'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

Yes. We don't have a particular word for the particular subcategory of misogyny that is disdain for mothers (or I don't know the word for it) but it is endemic.

People looking down on mothers getting stuck in. People scorning the trappings. Phrases like "looking mumsy". Modern psychoanalysis blaming one's mother for everything.

Modern society seems to applaud us if we manage to disguise the fact we're mums - say, in the workplace, or socially, or physically getting "your body back". All of these things must contribute to regretful thoughts.

I think it’s like many things, it is what you make it.

Like regretting aging, it’s a pointless exercise.

The woman in the article does that, sets her boundaries and finds a way through to enjoy the parts of motherhood she can.

One of my children is disabled and will never leave the family home. Sure it’s not what I expected but I choose to see the good in the situation - the joy a cuddle brings to my son’s face, his incredible sense of humour and how it brings me and my DH together to support our son.

Therapy might help and acknowledging the regret but I don’t know that holding it with you as regret, talking about it and dwelling in it, would make it any better for anyone.

Emphatic not empathic haha my misspelling turned out the opposite of what I meant...!

It is definitely a topic that’s difficult to discuss.
I would say, from my own experience, the disparagement of mums is pretty constant in certain spheres. It is de rigeur for upper middle class mums in the academy and academic-adjacent circles to disdain motherhood, to express regret / loathing / a feeling of being trapped and the meaninglessness of it all. Grace Lavery’s “leaky tits and school runs” comes to mind – that is exactly how the pick-me girls talk about motherhood. I have no patience for it at all. I’ve had a hiatus from Mumsnet and perhaps I’ll regret immediately jumping into such a controversial topic but coming back to it I think it does feel a relief to get a break from the “mums who love being mums only do so because their brains have shrunk” nonsense that’s out there. I can’t think of any topic where it would be acceptable to post @MarieDeGournay 's sort of “X shrinks your brain” research, even the fact that there’s a whole BBC story on a matched cohort study of 127 women that couldn’t even manage to find 127 controls (doesn’t exactly shout “rigour”). Honestly, disparagement of mums is constant, it’s a relief to get away from it, and I get that it must be incredibly difficult for women who truly do regret becoming mums but I guess they kind of end up being pawns in the rhetoric of “silly dim women who love being mums” because women who deeply regret motherhood and find it empty of meaning are held up as the ideal of how any woman of non-shedded, big (manly?) brain would be.

don’t come on to a discussion on the feminism forum and tell women what they should and shouldn’t talk about

Just pause for a moment and consider the irony of this, please. I haven't told you you "should" do anything. Reread your comments on the first page.

FWIW I wouldn't go on the child free board that you mention and say "thank fuck I'm not child free".
I wouldn't go on a thread about, say, navigating relationships as a lesbian and say "Thank fuck I'm not a lesbian, I don't have to worry about this".
I also wouldn't use phrases like "sure, some women love motherhood, others..." when I'm not a mother.

You're bulldozing this dialogue with your swearing and empathic pronouncements and drowning out the voices of mothers trying to talk about their experiences. I'm not saying you "shouldn't". Do what you like. But I'm legitimately reacting to it and you're saying "don't". You're saying "do not suggest xyz".

No one is telling you what to do. My comment was so mild. You're telling me what i should and shouldn’t say

Edit for spag

Oh for heaven’s sake. Is it too much to realise that someone could read the article and think “Yup, that would have been me”?

This is a feminist discussion forum. Why would you suggest that only mothers’ opinions are valid?

I think in fairness, about the heated exchange above, that it's not so helpful for a woman who's never had children to come onto a thread about regretting having children and disagreeing so strongly with a mother's views ("Jesus, you make it sound like...").

That part of my of my comment was in direct response to VivienneMary’s post, but don’t come on to a discussion on the feminism forum and tell women what they should and shouldn’t talk about. And absolutely do not suggest that a mother’s views are not to be disagreed with

I may not be a mother but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought long and hard about whether or not it was something I was going to do because it was something my partner wanted. I heard all the arguments about “You love them when they’re here!” or “Children just fit in with your life” or whatever. I saw the friends who absolutely loved their children and thought it was the most amazing thing they’d ever done.

I’d also seen friends admit that they regretted children. That it had changed their life in ways they didn’t want, that they were stuck with partners who’d suddenly forgotten the equality in their relationship (and their career having suffered meant they were financially dependent), that they found children tedious and unenjoyable (all of it, not just the “in the trenches” bit), or that they simply had not wanted children and had been pressured into it. And there was almost always no way out, although I do know a woman who left her husband and child and started a new life elsewhere, such was her desperation to get out.

