a very hard path, and in the end it boils down to how much the relationship means to you, and whether you are prepared to take the risk of further betrayal and the pain that would cause. And if you are responsible for children, their wellbeing has to be a very important factor. Judging what is best for them may be tricky. There is a lot we don't know about even the closest people in our lives, and we take a lot on trust, so when trust is damaged we are left in a very uncertain place.

It’s very likely that the OP’s husband is a closeted gay man.

This is a deal breaker for most women. They do not wish to marry gay men.

It seems if the OP knew about this before they got together, she wouldn’t have entered a relationship with him. Never mind marrying him.

It's not just like finding out he's gay or bi though is it??. Although that would be justifiably distressing enough if you had been told he was straight.

He's not just had sex with men, he's had sex with men who pretend to be women. That is a very specific fetish, and it is fine, indeed normal, to have disgust responses to other people's fetishes that you do not share.

To find out someone who you are intimate with has indulged in a quite extreme fetish understandably rocks the trust that your intimacy is based on. I would find the thoughts of intimacy with man who likes to have sex with other men who are pretending to be women repellent.

On top of this is the withholding of this information which means your informed consent to intimacy is questionable.
You would not have consented to intimacy had you known.

Then there's the whole buying sex, or at least hook up sex culture, which I would also find repellent.

It would be very hard for me to move forward on this, and just because other people don't feel its an issue, does not mean it's wrong that you do.

Well, no, I wouldn't have a very different reaction! You do know that transwomen are not actually obliged to do any of those things, though?