'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

You’ve misunderstood me.

What I mean is that I want to have a family. My ‘autumnal years’ are probably now; I’m in my mid forties. What I meant was very simple; I wanted children, I wanted a family. I didn’t have children to have babies and toddlers but to have that family.

I don’t really know why this apparently means I expect their lives to revolve around mine; I don’t and indeed don’t expect or want them to. Time will tell; my own parents are long dead and I may well also be by the time my children are young adults. But I will love them forever. Hopefully that’s an acceptable reason. If it isn’t, I don’t really give a hoot.

I find ‘where is the dad? Are you a single parent?’ questions so, so tiresome. It seems to assume that most parents are living it up, life is as normal except they are taking it in turns to indulge hobbies and get peace and read books, s’no big deal, right?

Usually the answer in my case is ‘at work.’ DH is generally away in the kids’ waking hours for three days a week (Tuesday - Thursday) leaving the house around 7am and back at around 7pm. I'm either at work or I have responsibility for the children and any time I have to myself is brief and generally spent rushing around on a deadline because I've got to get back to relieve DH. So for instance on Thursday afternoon, I had a rare few hours to myself to get my hair done but once it’s done that is it, it’s back home.

The freedom to just decide I'm off to do something has gone. The things I previously got joy from doing aren't enjoyable with children and I can't justify getting childcare to do them.

That isn’t to say it’s a regret, but it is an observation and it’s one I’m allowed to make. Incidentally, that freedom would be more or less back now; I say more or less because of course once you have a child you can’t just completely live life with gay abandon but ds isn’t much trouble on his own. When you add his two year old sister into the mix life is incredibly restrictive.

I often think the ‘no one talks about …’ tropes are nonsense; they are generally what everyone talks about, but I genuinely think no one talks about how with very little children you do lose the ability to do anything that isn’t specifically aimed at them for a few years, or perhaps some people don’t but with very different toddlers to mine. For a period of around a year I just couldn’t go into the shopping centre with my ds because it is peppered with those toy cars you pay to have a go on and I certainly don’t begrudge him a go but he’d want to go on every single one and have an almighty tantrum when forced off out of necessity.

I don’t even try to do anything ‘adult’ unless it is clearly booked in advance and designed to be so, eg hair appointment, night out with friends etc. But this is a small handful of times a year and the rest of the time I am trapped in preschool world: playgroups and parks, soft play and swimming, ducks and dinosaurs.

I am trying to stay factual here as this isn’t a complaint, it’s trying to be honest and explain what life with children, especially multiple children, is like. At one point it really was awful here and DH and I just used to split up because we used spend the entire time with both of them screaming, winding one another up, taking toys off the other and arguing. Since the start of the year it seemed to be improving but we’ve had a bit of a setback this week so maybe not.

My DS sleeps through no trouble. DD wakes up usually at least twice so I never get uninterrupted sleep so I am always tired, and have to go to bed early as the night will be up and down, down and up.

It probably all sounds a bit bleak and it isn’t but I’m more realistic now. My current life is

Monday - up at half six, ds comes in for a cuddle when he wakes, listens to his Tonie box while I shower and dress. DD then wakes, usually when I’m just out of the shower and dripping wet. I somehow manage to get myself and her ready and after an invariable tantrum because she doesn’t want to leave her dad or brother I take her to nursery and then go on to work myself, she usually stops screaming the car halfway to nursery.

I teach, so the MN myth of a day sipping hot tea and having uninterrupted toilet breaks doesn’t happen. I am teaching solid 840-11, in different classrooms on different floors (you lose a lot of perks when part time) then break duty, then teaching again 1120-1220. I do have a PPA (free period) 1220-1320 and I spend that catching my breath, doing admin tasks like putting homework sanctions and positives on, marks on the tracker, calling parents, I do get to pee alone in this period. Then teaching again 2-3. I leave work around 340, get DD from nursery at quarter to four to get home for four-ish. Ds is often playing outside if the weather is OK. It’s far more of a pain when it’s winter, or raining because he’s inside and restless and bored and makes an indescribable mess in the time it takes me to get home. I make dinner, serve dinner (fending off numerous ‘MUMMY’ and sobs about stubbed toes and wails about wanting to watch this on TV not that. Then after dinner DS has his shower and pyjamas and goes downstairs for some TV time, while DD has her bath and stories, then DS comes up for his reading and stories. They are both finally in bed maybe 745. I then have just over an hour for my own dinner and doomscrolling before I go to bed.

The next three days are easier in a way as I’m not in work and so can be a bit more chilled, however I have to feed and entertain DD myself, so breakfast, I always get at least one child coming in the bathroom while I attempt to shower and dress, get the children ready and take DS to school. DD and I generally go to a group or activity in the morning then home for lunch. She doesn’t generally nap in the day now. A few months ago she would nap for around 90 minutes after lunch, until 2ish and that was great, but those days are gone. She’ll often play in the garden but she’ll need me there, or she’ll do some puzzles with me or I might persuade her to read the same two books (we have a house of stories and DD will only currently read two.) We go to get DS at around 3, home for around 330. This is where life is starting to get a bit easier as they will entertain one another outside a bit although it’s still peppered with screams as one upsets the other. Dinner at 5, same routine: ds up for shower, then dd up for bath and books (Mog and the Baby and Bear Hunt, every single night, I am so sick of these books!) then ds then my ‘hour’ 😅 At some point after dd is asleep and ds is in his bed with me reading DH comes in, unless he is away.