I stand by my earlier comment that the downsides of motherhood - and the regret that can come with them - should be talked about more so that women can make an informed decision. It’s very interesting to see the “Brush it under the carpet, nothing to see here!” reaction that it garners when it is discussed, though. Why wouldn’t you accept that motherhood isn’t for all women? Does it tie into the idea that this is a woman’s calling? Or that motherhood is some kind of sainted position that shouldn’t be critiqued?

(And before anyone says “But this is MUMsnet!!”, there’s a whole Childfree Mumsnetters subforum.)

This is actually an article about how mothers feel not women that thank their lucky stars they didn’t become mothers.

I agree wholeheartedly with this, sometimes it’s better to let a comment stand. To show a poster for what they are.

I agree. I thought that poster went very strongly on a topic that, with respect, isn’t for them to lead on (and to be clear, that’s very different than saying isn’t for them to contribute too!). As a mum of two there is a lot to say about this topic, and it is a thoughtful place for the OP to pose the questions, but having the second poster talk so boldly about not having children (“thank my fucking stars…”), it can deter other posters who did make the choice to be a mother who may want a safe space to discuss their feelings, which they may not have had a chance to do so before. It’s a common issue whenever this topic comes up - it gets dominated by women who do end up sounding smug that they knew they would feel regret so never did it in the first place. That’s great for them, but that isn’t what’s trying to be discussed here

I think in fairness, about the heated exchange above, that it's not so helpful for a woman who's never had children to come onto a thread about regretting having children and disagreeing so strongly with a mother's views ("Jesus, you make it sound like...").

In my experience, I have had phases where I've had regretful thoughts and they've passed. I think it's very rare for those thoughts never to pass and it's not "patronising" to have that opinion. Humans are generally elastic and adapt and can start to see the bright sides in our situations.

One or two of the examples in that article are about children with disabilities or the mum developing one. That's a separate thing that, in scientific parlance, hasn't been "controlled for" in this anecdotal study. Living with a disability or caring for someone with one is I imagine, really hard regardless of whether you're a mum, wife, sister, daughter. You can't extrapolate from that scenario to mums in general as it should also be compared with being "trapped" caring for a disabled spouse as well as mothering an able child to see which are more similar. That's how scientific studies work, anyway

The women you know who regret : what are the main reasons?

Interesting.

Re PND, it's not necessarily always that... I mean, it sounds like for whatever reason, some of these women decided not/could not travel or develop careers before the kids, probably they'd still be sad about that even with shed grey matter...

This

It's not a " life" most people will have 20 years of knuckling down out of a lifetime of 80. Health issues and your body changing will happen with or without children and actually pregnancy and particularly breast feeding is protective for all reproductive cancers and dementia. Having children isa huge commitment, but suggesting it ruins your health and or your life is simply inaccurate.

Some hard truths in that story. Women are complex, have different backgrounds, resources, expectations, physical outcomes from birth. It rings true about 1 in 10 regret how motherhood transforms a life.

Today’s societal changes mean more pressure is heaped on ever smaller nuclear families with dwindling support networks and fewer choices. It’s hard.

However as a mother of young kids most parents talk about how hard it is most of the time. People don’t say clearly I regret having bob, but talk about how awful the early years are and hope it gets easier.

Not sure it gets easier but I’m sure it changes.

Nasty exchange above. Sorry about that @SidewaysOtter.

I don't have children. I was never told I ought to have children. Never told I ought to get married. Never been told I shouldn't (or should) have an abortion. This is just to say that some of us have no interested elders in our lives.

I reported it, so it might disappear. I think it's good for posters to learn that it's not okay to be so nasty.

Maybe it depends on who you're talking to about it?

I think it's bollocks that the downsides aren't talked about. I feel like I heard nothing but that before I had kids, and nothing about the life-changing brilliance of having them.

Please, Hungrycaterpillarsmummy, withdraw that 'unhinged' remark

I say let it stand. It's testament to the hostility women encounter when they are honest or express an opinion other than 'motherhood is all and wonderful'. That such hostility comes (presumably) from other women speaks volumes - there was nothing 'unhinged' about my post and yet it provoked such a visceral, spiteful reaction.

Pregnant women's brains shed grey matter to prime them for motherhood, study suggests

The greater the changes in the brain, the more likely women were to say they were relating to, and bonding well, with their babies - the team of scientists found.
Maybe that 'customisation' of the brain doesn't happen for some women, and therefore they find motherhood more difficult to adapt to? or even suffer from post-natal depression?

Just a suggestion, I don't know how reliable this research is, but it looks interesting, and understanding why something happens is a good thing, I think.
Knowledge is power and all that...

Please, Hungrycaterpillarsmummy, withdraw that 'unhinged' remark, this is a very emotional topic and there should be space to express a range of feelings without getting that kind of nasty reaction.