Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

Thats an interesting point. I reflected on it, and ultimately I dont believe in pan. I believe in gay, straight and bi. But I think this guy is probably bi with a fetish for men dressed as women. I may be oversimplying it but that is how I see it. So I think its a sexuality thing AND a fetish. Personally I wouldn't be into either. I wouldn't date a bi man, or even want to be with a man who had dabbled with men in his past, and I certainly wouldn't be with a man who got his rocks off shagging men dressed as women. But I do agree these things are different - sexuality and fetish.

Interesting discussion.

Agreed .
You know the way it is on this though 🙄

Yes. All people have sexual preferences. And the very least you can do is be honest about them if you're committing to a marriage.

This man presented himself as heterosexual. That's a lie. He's had sex with men. So he's at least bi. These men were also transwomen. So he may also have a fetish. His wife deserved to know this information before they married. That's not an unreasonable expectation.

We know for certain many have lived as, and considered themselves to be, the opposite gender in history.

The term is new, what it refers to is not.

Transvestites (crossdressers) yes, but transgender is a recent thing.

Well I’m in agreement with the red lines you outline there. I wouldn’t be at all comfortable being with someone who was into sexual violence or cucking or scat either.

But fetishes and sexual orientation are different things. The OP’s husband has slept with transgender women. That doesn’t necessarily mean he has a fetish. He could be Pan.

We are all different though.

Yes, extensive homosexuality as the norm and evidence of trans identities dont' go back thousands of years, long before porn or anything . . .

It is her business if he is sexually attracted to her, thats the end of it. Time to grow up.

If you are a transwoman that obvioulsy implies you are male. If you are 'straight' that must mean you are naturally attracted to women. If you are a male attracted to other males then you must be either homosexual or bi-sexual. Male sexual proclivities are a minefield, exacerbated and intimately shaped by pornography and hook-up sites. And yes, I agree, Whatever he was doing, or fantasising about doing, he will still be doing.

Can you unpick what it is that makes the idea of dating a man who has sex with men so unappealing? For instance, is it the anal sex? Would it be fine if that wasn’t part of it? Is it the sense you’d be looking over your shoulder in some respect if he was out hanging out with male friends?

Obviously this is completely down to the individual, but I’d be a lot more disgusted by the lying, paying for sex, for the horrible terms used, and for finding men attractive only when they’re dressed up as (or surgically altered to look like) women.

Actually, I think the biggest issue is him hiding who he is throughout the whole marriage.

Bi people can do monogamy BTW. How many heterosexual people are exclusively attracted to their partner alone? I doubt you'd find many who haven’t found someone else hot at some point. Not acting on it is the important factor.

Totally agree.

The whole point of a board that is based on feminism is that you want to hear from , discuss with those who have a feminist outlook.

Added to which nobody makes anyone to go on all threads.

Just stick with the threads that interest you.

Sorry OP - I have no advice but think it is really positive that you have chosen to discuss this with other feminists.

I respect that, and we are all different, but for me what my partner is into does really affect me, whether they are faithful or not. If my bloke was secretly into sexual violence, or cuckholding or shitting on people and had done this with previous partners but was ok not doing it with me Id have a huge issue with that.

My ex DH of 21 years developed a fetish for cuckholding about 6 years before we got divorced. It was the beginning and the end for me. The idea of it just consumed him and he became obsessed with it and desperate for me to do it. It just ruined us (amongst other things). Real fetishes just don't go away IME

Im so so sorry OP. This happened to my daughter. She was with her male partner for ages and she was pregnant. She came to me really upset because she had found trans porn on his phone. He admitted he was really into it and aroused by it, and he couldn't explain why. She tried to bury it, but she kept catching him on sites trying to engage with transwomen as well as watch trans porn. She really just wasnt into it and was struggling. Eventually he decided he was trans and started transitioning. Again, she tried to be understanding and support him. A year later she left him and just said she couldn't get past it, and he - 5 years later - is transitioned, lives fully as a transwoman, and is married to a woman and has another child. So yeh, he could be fetishing transwomen or he could want to be one.

