'Like a trap you can't escape': The women who regret being mothers

Not sure you can deny that children so often destroy a marriage/relationship.

I have quite a lot of childfree friends and family who have long happy marries of between 20 years and 64 years. The majority of my friends with children are divorced, some more than once

I am in my 70's. I have lived in quite a few places in the UK and abroad and, as such, have met many many people. I have lost count of just how many women (and men) have told me that although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any.

This is not just women with young children it is women with grown children, some with grandchildren, some even with great grandchildren.

I think the number of women who regret it is far higher then people realise

We can feel conflicting feelings about all sorts of situations in life. Feelings are various and they come and go. One minute we feel one thing, and the next day something else entirely.

The idea of 'happiness' as a fixed state of feeling good bears no relation to reality. Nobody is ever without feelings of conflict or ambiguity in some area of their life.

Of course you can sometimes feel trapped by the responsibilities of motherhood, but then you can also feel trapped by your relationship, or by your job, or by your financial circumstances, and so on. Usually when the going gets tough in any situation we can feel trapped by it. This is inevitable and is part of the human experience.

I don't mean to sound trite, but it is true. When we change our perspective, our view of a situation, and our feelings, usually change too

Have been following with interest. It feels like there is so much here. I’m very much ‘in the trenches’ in that I have a 3 year old and a baby. If you asked me what I’d really like to do for Mother’s Day today the answer would be ‘have a day to myself’ but that doesn’t really feel in the spirit.

I agree with those talking about guilt, the constant fear of something happening to them or getting it wrong, the judgment from others whatever you do and the sheer relentlessness of it all. At times it is utterly overwhelming.

I wouldn’t describe myself as having regrets about becoming a mother. I have found it much harder second time than first. I often think of my old life and miss things about it, I miss the sleep, being able to get up and decide what to do with my day without thinking of anyone else, being able to have evenings out, my body being mine and not
having small people all over me all day. Generally the good bits outweigh those feelings which is why I wouldn’t say I regret it. But it’s an absolute slog sometimes (a lot of the time actually) and I can completely see why some women would regret it.

For me personally if I didn’t have children I think I would’ve felt regret about that, so I think the wistful memories of my old carefree life are just that - missing an easier time when things feel difficult now.

'' I think children open you up to the reality that none of us is truly autonomous. We all exist in an inter-connected web of dependencies and relationships. The idea of us as completely separate, autonomous individuals is an illusion - one that is probably found more commonly in 'privileged' western countries in which the pursuit of individual fulfilment is lionised as the ultimate purpose of life.''

I agree that we are all interconnected, but that doesn't stop individual women from feeling dissatisfaction and bodily sensations of distress at feeling trapped in the rollercoaster of motherhood. Or am I missing something and misunderstanding you?

I agree, I felt this quite suddenly after having my first, how everyone depends on several others.

Also, it hit me how much effort goes into making a human being. My body really struggled through pregnancy and birth, I was in real danger at one point when birthing dc1, and after she was born it felt at the time how even more precious she felt to me from how hard it was to make her happen. And then after that, how much work it was to keep her healthy and well, this helpless grub, who couldn't even roll over in bed, for months and months.

A friend of mine sadly had a relatively late MC and was very unwell from that, and afterwards she told me, one time when she was still recovering from it she saw a homeless man in the street and felt suddenly very emotional thinking how his mother laboured to bring him into the world and how that made him (and everyone else) really precious. I actually value my own life more, even, after my experience birthing dc1.

A woman's (mine) body, individuality, freedom, financial freedom, looks, feelings about myself, life in general. Ability to do what I want, when I want. Be whoever I want, if I exaggerate a bit. My fortune allows all this. Children would ruin it.
Again, speaking for myself.
Clarified enough?

I think children open you up to the reality that none of us is truly autonomous. We all exist in an inter-connected web of dependencies and relationships. The idea of us as completely separate, autonomous individuals is an illusion - one that is probably found more commonly in 'privileged' western countries in which the pursuit of individual fulfilment is lionised as the ultimate purpose of life.

What is it,exactly, you think children destroy?

Yes I can, although it won't be fitting for this forum.
I believe that children destroy lives, basically.
Of both women and men.
Without exaggeration, my 20 year long marriage has been mostly problem free and happy.
I don't see that with married couples and kids.

'what happens in motherhood is such a serious restriction to your very autonomy and freedom as a human, that I feel these words whitewash what is a debilitating state to be in.'

Well, thats one way to frame it!

'I think solidifying a feeling into a fixed condition of 'regret' serves no useful purpose. At times we all look at the particular conditions of our lives and imagine other scenarios and pathways we could have taken.
An imaginal life of open ended or endless possibility only exists in one's creative imagination...at some point we all have to make decisions and commitments, recognising that life is not perfect and never will be. When we choose one thing, we close down other possibilities.'

I understand what you are saying, choices lead to things opening and/ or closing for you, but what happens in motherhood is such a serious restriction to your very autonomy and freedom as a human, that I feel these words whitewash what is a debilitating state to be in.

The loss of autonomy and freedom is huge. Some people won't admit it to themselves as it's very painful. I also think this is why child free people who say they saw it coming are attacked.

Can you explain why?

Is motherhood really deified? I think it is just as often demonised and made out to be a self subjugating and oppressive condition or way of life.

People always get anxious about those really big decisons in life: getting married, taking out a mortgage, having children...... because every such major choice in life is a risk. There are no guarantees - and forever holding back because of fear of consequences - is not a comfortable place to be either. Feeling we must minutely control the outcome/conditions of our lives can easily descend into neuroticism.

