Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

I just think it's a massive secret to keep from the mother of your kids. You're not wrong to feel how you are feeling he should have told you this fetish so you could have decided if you wanted to have children with him.

I don't know how he hasn't still carried out this fetish while being with you he must have a lot of self control

This is a lot to unpack psychologically OP, I do feel for you.

From reading, as I understand it, your partner has a fetish for trans women - men who are transitioning to women. The fact that they still have a penis and he’s attracted to that suggests that he is bisexual in my opinion. Do you know that he is still attracted to you/women? That would be my concern. Some men marry or start relationships with women to conceal their true sexuality. I don’t know if that’s one of your main concerns here? Either way, I think that would be the end of my relationship- I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man who was attracted to men. That is a boundary of mine. It’s also the deception/betrayal of not sharing this with you before you got together.

And he wanted that used on him, ie receptive partner?

So the trans women he has had sex with still have a penis

I'm a bit confused here. Here's my take but happy enough for OP to say I'm totally wrong.

He went down weird porn loops at 18 and ended ups at trans porn (trans with women, not with men apparently)
Were the trans people biological males or female? Because biological males would be dressed like women with makeup etc, and possibly have breast implants and who rarely look like real women OR biological females who presented like men, usually with beards and mastectomies (no breasts). So either would be coming across as more masculine than feminine in my view.

Apparently it's the clothes they wear (?!) None of it makes sense.
Fishnets and corsets probably, or bondage type clothing. The sort of clothing some women would dress up in for sex but yours prefers men to dress up in that clothing rather than you.

I keep coming back to him liking, having, wanting men. I don't think I could live with that knowledge but I know some women wouldn't care. But that is my boundary. I'm so sorry OP, your mind is probably spinning so fast you don't know what is up or down

So he's bi, why does that put your sin at risk? Why do you think being bi, or liking sex with a trans person, makes him a child abuser? Am I missing something?

Where did I say he was cheating?

I've not read all the thread but I was going to ask what your boundaries are.

Mine would be that my partner hadn't been with other men, ever. Or were attracted to men dressing up as grotesque versions of women. Your partner has broken two of my boundaries so that would be the end of the relationship for me.

But you had asked all this and he lied straight to your face. That's the biggest deal breaker imho. He's a liar and dishonest.

Men have been 'keeping' boys for ever, even though it remains taboo in most religions.

Whatever your culture or belief system, or his prior experience, you remain two males in a relationship together My gay male friend tells me that there are lots of 'straight' men looking for men who 'identify as' women on gay hook-up sites, and he also says a surprising number of gay men like to wear female underwear.

I also know of at least one gay man who is in a relationship with someone who identifies as and presents 'as a woman'...so it is not as unusual as you suggest. The same way lots of lesbians are now in relationships with women who 'identify as' men.

I still maintain that more men are open to experimenting with other men than would like to admit it. The cross dressing element provides a cover, and has become something of a fetish for many.

@twilightermummy what an absolutely heartbreaking story. So not only was he a gay man lying and cheating on you all those years - he was a pedophile! You poor thing.

This is what upset me - the wasted years. If he'd told me at the beginning I would have said that it wasn't for me.

My situation was very similar to yours. Together 7 years, 2 children together and I had a son from a previous relationship. It wasn't until I was 5 months pregnant that I discovered he was on a gay dating website looking to hook up with somebody local. He'd accidentally not closed the webpage! I was absolutely beside myself and I felt quite alone. My family didn't like him anyway as he was abusive so, I never told anybody for many years.

Strangely enough, we had a 16 year old boy living next door to us and he would go in the garden whenever he was outside and sometimes talk for hours. So, after I discovered this, things started to click for me. When we broke up, he once collected my teen son from school without informing me. After that, I kept him well away him.

I didn't leave him btw and it just turned me into a paranoid mess with no self esteem. We've been apart for many years now and I still feel bad about myself. If you look on here, every month or so, a poor woman has had this happen to them. The deceit is beyond comprehension. The lies they tell are incredible. You can feel like you were only a beard basically.

Sorry I've rambled but I'll just disclose this. After 3 years of the first discovery, I found a secret phone in a cereal box after an alarm started going off. He'd previously told me that he had lost that phone. Anyway, when I opened it, it was full of gay porn. Whatever he says to you, please do not waste any more years on him. They lie and even if you don't think he's cheated, I'd be very surprised. Those dating sites are an eye opener. There are a lot of "straight" men on them.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

I recently listened to a podcast in which the guest, a young man, told the story of how he became convinced as a teen (by watching porn) that he was bi and then gay. He lived as a gay man for several years and was very intense about this identity. Then he fell in love with a woman and realised he wasn’t gay at all. In his case he was honest with his new partner. Unfortunately it was a deal breaker for her too and they broke up. I felt very sorry for the guy as he said porn ruined his life. I wonder if your DH has had a similar experience and has regrets and thought he could leave it behind. I don’t know how I’d feel in your situation but I think for me it would depend a lot on how he now feels about that stage of his life, which counselling may help you explore.

Havent rtft but were any post op? I would use it as an opportunity to find out what it felt like for him with a neo vag v natal vag. And did he notice the difference between a male and female frame. I would also consider him to be bisexual, not hetro. Most importantly, did he have safe sex?

Or bi.

Except in the reality the rest of us live in, gay men are not attracted to women. The only people attracted to trans women are, I'm sad to say, like the OP's partner—more specifically attracted to trans women who don't 'go all the way' with surgery.

If you're of the male sex and you are in a relationship with another person of the male sex, you are gay. And you and your husband are the embodiment of 'gay culture'. That's why it's called homosexuality (as opposed to heterosexuality). It's really very straight forward despite you trying to reimagine and redefining relationships to suit your gender ideological belief system.

The "so what" is that the language tells her something about who he is, and how he thinks. Would you say "so what" is she had found out he was messaging people using the n-word?

My DH doesn't use words like "slut" and "slag" with me, down the pub, or anywhere else. If I found out he did, he would not be the man I thought he was. Aren't we past Trump's "locker room talk" as an excuse for gross misogyny?

If you asked an Ancient Greek man about homosexuality, he wouldn’t understand what you meant. Their ideas of sexuality were different from ours.

It’s been a horrible shock for you, OP. But how much does it matter that he had bisexual relationships before you met him? He hasn’t shown signs of wanting sex with other people since you’ve been together, has he?

The trans stuff would worry me more. But again, it was long ago. And it sounds as if he wasn’t play-acting being a woman himself, just having sex with other men who were. It probably seemed a bit of exotic fun.

As for the lying, people often panic and lie when they’re cornered. He felt ashamed and embarrassed.

I wouldn’t be too bothered about it, OP. As long as he’s being honest now.

OR - just had another thought. Could the DH just be a bi man who has no fetish for transwomen - its for other reasons, such as internalised homophobia and feeling like shagging a man in a dress makes it less 'gay'? Or another reason maybe rather than it being a fetish per se?

I am the first and only trans person my husband has been with. I know the difference between straight culture and gay male culture, because I was around the gay community during transition. He has no experience with gay culture or pornography.

But you, as is the case with most users of this site, must reimagine our relationship and how we exist in the wider world to make it make sense in your cultural belief system.