'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

I find it hard when people say “accept of course for SEND children.” But I can’t put that to one side. My autistic dc has so many needs that have meant I still really move forward with my career (which I find far more fulfilling than motherhood- and I’m much better at it!). Her needs limit us all and what we can do. Even at 13 I am not as free as a mother of a non SEND 13 yr old.

My highest regret in that regard is that I brought her into a world so at odds with what she needs, she has such extreme anxiety and worry that I cannot fix. It seems cruel to have had her. And my other ex has missed so much of his childhood as I struggled to manage them both, and her needs. Not her fault at all but she took so much of my time and attention. He definitely is bitter about that, and I’ve never really got him to accept some of her needs.

I hope I wasn’t doing that. Just maybe offering some hope to those at the coal face?! Honestly whatever you say it seems someone is offended.

Or, those with experience are trying to offer some understanding coupled with reassurance and perspective?

It feels like a trap - true. It is a trap - that is an assertion I will challenge.

Everybody needs to vent and needs support, sometimes.

Lots of people here are saying it is a trap, you have no choice, it will pass once they grow up, etc.
We are overlooking, or not wanting to look, at the choice some mothers do make: the choice to leave.
Either leaving for good and vanishing, or doing a "Disney mum" and seeing their DC every other weekend whilst they live with their dad.

Every mother has the choice to leave.
Even mothers with severely disabled DC, or single parents can take that choice - but there is an almighty battle to be had with social services first, to get the children taken away.
Or there is the choice to risk being charged with abandonment and prosecuted - it is still a choice that can be made if the alternative feels worse.
But it is easier to say "I have no choice".

This is the huge taboo.
This is what we gasp in horror at, can't bear to think about.
This is what we abhor in women, and denounce and vilify women for - leaving their children.

I find the contrast with society's attitude to men who leave to be sickening.

It is deemed unforgivable for a mother to tell her child, or to demonstrate by her actions, that she regrets having them. But fathers do it with barely a murmur of disapproval.

But the article is about women who regret having children. What about the ones for whom it isn't a phase? Are their experiences not to be listened to?

You only have to be good enough.

Even if it is a phase, and I think it has to be by definition as time passes and children grow and develop, it leaves a mark on you.

Years of chronic stress and sleep deprivation is well known to cause health problems and maybe even PTSD. Playing the role of 'mum' so much that you eventually lose yourself if you aren't conscious of it.

And it's not like you have nothing to do once they are 8 or 9. You are still tied down domestically, and many find the teenage years horrendous.

And it's largely thankless.

It seems a middle class ideal with enough money and resources, and reasonably compliant children, is held up as the standard, on here at least. But it's so often not like that.

Only when you are safely through it you realise it’s just a phase.

That said it’s bloody exhausting I live next to the primary school and though those years were so happy I cannot put into words how relieved I am to have the freedom I have now and I didn’t have in those years. No judgement but those threads / celebrities who have another child when their older ones are 8 plus I just cannot fathom why the hell they would do that.

@FoxRedPuppy it is hard: no easy answers. I’m off today because one has a fever and it’s my eldest so actually this is quite a ‘chilled’ day but even so I feel guilty he’s watching Spidey as I’m on here.

I don’t regret but I have more times than I like to admit had this voice that just won’t go away about it being a mistake to have two. I don’t look at one and wish they didn’t exist, it’s just now I am relaxed and I can still dedicate time to ds. Dd is harder when it’s just us because she’s only two but still … I think while I have the same love for them both I don’t have the same time, same energy or finances and unfortunately that’s hard to get around. My friends almost all have one child and the calmness of their lives compared to mine is notable. That said, they almost all work full time so I wouldn’t swap with them.

I just wish I could be as good a mum to two as I am to one.

We don’t have the thirty hours is why 😅 DS is in school but on Mondays and Fridays DH collects him (and takes him in.) I am pretty much solo on my days off but how many parents both work part time and have the same days off? I don’t mean that in a belligerent sort of way, just pointing out that unless you’re independently wealthy or you have a lot of family nearby probably most parents who are part time are alone in the week as the other parent is at work.

I probably am going to try to get DD into nursery for an extra day from September; that will make a big difference and then after that she’ll be at school so I’ll have even more time. I do recognise this but equally right now I don’t have the freedom to just do this or that and when that’s been life for years and you’re tired anyway it is possible to lose sight of the fact it’s a phase.

@Revoltingpheasants i read your post twice as it was so familiar to me- I was also a teacher! When mine were your age I wasn’t so stoical about the experience. I definitely regretted it and sometimes used to fantasise about running away. But as I said without me realising it has changed.