I can see how it can be one of a woman's peak life experiences, the flood and rush of over-powering love and desire to protect ( which reveal our instincts kicking in), and the subsequent investment in the well being and flourishing of that child....but alongside that comes frustration, guilt, overwhelming responsibility etc

Such is life.

Yes, OP.
Fortunately, by carefully observing others,
I realised this at the age of 13.
Not having children, although long term married, remains the very best decision I ever made for myself.

A criticism of swearing, a patronising interpretation of something I hadn’t said and a little smirk emoji. That’s me told, isn’t it?

And we can all play “reactions top trumps”:

I think solidifying a feeling into a fixed condition of 'regret' serves no useful purpose. At times we all look at the particular conditions of our lives and imagine other scenarios and pathways we could have taken.

An imaginal life of open ended or endless possibility only exists in one's creative imagination...at some point we all have to make decisions and commitments, recognising that life is not perfect and never will be. When we choose one thing, we close down other possibilities.

..and our feelings are not static; they are in continual flow and flux.

Yes, i cannot see the point in this sort of 'rear view' regret. Life is full of momentous and consequential choices. Only if you expect life to be a free ride full of 'self nurture' or 'self pleasing' might you become tangled up in this sort of pointless naval gazing. Every decision has positive and negative consequences.

It's a very wise point that we don't tell our children about regrets because we don't want them to feel unloved.

But I was surprised when Kate Figes published a book "Life After Birth" in 1994 complaining that "no-one had told her" and I wondered who she'd asked. Her own mother Eva Figes had published a book "Patriarchal Attitudes" in 1970 which included a feminist critique of motherhood (including the views of John Bowlby father of attachment theory). Maybe we don't listen to our mothers when they're not telling us what we want to hear?

You're right, I haven't been clear. I think women who I've called pick-me girls feign a kind of regret at becoming mothers - the one thing you must never do is let on how deeply meaningful it can be. It's a tedious game that imo exists because academic culture always always lifts up the male experience and denigrates the female. And I also think this is bad for women who live with real regret at having had children.
Absolutely don't want to suggest that genuine regret would come from wanting to be not like the other women.

I agree. I wonder how much support they have. I do think the loss of "villages" hasn't helped at all.

I just wanted to make a point about therapy/counselling. It doesn't create the feelings out of nowhere. I use therapy/counselling to discuss existing feelings that I can't talk about in real life without either inviting damaging judgments or hurting the feelings of people close to me, and that are having a bad effect on me or my parenting. To get my feelings out in the open so that I can talk about them and find a way forward that works for me and for the people I care about.

If I was fighting to suppress the sense that I resent or fear my child or that I shouldn't have had children at all then my children are very likely to sense it no matter how hard I try to ignore the feeling. I might be directly making my children feel unloved but I might also be uncertain or overcompensating because I feel too guilty to do well-balanced firm discipline so we get a vicious circle of child misbehaving, I feel resentful and despairing, poor discipline, child misbehaves more.

Quite often the surface problem isn't the underlying problem. Does DC remind me of someone earlier in my life, and I'm still judging my DC by my own childhood experience and feelings? Am I feeling such regret because DH isn't stepping up and I can't ask him or he shuts me down?

The way out of the trap is often unexpected. I've had sessions where an unexpected solution came up, not because the therapist suggested it but just because I had put the bad feelings out there and looked at what was behind them so I could see past them to a solution I'd dismissed that could actually work.

Of course there are bad therapists and counsellors in the world but I would expect a good therapist to let me express my worse feelings safely and then once it's out in the open to contrast them with whatever love for my child I've expressed, or look back to see why I had a child at all and re-connect with those feelings, or maybe consider medical reasons why I can't connect with warm feelings; and then I can find a way forward myself.

Discalimer: This kind of regret is not a real-live example for me btw! I've never regretted having DC and DH has been a rock.

One more thing I would say is that if you can't handle mixed feelings then parenting might not be best for you. I'm of the Ozzy Osbourne school of parenting "I love you more than life itself BUT YOU'RE DOING MY HEAD IN!!")

… apologies that that was a bit of a rant. I am very conscious that some parents have children who have high care needs and have no support with years of exhaustion and no light at the end of the tunnel. And that feels very different to me.somehow.

I read the article (but have not seen the film). All the regretful mothers seem in a bind around their own selfishness. They want the best parts of being a mother, but also want the best parts of being childfree.

“self-described perfectionist” is going to get into complicated territory very quickly when assuaging her perfectionism is dependent on the compliance of a child/teenager/young adult. It’s a pity she didn’t have the self awareness beforehand, but the problem is in her, not in society, and definitely not in the child.

“Motherhood is full of sweet moments, but they do not make up for the freedom I could have had instead”. What on earth does this person think is the solution to this. She made a choice, and is now pouring more of her time and energy into this rumination, and comparing her child and reality to some fantasy in her head.

“People are more comfortable labelling it as [PND] – my children are adults now and I still grieve the life I never got to have.” Where to even start with this, she needs to go to lessons on Opportunity Costs until it sinks in. You Cannot Have Both, and it is profoundly selfish to moan that it is like that. She sounds like someone who wants to go on holiday but whines all the time they are there about the lack of home comforts.

it is amazing that it is full on whinge fest and none of them feel any responsibility to examine whether there is something in their own character driving their resentment.