'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

I agree with @Revoltingpheasants I found being a mother grueling and not enjoyable but I do, I absolutely do, love my children and I don't regret having children.
I feel lucky that they have turned out pretty well in spite of me, they are better people than I am and in many ways I feel redeemed by them.

"You frame it as a problem of society and a lack of support, not because of individual children." Yes, as Broken says, it is a societal problem, not inherently one which sits with individuals -mothers or children.

I think I know what the big taboo is about. It's to do with a mother's love for her child and how that is used to trap and silence her into a life of drudgery and caring - a type of silent martyrdom (you must nevert tell anyone, especially your children if you regret becoming a mother) so that men can get on with more interesting things.

Most of us think the nuclear family is the natural way for humans to live, but any evolutionary biologist will tell you that humans engage in alloparenting - shared parenting and that's how our brains are wired. We are certainly not wired for doing it solo or even as a couple. We are also not wired for teenagers living at home because they would have been fending for themselves in our evolutionary history.

The gap between our brains and our culture is where the taboo lies. Our culture (and men telling women what they are) uses motherhood to constrain women in a cruel way. We were never meant to give up ourselves, ignore our instinctual boundaries (e.g getting touched out, no time for self, child centered lives), but we are told it's a natural part of it.

On becoming mothers many women realise they have given up their agency and are understandably unhappy about it and it can feel like a prison sentence. But then we are shamed and told to keep quiet about it (cos you don't really matter any more).

As Susan Jeffers said in her book I'm Okay, You're a Brat, it is in the long term cruel and a bit vindictive NOT to warn your children how difficult being a mother is as you might lay the ground for them being equally trapped and unhappy down the line - not the same as saying you regret them. You frame it as a problem of society and a lack of support, not because of individual children.

Er no. You're immediate response to me was to swear - talk about provoked 😏
Your initial answer absolutely reads like a "I was aware of how Id feel before I had kids, thank goodness I was so lucky to have that mental capacity to understand this rather than these other women who weren't so lucky."
Totally patronising.

And im not the only one who felt like that as you can see from the reactions to my answer. So maybe there's food for thought there. Futher posts to other posters telling them how they should and shouldn't answer. "Don't your dares" etc etc - not cool.

Anyway, since we are talking about regret after having children because women thought they knew what they were getting into and the rose tinted glasses came off, it could equally be the same for you and other children women. Maybe if you'd have had kids, you'd have loved it - the thing is, no one knows how they will really feel until they actually live it.
The problem is, you can't go back once you take the leap!

I have definitely had moments of thinking "if I could turn back time I wouldn't choose to have children" and then other times (the majority) thinking how lucky I am to have them!

I don't regret having children, but by God have I struggled to adjust to being a mother. Yes, the constant demand, the shift to never actually having time off, and having to just keep going with extreme sleep deprivation (5 years and still going...)

But for me the hardest part is being judged as a parent as soon as we step outside our house. I can't even word it properly tbh, its not even all negative judgement - even the nice lady who comments on how well the children are behaving (when DS is not in meltdown) just makes me hyper aware that we're parenting on a stage and will be judged for a misstep. Add a child with additional needs who can have completely unpredictable and violent meltdowns and I honestly have to force myself to go out at times. As a natural people pleaser, learning to not care what people think about it is my biggest challenge.

This thread seems to be all about feelings. There are no 'wrong' feelings.

Why? Men’s roles have changed radically so far, why stop here?

Thank you.

I do find some of the reactions on this thread very interesting - from the initial references to “knuckling down” or “being on a smug high horse” to the attempts to explain away why a woman would regret children - PND, poor/non existent relationship, not realising that “it’s not forever, it just feels like it is when you’re in the trenches”, before moving on to the deflecting criticism of non-parents who give parenting advice on threads or where is and isn’t the right board for discussions.

Seemingly the idea that a woman might be perfectly well, supported in a stable relationship and understanding of her situation and still regret children is something that sits uncomfortably.

I do not regret having my children. I think i am thankful that i was young and "just got on with it" I was married and it was just the norm to then have children. No thought was really given to it and it certainly wasn't a topic of conversation in the media or within the women of the family.Things are different these days and much more thought and discussion takes place and i think that is a good thing.
I do understand some of the regret, i myself feel a sense of grief for the life i could have had, a life where i never had to consider another persons needs. The minute you find out you are pregnant for the first time is the moment where your carefree life ends. You will never have another moment where even subconsciously you do not worry. My children are all adults and now i don't only have them to worry about, the Grandchildren have been added to the list.
Becoming a Mum means you are never just one person again.

