Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

I think some of the responses you have received are very harsh on your partner and his sexual history. From what I’ve understood he has sex with men before you met and, since being with you he has been faithful? He has not been fair to you by not telling you this at the start of your relationship but he hasn’t cheated on you. And the arguments being made here that he must be a closeted gay man with a fetish just waiting for the opportunity to sleep with other men are being very dismissive of bisexuality. Do you think no bi-sexual person can be in a long term relationship because they will always be wanting to sleep with someone the opposite sex to the person they are with? I don’t think that is true at all.

I think that you need to talk to your partner about his sexuality and what he wants going forward. If it’s you, then you need to decide if you believe him. If he does want to explore his homosexuality then you should leave him…

Post away, I say. No-one other than the mods gets to be the arbiter of what feminist/feminist-ish/feminist-adjacent (sorry, I know 'adjacent' is a wanky term but I couldn't think of anything better) stuff is permitted to be discussed here.

For me, trust broken. He should've been open at the start for you to make a decision. I went out with someone for a few dates and he said he slept with men on occasion, not for me so stopped seeing him (and he got nasty).

Once trust is broken, I'd be questioning myself every time they went out for a few hours and I can't live like that and nor should my partner to be frank.

So sorry OP, you must feel like the rug has been pulled from under your feet. Hope you'll be ok.

I agree with this. Also he's never said he was gay and only bi. Again it's fine not to be comfortable with that, I'm not sure I would be but it's different to being gay.

It's possible to have a fetish for male transsexuals without being gay or bi. DP clearly feels embarrassed or disgusted about it, as he concealed it from OP when they met, and tried to lie about it when she found out.

A fetishist can have a happy faithful relationship, but the fetish is a complication, for sure. Its not like just being (also) attracted to men. There could be porn use that escalates or leads to something else.

Counselling by a sex therapist might help.

I can imagine it’s come as a shock. This kind, caring man that you think you know, has in the past been in contact with (and probably had sex with) males who have slut and slag in their names. Of course it paints a different picture of who he is (or was). Sorry OP.

Well at least he admits they're men!

You can end a relationship for any reason, keeping a sexuality hidden or having weird fetishes is a good one imo.

Bi, straight or whatever, if it turns you off, it turns you off.

You’re right, I missed that. If he genuinely hasn’t been with anyone since then, then it’s a question of whether he was trying out experiences and has now had enough, or whether he’s just in denial and it will likely all come out again later.

I think some sessions with a therapist would be useful to work that out.

OTOH, if the OP just has the ick and can no longer think of her partner in the same way as before, sadly that’s up to her to decide whether or not she can get past his previous experiences.

Again, though, I don’t see that this has much to do with him going for trans women specifically. Some women could feel exactly the same about him having previously been with other men, or with prostitutes. That’s her decision to reach.

Totally agree! I like the analytical responses here and have often been tempted to post less relevant threads.

Tricky. So there's the issue he's bi, has had gay sex, and presumably not told you. This has implications around STIs and honesty in a relationship.

And there's the issue he was specifically searching up transwomen for sex. Personally, as a straight woman, if I was single, I wouldn't exclude the possibility of sex with a transwoman if I found them attractive in person, and if they hadn't had surgery/hormones. But I'd never specifically seek out a transwoman for sex because I find the ideology as a whole deeply regressive. (Could probably say the same for men with some other political/ religious beliefs too). Your partner needs to be honest about precisely why he was doing this.

Is it to do with internalised homophobia towards the part of him attracted to males? Maybe more understandable but also more chance he's really gay, not bi. Or is it a fetish for transwomen themselves? Less understandable because he's fetishising an ideology which itself fetishises and opresses women.

The OP can discuss it here if she wants. Perhaps the thread police could have a bit more sympathy towards a woman who has just had the rug pulled out from underneath her.

I think people are missing that this all happened before OP and her partner got together. I wouldn’t be comfortable with it either, but lots of the responses seem to assume that it’s current behaviour/infidelity, which it isn’t.

It’s different to him having a past history with other women. That’s not what’s happening here though. As PP have said this is basically a gay man who is hooking up with female-presenting men as way of denying his true sexuality even to himself.

People on MN said a woman should accept her partner being in contact with trans women in the name of inclusivity?? I find that very hard to credit. Why would it be different to saying a woman who learns her husband is bi should accept him being in internet contact of the type you described with other men?

Thats a very different thing even from saying they should accept trans women in toilets d changing rooms - which I know there used to be a lot of. But infidelity in a couple is a different matter. You can’t possibly tell someone else they should accept that.

Make an appointment with your nearest sexual health clinic, then start planning to leave him. He’s gay and he’s trying to ‘legitimise’ his homosexuality by sleeping with men that present as women. That’s his problem to work through, not yours, because he will try to make it about you. This marriage is over, there’s no coming back from this. You need to put you and your children first. What a sleaze bag. You deserve better.

Of course it's different. Your partner hooking up with women before he met you is very different to hooking up with men and claiming to have a different security online

I agree with others that whether these men claim to identify as trans or not is a minor detail. I think Relationships is the going to be the most appropriate support.

I'm really sorry OP, what a horrible blow for you, not surprised you feel it's crumbled your world. My view is that people rarely give up fetishes like this. Plus you say some of it is vile. Being with someone like that (even if they say they've changed) would kind of eat away me knowing what he'd done. I'd have to make a clean break and leave. I'm sorry you are going through this.

But I don’t think this is the right place to discuss it. Nobody will tell you to be more inclusive just because he’s into trans women. IMO you should ask for it to be moved onto the relationship section.

So before you met then?

In that case you’re in much the same situation as finding out that he’s had previous homosexual experiences before you met, and that he’s still contacting men now.

Like I said earlier, that isn’t going to stop (because he’s still attracted by them or he wouldn’t have been in contact with men more recently) so it’s a matter of whether you want to live like that or not.

In my (vicarious) experience of infidelity, and particularly the more “taboo” versions like gay or trans, the partner finding out is a key moment in enabling the other person to indulge his fantasy more openly. I don’t know whether getting found out in a sexuality that you can’t provide for him ever leads to the person stopping. It’s out in the open now (at least between the two of you) and it can’t be put back in the box.

This would be the end of things for me. His being unfaithful would be enough.

I'd also assume that he's closeted and using his partner as a beard.