Then Friday is as Monday except no break duty and no lunch as I have PPA last period so I have to do a lunch duty. I lost it completely last week as there was a fire alarm. I was most fucked off. (I know, we don’t technically ‘have’ to do lunch duty but like a lot of things in teaching there’s voluntary and ‘voluntary.’)

And then it is the weekend; two days of rest except not really because that isn’t realistic with little children, especially aged four and under. DD has a little dance class Saturday mornings; DS has swimming (DDs swimming is on Thursdays) the rest of the time might be a family trip somewhere like a national trust place or a farm or a park or something. And there are lovely moments but they are moments and a lot of it is very tiring, especially on broken sleep and near constant demands and talk. My ds will get stuck on a phrase and repeat it for what feels like forever; this morning he wanted to tell me he had seen a blackbird (we’ve been reading Follow the Swallow if anyone knows it; makes a change from Mog and the bloody baby anyway!) which was very cute but what he wanted to say was just mummy there’s a girl blackbird like Rowena. What he actually said was mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy there’s, there’s, mummy there’s, mummy, there’s a bird, mummy, mummy there’s, there’s, there’s, a bird, a bird mummy that’s, mummy that birds, mummy, that’s a brown, it’s, it’s, mummy that birds brown like, like, a bird like Rowena. Meanwhile my hair is growing. That’s actually fine but he was alone with me; if DD had been there he’d never have got that out. And it took me a while to understand him too so interspersed with lots of sorry and excuse mes and pardons.

I am hoping it will get easier when DD is around three and a half; I do remember that being a turning point in many ways. And of course she will be at school when she’s four and while that’s easier in a way that’s also kind of it and I wish I’d enjoyed these days more. But I am carrying a heavy load and I wish that voicing that didn’t bring criticism to me.

Firstly I am sorry you are finding it so tough. Secondly I don't rhink anyone is suggesting parenting a high needs toddler is easy. Thirdly are you a single parent ? Where is the other parent while you are getting no peace ?

Yes, I'm finding these posters extremely dismissive and tiresome

Is it so hard to accept that different people have different experiences, hobbies and things that energise or fulfil them? Some of which are hard to engage with fully post children?

I don't regret my child, but I am struggling massively as an introvert who loves getting stuck into deep and focused tasks with constantly being interrupted and never having any solitude.

Almost every hour is spent serving other people and not being able to fill my own cup - she is a terrible sleeper so for my sanity we cosleep but this means early nights and not being able to engage in my hobbies. (Having read up on different sleep training options, it's also not something I want to change up so understand this is a rod I've made for my own back in the short term but believe it will have the best longterm outcome)

Every time I sit at my piano to play she fusses. If I try and silently read my own book while she is playing on the floor she fusses. She is a terrible sleeper, had horrible colic as a newborn. She hated all the baby classes, kicks up a fuss in her car seat. She is not an easy baby, she was born this way. Others who have met her agree that this is just her nature rather than poor parenting.

It's really frustrating to read a bunch of posts about reframing perspectives or playing semantics when at the core of it, some mums just struggle and some babies are harder work than others.

And no, it's not that I didn't understand that children can be hard. I'd had years of teaching, babysitting and interacting with kids under my belt before having my kid. I didn't go into it lightly. I read books on parenting, watched shows, engaged in all the advice I could. I guess I naively believed that there is a (non damaging) solution to any parenting problem, and sometimes there just isn't, or at least not in that moment and you just have to wait it out (for developmentally normal behaviours).

It's not a character flaw to not enjoy spending hours doing tedious and repetitive tasks with your toddler and to have occasional (or even persistent) feelings of regret. Can we at least have a bit of a whinge about it without someone prattling on about reframing their bloody perspective and seeing the cup as half full?

That sounds really hard, I'm sorry.

Isn't this maybe to some extent more related to the lack of support for single parents/increasing lack of village? Parenting 2 children alone is a different level of on call, to parenting with a supportive partner and/or with grandparents/siblings/friends nearby etc who can offer support.

That sounds like a good idea. Workplaces need to accommodate biology.

I used to regret having children. There have been many threads on this topic on MN over the years. This one surprised me, only cause I realised I didn’t anymore. They are teens now and genuinely quite lovely people to be around.

And of course I love them, and as someone said I think part of my problem was having a second. But…I think if I could have really known what it was like to have children (which you can’t really), if I could go back and advise my late 20s self, then I probably wouldn’t have.

It is definitely about who I chose to have them with (now divorced- but I’ve settled them with him bent their father). But also my career hasn’t gone as far as I’d have liked, and the travel. I wish I had been able to travel more.