Thank you so much @MrsOvertonsWindow that’s so thoughtful of you.

My DC are late thirties early forties, and I’m in my seventies, so society was a lot different when we started our family. I love them so much but deep down wish I could have been childfree by choice.

Before my first pregnancy I felt very strongly that we should wait until we were more settled and had had time to have some fun and travel. Things didn’t work out that way and I struggled with PND and hating my body for letting me down.

It’s horrible loving them and knowing deep down that I resent them at the same time. I’ve been told that I compartmentalise too much and it’s true that I never know who anyone wants me to be. My brain shuts off the socially unacceptable parts even if I go to GP or therapy.

I tried once to talk to GP. I said that I had no purpose (meaning beyond the daily drudgery) and he said but you have (number of kids) little purposes. I gave up at that point.

And it definitely felt like a life sentence as a PP has said. I thought they would at least leave home for university as I and my siblings had, and I would be free.

They did find flatshares and study and work, but often moved back temporarily as society was changing so rapidly and their awareness of life choices were so much greater than mine had been at that age. So on top of everything else, I was very envious and it was hard work showing how very proud I am too without the envy showing.

Mostly I try not to think too much. There is nowhere to go with my thoughts. We simply blundered along with society’s expectations as best we could. I think I made a shambles of it all.

Controversial opinion - anybody that doesn't regret it, doesn't really love their children.

Those that plan their families bring children into the world for entirely selfish reasons. It fulfills a need in their own lives, but the children are then stuck with a life of insecurity and toil. They might have debilitating health conditions, mental illnesses such as depression, etc.

Those that fail to thrive as adults are vilified as lazy, entitled, etc. - but really they've been lumbered with a life that's totally at odds with contentment and happiness.

Part of me definitely regrets having children. All I can do now is hope that they're happy.

I 100 percent agree that parenting is harder than it was in my parents generation ( they raised me in the 70s and 80s). We had no wider family support but kids really did entertain themselves. From a very young age you just went out all day playing with friends in the neighbourhood. We free ranged far and wide. My parents did not have the burden of organizing and supervising our leisure time or friendships. There were no ‘play dates’ to arrange. They occasionally took us for bike rides or day trips. But that was it. I did one hobby once a week for a while my dad took me too. But apart from that, their free time was theirs. It was not spent ferrying me around.

Homework was less, none in primary and by secondary you were expected to organise it yourself. No school app for parents to check. Kids now do far more at school far younger than we did. The grammar they are expected to learn in primary is absurd. I’ve never even heard of the terms DS was expecting to learn. No bloody endless dress up days in primary either or endless school communications.

There is far less support and far more burden and pressure on parents, and on kids too.

You're missing her point that some women who choose not to have kids is because they do actually have quite a good idea of how they would find motherhood, whether that's from listening to other women without judgement or from their own experience caring for others already. There's no need to get so angry and nasty because a women expresses that she chose not to become a mother because she knew and expected she would find it similar to the women who experience regret. It really does no one any favours to shut down discourse on any topic. You could actually engage with her post or scroll by it, but basically telling a woman to shut up is part of the problem of why these feelings amongst mothers are so taboo when you don't want to hear all women's opinions on mothers and yes that includes the very valid input of those who chose not to become a mother and why.

I’m sorry, but just no. No matter what pseudo-psychological-sociological language you dress this up in, no child should hear their mother regrets having them. Feeling loved, secure and wanted is absolutely key to a child’s sense of security, worth and attachment. And that’s important for how they ( even unconsciously) see themselves as adults.

It’s perhaps the ultimate narcissism of the ‘individualistic me-me’ age to think parents have a right to prioritize their own mental health by telling their kids they regret having them.

It’s cruel. It’s wrong to do this.

This is definitely a conversation that is ripe for discussion.

Many women who, prior to motherhood, express ambivalence, are reassured that 'once you become pregnant / once baby is here' they'll feel different. Unless the voices of women who speak up about their motherhood regret are amplified, uncertain prospective mothers have little to back up their ambivalence in the face of bright-eyed encouragement. For some women, their hunches are right -parenthood is not for them, and it can be a really hard stance to maintain in a society which, once the whole, rose-tints the experience.

As a parent of a child with a developmental disability, I am acutely aware of the fact that I am now signed up to be a carer for life, and that I will work until I drop in order to ensure DC1 has the best life she can possibly have. This at a time when most of my peers are starting to think about winding down and plan for retirement in the not too distant future. My DC's dad was a very ambivalent prospective father, who -probably wrongly- eventually convinced himself he'd brave fatherhood; not because of the joys of becoming a parent, it turned out, but because he wanted us to stay together. We're now separating as the intensity of parenthood has broken him -his life would have been immeasurably easier (which is what he wants) without children, and without people convincing him it would all be alright and that he had the personal resources to do a good job of it.