My two have never been best pals, and they still don’t get on well at 13 and 16. I spend a lot of time with them separately (which is easier as one can be left).

What I didn’t mention in my original post was that now I’m divorced I do 50:50 co-parenting and I do think that has helped a lot. I get to be me for half the week. I have a DP and we go away for the weekends they are with their dad, I definitely don’t feel as trapped. And I can do more simply because they are older and can cook a simple meal, stay in the house on their own if needed (I’m not abandoning the overnight!).

But I also feel horrible guilt over the divorce. That they’ve had to adapt, that they have two houses etc. It really eats at me sometimes. And yes I chose a completely unsuitable partner, who did very little until we divorced. And MN can be very judgy about that, but what are you supposed to do once the children are here?

Interesting discussion. Actually having children for us has had the opposite effect longer term. Yes when they are tiny it’s very restricting of course but as long as you stick at 2 relatively close together it’s a few years. In addition to the joy of having them they have introduced us to so much . We have an entire network of brilliant local friendships through them. We have done numerous things we would not have thought to do because they have wanted to. Now they are late teens they are brilliant company. I had a more fun day in London with dd2 recently than I would have had with a friend.

Also it’s not necessarily having children that affects your life - much of it is aging and would happen anyway whether you have children or not.

When my two youngest were about 5 & 6 yrs old - I made two solo trips; one to Sorrento/Naples/Pompei and another for a week in Sicily. I really enjoy solo travel, and even now that the children have grown up and have children of their own - once a year I do a solo weekend city break somewhere in the UK. Obviously being able to make solo trips depends on having support from either your partner or your own parents/family.

Personally, I've never been a party person or that interested in going out in the evening ( other than when away on holiday) and being home based is far more to my liking. My son lives in Barcelona and he and his wife are used to a very sociable lifestyle, though now they have a young baby they still manage to get out to meet up with friends and go to wine bars and restaurants, even if they leave for home earlier than before. Spain is far more set up to be accommodating to children and families.

The area of Rome we stay in when we visit is very much a family neighbourhood, There is a central piazza with a playground and in the evening it is packed out with families and the surrounding bars and restaurants do a thriving trade with buffet suppers and pizza.

From Jessie Buckley's Oscar acceptance speech last night (a mother, playing a mother, in Hamnet):

I would like to dedicate this to the beautiful chaos of a mother’s heart.
❤

It does sound like you are doing it pretty much single handed tues-thurs at least. It isn't clear if your older child ? DS is at school you talk about him being home when you get in, also you don't seem to be using your full 30 hrs - 2 days 8-4 ish ? When I returned to work after DS (DC1) my childminder encouraged me to give him to her when I wasn't working. I would recommend trying even just to get 4 hours a week childfree.

So how do you explain the article of women who say they regret children?

An ex colleague of mine said a similar thing once, that she loved her children but if she had her time again she’d make the choice not to have them. I’ve seen threads on MN saying the same. Clearly for some it’s not just a phase, it’s a lifetime of wishing you’d made a different choice. Why isn’t that accepted? Why the determination to convince that no one regrets children?

I have never wanted kids, nor has anyone ever commented about me not having kids (apart from a male misogynist colleague who muttered barren at me in a pub when in his cups. I have no idea whether I am barren or not, it has never been tested, but in his head no kids = barren). So I have felt no pressure.

I think women who have kids who are expected to also work full time have set themselves up for a life of drudgery and I that is even with a collaborative partner. I am sure for some the benefits outweigh the negatives but on the outside looking in, it looks like a millstone round your neck for life.

Plus this country and the world is so fucked up at the moment, it is doubly stressful.

There are posters saying repeatedly “it will pass” but what if it doesn’t? Trying to reason people out of their feelings is… annoying.

I think with the exception of having children with disabilities, it always passes. Of course you're a mother for life but when the kids are in their 30s (say) there's not much restriction of freedom is there? Once you control for work and finances

Yes, it is annoying to hear but everyone says it because it's true. It's all a phase.

Dh and I were in a pizza place once when dc1 was a toddler, (it was called Mamma Dough) and I can't remember why but we got talking to another family with teens. The mum was giving us anecdotes about her teens as toddlers and finished up with "and remember however hard it gets, it's only ever a phase" and now that woman is called Mamma Dough when we remind each other about it.

Another funny thing... I was once in an uber and got chatting to the driver (a dad) and my dc1 was about 6 months at the time, not in the car. I was saying how hard it was that dc1 couldn't talk yet, "I wish she could talk so I know what she wants". He said "just wait, soon she'll be able to talk, then you'll know what she wants!!" I didn't get it but that's toddlers summed up in a nutshell lol. Aaargh blue cup!