And I wasn’t as cut out for it as I thought I would be. One dc is autistic and has taken a lot (out of school for 18months, EHCP tribunals, serious anxiety). And the other missed out because of the sibling. They don’t really get on, we’ve attempted some holidays, without much luck. I often get very jealous of other families doing stuff together, travelling together.

But I’m in a much better better place than I was. They are great humans, despite my shit parenting.

Perhaps reasonable accommodations similar to what is provided for in Menopause policies currently, that would reflect the needs of mothers during Matrescence ; fast tracking after an agreed period that again, stretches beyond maternity leave. Any measure that accounts for the biological inflexiblity of mothering rather than framing everything as 'choice'.

I think that is very debatable. Not having children also closes many choices.

I mean either path is its own thing and stuffed with variables. And we can never know what would or might have been.

Yes, but motherhood closes more choices than most other decisions...

Well they are temporary. But sure, sometimes children constrain choice, and it can be hard.

I'm minded of.Oliver Burkeman's writing on the closing down of possibilities, which happens with every choice we make and as we age.

That sounds a difficult situation. I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope it eases soon.

I don’t understand the repeated “but what is it exactly?” questioning of posters who say they feel constrained or feel a lack of freedom. Surely it isn’t hard to fathom that yes, everyone is bound by rules and constrained in some way, but children add an extra layer to this? Someone who wants to go on holiday has to book leave, for example, but you can’t just go solo rock climbing with small children or go at the drop of a hat if your kids are in school.

And even if those constrictions seem inconsequential and/or temporary to some, it’s surely understandable that to others they are not seen or felt like that?

Is there something specific you feel unable to do because of children?

Yes, many things because I'm on call 24/7. The most specific thing that is hard to do is relax. I'm a single mother and both my children are very challenging and don't get on. My peace is severely compromised.

In what areas would you say you feel most constrained/stifled in?

Also, if your kids are 19 or so, surely they won't be super constraining for much longer?

I agree re circumstances. I think personally my motherhood opinions are affected by my own mother having a pretty easy experience with me in the early years : she didn't have a partner but we lived with my grandmother, who was happy to pitch in quite a lot, I was a quiet baby and as a small child my mother could let me play with soft toys, or later on, read, nearby, while she had some time to herself. Whereas many other children will have difficulty sleeping, will want to entertain themselves in noisier ways etc and that can't be controlled or predicted so much as rolled with, often.

i think there is a difference between having a wobble and thinking ‘goodness this toddler phase is so hard I’m questioning if I should have even had children in the first place’ and a sustained lifelong feeling of regret at the existence of your children. The best you get on any forum is a snapshot. They might write about their newborn non-sleeper or terrible two year old with what sounds like real regret. What you don’t see is that a few years later that child is in school, the mum is getting to go out and live life a bit more and suddenly motherhood feels way more joyful.

plus I really think a lot of it is circumstantial. I am happily married with a hands on partner. I have two children who are for the most part a total joy. We have enough money to be able to live, buy in help when we need it, we have a village, we go on holiday. So circumstantially we are in the best position for me to be able to enjoy motherhood. Some people have a hugely different experience because their circumstances are different. It’s not the children or motherhood per se.

' Freedom is doing what you want and being able to change your circumstances if they don't suit.

I'm 19 years in and still feel constrained'

But we all have many constraints, in life. And we can't always change them. I'm constrained by my children, my health, finances, geopolitics, UK law, my beliefs, geography, ability, etc. This is the nature of being alive.

Is there something specific you feel unable to do because of children?

"Exactly. And having children, especially if you're having 1-2 (which is common now), shouldn't mean the possibility of travel, evenings out etc is fully closed off for years & years."
Show quote history

"So true. It's actually not that long before you can start to do what you like a bit."

While evenings/days out might still be possible, when you can do these things is pretty constrained for most mothers. To me, this doesn't equal freedom. Freedom is doing what you want and being able to change your circumstances if they don't suit.

I'm 19 years in and still feel constrained, but maybe I was born under a wandering star...

There is also the issue of feeling stifled by family life. I know that not everyone feels this.

one thing that puzzles me why do some people presume parenting is like the book version ?

I mean mothers need support and help and understanding and someone to listen, and the fabled village and feminist awareness and time and so on. Especially when children are tiny or have additional needs or if they are single mothers or have other caring obligations or needs or are in poverty etc.

But childhood is a phase and it changes and it passes. In retrospect, quite quickly, although it doesnt feel that way at the time.

What do you mean, not a phase? Childhood is a phase.

Oh god I wanted and then completely regretted mine for the first two years, he was absolute hell. I remember lying down in a soft play area completely exhausted as it was somewhere he could play safely without me having to watch for 5 minutes.

DS knows he was a difficult baby but that he was a wonderful preschooler and an adored child and teen. I'd never say to him that I regretted him. Kids take a lot of time and effort, they completely up end your life, I'm not at all surprised there are people who regret having them.

Maybe, but my Mother told me if she had a choice she wouldn't have kids again . I survived it and it helped in my understanding that it's not all roses.

But what about the muns that cannot find a way to square the circle and make their peace with the losses and the gains? What if it isn’t just a phase and they cannot really walk away?