I strongly suspect this as well. If the ‘D’F was pulling his full and equal weight of parenting, then the DM may well feel v differently. How many threads do we see of exhausted mothers and useless fathers? Or threads from exhausted single mothers whose husbands have buggered off.

Not to mention how parenting in our modern era has become more stressful full stop. Especially with the mother now expected to be in full time paid work, then carry the bulk of the unpaid home labour, at a time of rising costs and fewer extended family to help.

The expectations of what mothering involves or entails has increased too. I had pretty laissez-faire parents, but the expected involvement in a child’s life was definitely less back then. The state helped out for a while but no more sure start, fewer services, longer waits, but more pressure to ensure homework is done, take children to clubs etc etc. It’s all a recipe for disaster and in fact many many mothers have done an amazing job of parenting under terrible circumstances.

Nothing is more important than raising children and I wish there was more support for mothers to do so.

OK I'll just say one more thing and then avoid any further derailment in this regard.

If a thread is about a particular demographic or activity (mothers, lesbians, disability, playing the accordion whatever that might be) and one has no experience of being in that demographic or doing that activity, that does not make one's opinion not valid but it might make one's emphatic pronouncements less valuable to the discussion.

I mean, a lot of it is known about, or reasonably ought to be, before having children - Ok you can’t know exactly what something is like until you experience it but you know they will place a restriction on your life, will cost a lot of money, impact your career/earning, etc.

My 2 are grown up now or almost and whilst I don’t regret becoming a mother I really really didn’t enjoy having young children. I just wasn’t massively cut out for it. I struggled with patience and the relentlessness of it. I thought I’d be better at it than I was but then given my own mother wasn’t massively cut out for it when we were young either, it shouldn’t have really been a surprise. I have a much better relationship with my own mum now as an adult than I did as a child.

What I find hard even now is the constant worry about them, I think that’s just hardwired in. In some ways it’s even worse when they are adults and you can’t control what they do. This thread has been helpful actually as I saw a mention of therapy which I had never even thought about but which may help.

How I would put it is not that I regret having them but that I think I’d have been just as happy if I hadn’t. I got pregnant easily twice and so whilst I wanted children I never had a longing for them if that makes sense.

As a childfree woman, I found the article interesting and I thought it was positive that (it seems) younger generations are becoming more aware of motherhood as a choice, not an obligation. I hope this will translate eventually into less societal judgement of childfree women.

So describing the posts above as “not helpful” or accusations of “bulldozing” isn’t telling someone that their contribution is unwelcome and is not “telling someone what to do”. Or that it’s not OK to make the statement “Sure, some women love motherhood” - something that anyone can see, male/female, mother or not - solely because I’m not a mother. Right.

As for your comment about the “correct” board to discuss this in, this is feminist discussion, not a parenting subboard.

I absolutely advocate - and continue to do so - for the reasons why women regret motherhood and for the voices of those who experience that regret to be heard. Only then can women make informed decisions. I absolutely want those women to post here - or indeed anywhere - and to feel that they aren’t going to be judged.

The idea that only mothers should comment on the issue of regret, and not women who have chosen not to become a mother precisely because of those potential regrets, is bizarre.

Brutal honesty: I wanted my children so, so much. Experienced infertility and recurrent miscarriages and it was devastating. Now I have kids and I hate my life. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, having kids. I should have listened to the universe when it tried to intervene.

I’ve lost count of the number of threads I’ve seen infiltrated and it’s both irritating and worrying. It’s changing the landscape of the place. I feel the same way about the sex board, although for different reasons of course.

Mothers shouldn’t be taking over the childfree board either but I never go on there.

Research I read ( no I don’t have the reference) said that most women who regret having children ( and it was a small percentage) have unsupportive or no partners. So it was more to do with their circumstances than motherhood itself.

Assuming these women wanted to become mothers, we don’t know what the counterfactual would be. If they never had children, would they have regretted that too?

@JuliettaCaeser
Although, I feel that while similar it is more valid than the opinions of the childfree. There are some children that are easier than others to parent. It’s nice to know you’re not imagining you have difficulties with your child.

I think the goal is to get a cross section from all mothers, but adding in childfree opinions is adding noise to the advice/data which then makes it harder for mums seeking advice to discern the advice that is grounded in the reality of a women with experience of being mothers versus the imagined what would I do if I were a mother.

I think the thoughtful posts now outweigh the initial hostile comments Exhausted if you want to contribute?