17-year-old Autistic son has started taking hormones without our knowledge or consent

I was thinking about this today at work. My suggestion about swapping meds for vitamins last night, was not the best and maybe the unfortunate product of being tired/having a tough time recently with our DS. But now with the benefit of some sleep, maybe a better alternative would be to say that if he wants you to help with appointments and prescriptions going forward, then you need to sit down and talk through the medical evidence together? Can he draw something up to show he has all the facts and has done a proper grown up risk assessment? Like "BRAN" Benefits Risks Alternatives Nothing. Because you wouldn't be doing your job as a mum if you didn't check he was fully informed and keeping healthy into the future. Ask for a copy and then maybe to build in talking points into the future, agree a monthly monitoring of height, weight, BP pulse etc and some numerical scales on mood etc. which he could decide on. Good luck

The situation is different depending on which Province you are in. I know a bit about the law in Ontario; if you are a different province then the details are quite different.

If person is capable they make their own healthcare decisions. That is a clinical judgement made by the Health Care Provider offering the treatment. You can be capable for the purposes of some decisions and not others. There are no upper or lower age limits or requirements. Capable means "able to understand the information that is relevant to making a decision about the treatment, admission, confining or personal assistance service, as the case may be, and able to appreciate the reasonably foreseeable consequences of a decision or lack of decision." Note only the "ability to" is required; whether the patient actually understands or not, is not part of the test.

If a patient is not capable then there is a descending list of alternative decision makers. Starting with a court-appointed Guardian of the Person, then the holder of a Power of Attorney for Personal Care, then someone appointed by the Consent and Capacity Board, then a spouse or common-law partner, then parents and children, siblings, other relatives, and finally the Public Guardian and Trustee.

If you think a Health Care Provider's finding that someone is capable is wrong and the person is actually incapable, you can make an application to the Consent and Capacity Board:
https://www.ccboard.on.ca/scripts/english/index.asp

With regard to what a Health Care Provider can share with you: only what the (capable) patient permits them to. But a responsible HCP should encourage a patient to allow them to share some of the details, to enable that person to be supported, even if not the full details.

If you are in Ontario, you are welcome to DM me for some more information. If you're in another province the details will be different and I can't be of much help.

@VeryWorriedMother there's a Substack here you might find useful.

https://maiapoet.substack.com/p/my-kid-came-out-as-trans-now-what?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=2848083&post_id=166127062&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=true&r=l6otf&triedRedirect=true

I think all you can do is look to support from people who have gone through this scenario. The laws of your country have to be abided to, I think a fair few people are going to miss you are in Canada.

I have only ever known one person whose child is trans, also a lad with ASD but he was a fair bit older when he started hormones at about 20. His Mothers only worry was that he would not be able to Father children but apparently he was just going to adopt. She was not gender critical.

I have a child with AuDHD.

we have been through similar.

I would advise digging in for the long run.

my dd reacts extremely emotionally to any attempt to logic or reason with her about any of this and we no longer discuss it.

extremely emotionally.

this is unlikely to be something you can reason with them about or present evidence about.

personally I just focused on keeping her alive (anxiety and self harm were also major issues) and everything else was secondary.

can report she is still alive.

I'm sorry to hear this.

Yes, it's absolutely infuriating. Our children are being failed.

But keep going! One step at a time.

💐

Remember that there are men who use the internet to look for 'eggs to crack'.

So, I have a 21 y/o Ds (no gender confusion) who is on meds for heart issues. Needs help ordering prescriptions, organising & reminder to take due to dx ASD & under ADHD. Local NHS extremely resistant to parental help. I also have an 18 y/o ASD Dd who is certain she is really a boy & very keen to go down meds/surgery route. GP very keen to support this. College (she withdrew as overwhelmed) very keen to support (a tutor actually told her 'not to worry about incontinence risks as you'll be who you were meant to be - to a kid who is semiverbal & carries a plushie around)
OP, I don't mean to 'jump on' your thread but I'm keen to also read the links. I do hope you gind a way of helping your son see that this isn't 'The Answer' to feeling different.

Agree with this - get your son off the internet and out into the real world, if at all possible.

Tte advice to swap medication is insane, incredibly dangerous and potentially criminal.

And a kid who is independent enough to go to the GP and get meds themselves will obviously notice.

Where has this idea come from? I would probably be having a look at his internet history and seeing who he is in contact with. I think before you tackle the issue you need to understand where the initial idea or interest in transitioning came from.

Placemarking.

But also, from a parent of a gifted boy who started down this path: be cautious with simply presenting facts to your child. They were not “logicked” into this, and they aren’t likely to be logicked out of it, and any such conversation could be seen as an attack. There was a discussion here about this recently:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5519763-on-the-certainty-of-the-trans-identifying-teen-guidance-for-parents

“One of the most challenging aspects for parents, teachers, and clinicians, to understand and to manage, is the absolute certainty with which many trans identifying teenagers present. It is not the tentative, exploratory uncertainty that characterises most adolescent identity questions. It is categorical, resistant to examination, and often experienced by the young person as an existential matter. To question it feels to them like a denial of their existence. To suggest alternative explanations feels like an attack. The adults around them, trying to engage carefully and honestly, frequently find that careful and honest engagement is precisely what the young person cannot tolerate.”

“The identity is managing an internal state that was, before its adoption, genuinely overwhelming. To threaten the identity is to threaten the regulatory system. The young person does not experience a parent raising questions about their gender identity as an intellectual challenge to be engaged with. They experience it as an attempt to return them to the unbearable state the identity rescued them from. The ferocity of the response is proportionate not to the strength of the argument being made against them but to the psychological function the identity is performing.”

This collection of journal articles is a bit old now, but the research is still relevant and valid:

https://mungeribabu.substack.com/p/estrogen-is-really-bad-for-men

Males taking exogenous oestrogen are 10x more likely to have an ischaemic stroke than a man who is not taking oestrogen. Likewise chances of a Venous thromboembolism (VTE) like a Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT)in the calf or a pulmonary embolus (PE) are 5x higher than those of other men who are not taking oestrogen. Either stroke or PE may lead to death.

If he’s gifted approach it from the science angle. There’s a lot of research regarding the impact of this type of medication on young minds. I’m out and about at the moment but will dig some stuff out for you if that helps. Let me know if you’re happy for me to message you directly. I’ve been through similar with a slightly older son.

Also, inevitably as this is such a hot button issue its hard to talk about. Plenty on this thread demonstrating the tendency for tantrums and personal attack for non believers.

You will need to find a way past all that so that you can communicate with your son. Active listening, always.

Aha parenting has lots of good advice on that topic.

https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/guide/teenagers

OP, you have had some good advice re your son.

Mine is to actually also take the time to care for your own needs. This is a lot of stress and heartache, and sounds like it has been for a long time.

Have you a good support netwrok? Coping strategies?

Sending you all my best.

He won’t open up to you because of your views.

'Bodily autonomy' doesn't confer the ability to fly.

Well, if that random thought makes you happy, I suppose.

Sympathies, OP. I wouldn't be rushing to pick up that prescription, let's say. Even antibiotics have had bizarre effects on my child's mood, and autistic teens don't tend to cope well with discomfort.