'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

That’s partly how it’s a trap, once you have a child you can’t undo that decision. So potentially live the rest of your life with regret. That is what is so hard I think. You are stuck with the consequences of a decision and there is no way to change that.

And sometimes that is about having a second child, rather than any children. My oldest dc life would have been infinitely better if he was an only.

I think the worst thing is when you do express it people suggest getting a babysitter for a few hours, taking up a hobby. It doesn’t really fix it. You can be a bit more free for a few hours, but you still have that responsibility. You can’t be spontaneous, you can’t get a babysitter for months so you can travel, or take a new job abroad/other end of country.

In the psyche and in the collective psyche - in all periods of time, in all cultures and societies......the mother- child bond is central. 'The Mother' and 'Home' are synonymous and represent the very foundations of one's life. Even if an individual rejects that...on some level it still plays out in the emotional/psychic life of all involved. This is why people are far more judgmental about mothers than about fathers - though, of course, absent fathers also leave their mark - especially for boys.

It can be possible to contain one's feelings ( not the same as represing them). They don't have to be splurged everywhere and over everyone. Feelings by their nature mostly pass and are fluid. They can be released through talking with your partner or your close friends, for example. And how we express our feelings is important too. Words can be toxic and unnecessarily damaging if they are expressed with malice.

If you have long term persistent negative feelings about something or a situation then it would be wise to try to do something to resolve or alleviate that...because persistent negative feelings point to a deeper condition or need that is not being met.But simply throwing things over doesn't really alleviate or change anything in the long run; it just tends to replace one set of conditions with a novel new set of conditions....which in time will serve up its own set of contradictions and frustrations.

Is that true for every woman who becomes a mother though? Regret and child abandonment would suggest not.

Somehow there seems to be something a lot more primal about the mother - child bond...for obvious reasons. I don't think it is misogyny to recognise that.

Hopefully the child's father won't tell her her mother didn't love or want her. That would be quietly devastating.

I was thinking of total abandonment, as in the scenario OtterlyAstounding outlined, not being a weekend mum. I'm sorry, I can see it wasn't fully clear.

I still think a parent decamping to become a weekend parent is very wrong, whether they're a mother or father.

Double standards that condemn women but let men off are totally wrong. That doesn't mean that the behaviour they criticise is OK, though.

It's a coldren of cognitive dissonance.

Cauldron, sorry!

Why should it be a LAST RESPORT to do what the OP described and for mothers to see their kids every other weekend? This is what Dads do all the time and they’re never shamed over it.

Yes, and you must keep silent about your suffering so you don't offend or harm others. Who does the silent martyrdom benefit?

It's a coldren of cognitive dissonance.

What’s wrong with a mother seeing their kids every other weekend? No one thinks my Dad was a “monster” for doing this so why the misogyny?

I think it’s a trap in the sense that I knew it would be hard, but I had been sold the idea that the joys outweighed the downsides. That it would’ve so monumentally transformative as an experience that it was worth the drudge. I didn’t know that I would frequently fantasise about crashing the car so I could have a break in hospital, for example. That I would dream of just walking out and going somewhere on my own.

And a trap as in once you’ve done it you can’t go back.

Everyone saying just be good enough, but yet I feel constant guilt about what I haven’t done for them, or if my parenting style has impacted them negatively.

I do think objectively speaking I would have been much happier and had much more fulfilling life if I hadn’t have had children. Although that isn’t the same as regret.

Im never sure what people mean when they say parenting is fulfilling. It mostly seems to be about breaking up pointless arguments, been talked at about Minecraft (or other dull subjects) and endlessly deciding what other people will eat.

Yes, exactly. In Billy Connolly's case he was treated pretty badly by his aunt, and sexually & physically abused by his father.
He himself has said he doesn't resent her decision, it certainly sounds like a horrible situation for a woman in her late teens/early 20s to raise a child in : bathed in the kitchen sink, and there was no hot water.[16]

Connolly was born to Catholic parents, William Connolly and Mary McLean, both of whom were of partly Irish descent.[17] In 1946, when he was four years old, Connolly's mother left her children while their father was serving as an engineer in the Royal Air Force in Burma.[16] "I've never felt abandoned by her," Connolly explained in 2009.[18] "My mother was a teenager. My father was in Burma, fighting a bloody war. The Germans were dropping all sorts of crap on the town. We lived at the docks, so that's where all the bombs were happening. She was a teenager with two kids in a slum. A guy comes along and says, 'I love you. Come with me.' Given the choice, I think I'd have gone with him. It looks as though it might all end next Wednesday, from where you're standing. I don't have an ounce of feelings that she abandoned me. She tried to survive."[18]

As far as I remember, yes she was. She didn't want a child but her husband did and she was told all the usual stuff about 'You'll love them when they're here'. She didn't. She has no contact as far as I'm aware, and the child is brought up by the father.