I agree with others though - fetishes rarely go away or are suppressed. If he was sleeping with transwomen before you he will still be into that. Are you absolutely sure he hasn't engaged? And if he says he hasnt looked at trans porn since I wouldn't believe him.

Also Im with you, I couldn't get past it at all. I would have the major ick and not be able to go back. But that would be if my fella admitted he was bi and had had sex with men before us as well. Just not for me.

If this was my husband...

I wouldn't be bothered he had slept with trans women/men before we met, as long as he had been faithful to me throughout our relationship.

I wouldn't be bothered if he was bi or pansexual, as long as he'd been faithful to me always. A straight man's head can always be turned by another woman. I find many women sexually attractive - I don't think I am entirely straight - but I would never be unfaithful.

I would, however, be BOILINGLY FURIOUS that I was only finding out about these things now, and that he lied about them.

That would be the relationship-ender for me. Not the acts themselves. The fact that he didn't tell you, and lied. I'm so sorry, OP.

I also have a 3rd thought on this which is that generally speaking, a lot of straight women like their partner to be somewhat dominant sexually. And for many (at least I gather from what I've seen here & elsewhere), the thought of their partner being penetrated by another man interferes with their perception of him sexually.
Others just don't like the thought of their partner having anal sex no matter the role (and I'd feel that way myself).

Obviously these are all deeply personal things that women are entitled to have. This is another reason why I think bi posters saying, 'Do you feel the same about bi women? Should bi women disclose to partners for these reasons?' Etc are missing some points, although I do understand how they feel

A bi woman imo should disclose to her partners. But it's fair to say while some straight men don't want a bi partner for various reasons, a lot would have no issue for various imo often sexist reasons (fetishising bisexuality, hoping for threesomes, seeing earlier lesbian relationships as experimentation and impossible to be a potential threat etc). So again, the stakes are different.

You'll never be able to have sex with him again without thinking about him with other men, will you? On that basis plus the lying, it's dead.

There's nothing wrong with any of it if you're honest about it and your partner can make an informed choice. He didn't give you that option.

Did he use filthy language? The “slut” and “slag” were how the TIMs referred to themselves.

I don’t think it’s particularly uncommon for straight men to have had some sort of gay experience and it’s no surprise they feel they need to keep it secret.

If he’s denying it, order a strapon, then when he arrives home from work tomorrow lie on the bed and order him on all fours.

You’ll soon find out the truth!

I think people need to accept that any partners they meet as adults are going to have had a past which includes behaviour they may not be proud of and which the partner may not be happy with.

I don’t think people should be judged for their behaviour before they met their current partner, as long as they are not breaking any laws or being morally reprehensible - and consensual sex is not morally reprehensible.

That said - in my experience I have never met a single man who was attracted to TIMs who wasn’t a huge red flag.

You can leave a relationship for any reason but if he’s a good dad and a good partner then I don’t see how his sexual history is relevant.

Bi men exist : there are clearly issues beyond that here. Fetishes, potentially incompatible views about sex erc

Aha, sorry I need to clarify. Men are more likely to cheat in the sense of having an affair while married. Obviously there must be a similar number of women having sex with them, but these women tend to be single (thinking of hetero couples in this instance of course.. ) so while they're participating in adultery, they're not cheating in the sense of having an affair while married - that is what men are more likely to do.

Yeah I agree. It's not the bi-ness that makes someone unfaithful. No sexuality makes you like that. It's a moral individual decision.

But yeah, I mean I personally wouldn't generally date a bi man. I don't think. But I need them to be honest if they were and then I could make an educated decision. If for some reason I felt I could in that specific case.

And I think it's probably because of the reasons you said.

I think OP feels the same so feels cheated from the start.

Well he may be bisexual. But he's not only bisexual, he's a lying bisexual with a nasty fetish.

You re-read but didn't spot she said it was from before they met, over 7.5 yrs ago?🤔