I guess my point, if I have one, is similar to what a pp said which is that it's a clichéd truism because it's true. It's just a phase. Hopefully the next phase will be better but sometimes worse

I mean - feeling regret for becoming a mother. Some women, per the article we are discussing, feel regret for the long term, perhaps forever, not just when dealing with 2 under 2 or whatever.

There are posters saying repeatedly “it will pass” but what if it doesn’t? Trying to reason people out of their feelings is… annoying.

I dont mean to be dismissive. It is sometimes very fucking hard, I doubt anyone denies that. But it will change.

We have some posters/the OP article arguing that once one is a mother that is it, its a trap, you cant escape. Logic and my pedantry suggest this is not a hard fact. Children grow, circumstances change, we age.

Mothers in the trenches of the early years have my sympathy. The days feel endless, I know. They aren't.

@Revoltingpheasants if it’s any consolation, your days sound really familiar at the moment. I agree with you about just having to revolve things around the kids. When people say ‘you could still go abroad on holiday’ I briefly think maybe but the types of holiday we used to enjoy involved lots of travelling around and sight seeing, not just chilling by a pool, and I’m not sure the stress of the journey would be worth it. We stuck with Haven last year on the basis there was lots to keep kids entertained and if the toddler is happy then that means we have something approaching a rest (rest here meaning ‘can drink a coffee while she watches the entertainment for 30 mins!’).

And I remember a younger childfree colleague saying to me and another, both of whom had under 3s ‘gosh what a week for us all, at least it’s the weekend soon’ and me and the colleague looking at each other sharing the same thought that actually the highly stressful week at work was probably more restful than the weekend would be.

Yesterday all I aimed for for Mother’s Day was a walk at a national trust place. I thought it should be achievable. But it was a disaster. The baby was uncomfortable in the carrier because weaning is taking some adjustment for his digestion, and the 3 year old was tired after swimming in the morning and a poor night’s sleep and so kept stopping and sitting down and being dramatic and having tantrums. It was crap.

On another day the walk may have been nice. But when it’s rubbish, it’s really rubbish. Compounded of course by strangers judging your awfully behaved child (she isn’t normally) or parenting.

I think I just wanted to say solidarity really. It’s tough and it’s a merry go round of tough and also good bits, but it’s the sheer relentlessness of it I could never really have grasped pre-children. I love them to bits and I do actually love being a mum but there are moments when it’s just too tough.

Certainly nowadays a woman would have to be living under a rock not to constantly be bombarded with all the negatives of parenthood.

There are many negatives and many positives, and so many variables that every woman's experience is different. I was one of those women who knew I wasn't cut out for motherhood and planned never to have children; then I accidentally fell pregnant, and what do you know, being a mother has been the most rewarding and happy part of my life. What can other women conclude from my story? Absolutely nothing. They're not me.

@Carla786 well, he does, but it’s always going to be limited because well … it is, isn’t it? I mean, he can’t regularly take time off in the week and how much of a ‘break’ is two hours spent rushing from A to B to get C done? That sounds probably negative and isn’t meant to, it’s just reality.

It’s interesting you say it ‘sounds difficult’ as it’s just life, it’s just how things are . Time will tell how things transpire. I can’t really relate to posts on here that say ‘well we can travel, why, a night out is easy’ but perhaps that’s because I do have a two year old in the mix. My instinctive response to the idea of ‘travelling’ is along the lines of ‘no fucking way’; my DD won’t even eat the food I make her never mind tasting the culinary delights of Mexico, Poland or whichever location takes your fancy! But I am not a big traveller and am happy with a few days in Center Parcs or a week in a Welsh holiday cottage.

It could well be that in two years, when DD is approaching five and DS is seven I shall re read this thread and reassure myself it did all work out, I slept again, I could develop my interests and this was all just a phase. I don’t even think I have a particularly difficult or tough time of things. I’m very lucky to only work minimal hours and have the rest of the time with the children, we have a lovely home, we have a nice life in a lot of ways but it does absolutely revolve around children and their needs and wants. This will hopefully shift and change but it doesn’t stop it being extremely draining in the thick of it.

This sounds incredibly difficult. 💐 If I can ask one thing (I understand if not), you say that you can't justify getting paid childcare. However, could your DH not take care of the children, while you do something else to give you a break? Is there any other family member/friend who could help out?
I know this isn't the case very often, and makes it much harder...