I don't get the impression she regrets it at all, rather she feels she did the best for everyone.

She must have been both deeply unhappy, but also happy enough that the father would take good enough care of their child? Has she cut off all contact?

Women in dire circumstances walk out....but I suspect they must also spend the rest of their lives regretting that too; or must certainly live with deeply ambiguous and conflicted feelings.

I absolutely agree. Which is where the idea of 'informed decisions' comes in - so often people are told 'It will be the making of you' or 'You love a child when they arrive' and it's just assumed it will all work out in the end. Maybe it would be better if we (as a society) were honest and hear those who genuinely and permanently regret having children so it's something people are sure they want to do it, and are going in with their eyes open to the potential harder realities, before they commit to that responsibility?

That sounds a bit like the plot of Elena Ferrante's The Lost Daughter. Different setting etc but the situation the protagonist is in fits a lot of what we've been discussing.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lost_Daughter_(novel)

Right...

But that has to be a very last resort. For fathers too, not just mothers. Ultimately, if people have chosen to have children then, awful as it can be, they have taken the responsibility on for (initially at least) small helpless humans. That has to be maintained however possible.

I would caveat that I can fully understand mothers who have children with extremely high needs, especially those with no prospect of improvement, using respite care, or maybe permanent care outside the home. I'm not classifying that as 'abandonment'.

Yes, and someone I know did this. She took the view that her child was better off without a parent who regretted and resented her. She started a new life elsewhere.

I think it probably used to happen more in times when people could just 'disappear'. I remember reading in Billy Connolly's biography that his mother just walked out one day.

Just to let you know, if you click 'Quote' to reply, or type '@' and the user's name, they get a notification.

It's not being offended, it's asking that the experiences of women who genuinely seem to regret motherhood, even when they're out of the 'trenches' phase, are seen as valid. Why wouldn't they be?

Describing motherhood as 'a trap' sounds like women are tricked into it (although maybe that's genuinely how the woman from whom it's a quote feels) but it's certainly something from which there is no way back if you change your mind. Most things can be undone given time, money etc but having a child isn't something you can change.

That is my point.
It is judged as unforgivable.

But for some women, it is the best choice they can make in the circumstances.

Whoa...

Personally, I think it's unforgivable for a parent of either sex to abandon their child. The harms often caused by absent fathers are well-documented.

And I think most people on this thread will probably agree

StandingDeskDisco · Today 09:55
"Lots of people here are saying it is a trap, you have no choice, it will pass once they grow up, etc.
We are overlooking, or not wanting to look, at the choice some mothers do make: the choice to leave.
Either leaving for good and vanishing, or doing a "Disney mum" and seeing their DC every other weekend whilst they live with their dad.
Every mother has the choice to leave.
Even mothers with severely disabled DC, or single parents can take that choice - but there is an almighty battle to be had with social services first, to get the children taken away.
Or there is the choice to risk being charged with abandonment and prosecuted - it is still a choice that can be made if the alternative feels worse.
But it is easier to say "I have no choice".
This is the huge taboo.
This is what we gasp in horror at, can't bear to think about.
This is what we abhor in women, and denounce and vilify women for - leaving their children.
I find the contrast with society's attitude to men who leave to be sickening.
It is deemed unforgivable for a mother to tell her child, or to demonstrate by her actions, that she regrets having them. But fathers do it with barely a murmur of disapproval."

It certainly takes strength for a woman to choose herself and leave her family behind because of control of women through shame and obligation is almost watertight.

I think the taboo is that a mother's love is strong but not enough to magic away her own desires, dreams and ambitions, especially for so long in sometimes dreadful circumstances to her own detriment.

I dont think its wrong to find motherhood hard, its how you act on these feelings that's the problem - eg cruelty to the children or abandonment is wrong, but seeking therapy, asking relatives and friends to help out is okay.