Concern my child is "trans"

He doesn't want to be a man because he doesn't like the way he feels people treat him "as a man" but he can't articulate what he thinks people are expecting of him (and he is very articulate and verbally adept so if he can't explain it noone can). He thinks if he has a more feminine body people would treat him in a way that he's comfortable with. Again, he can't articulate what this way is.

Perhaps he's referring to when his identity is acknowledged as his 'authentic self' that makes him feel seen, respected & validated for who he is that only a more feminine presentation can hint towards.

That age can be so hard for neurodiverse kids. Heading from the safe known universe of school off to the unknown of uni. Keeping communication open is excellent. One thing that struck me is that he thinks having a more feminine body will make people perceive him more positively. It might be worth gently pointing out that most people are still recognisable as their sex despite treatments and creating this incongruence is likely to actually cause people to be more confused about him or suspicious of him.

One of the most necessary skills I’ve found in parenting is walking that fine line of establishing trust with your children enough for them to feel comfortable to open up & be receptive to your advice. If you are willing to truly listen to them without being dismissive of their experience they will know you have their best interests at heart & be more likely to hear your advice.

There's a reason patient centred therapy is more successful than the directive kind. The therapist approaches the patient from a position of non judgement & can therefore coax the patient into opening up enough so you can work the problem together where options & consequences are discussed without out fear giving you more of an opportunity to guide him.

You can still reach him but perhaps you will need to reconsider your approach.

I'm so glad you've been able to keep the lines of communication open and that he hasn't steamrollered into transitioning. Very positive, too, that he has a neutral therapist. But, you're right, leaving home will expose him to ideas and opportunities that could change things for the worse. And right now, knowing he is still confused and unhappy, must be an ongoing heartache. Have you been on the Transgender Trend website? https://www.transgendertrend.com/autism-gender-identity-autistic-bodies/
They have lots of coverage of autism and gender identity in young people that might ring bells for you. Also, is he on medication for his ADHD? It's turned my son's life around completely after a disastrous first attempt at leaving home for uni. Do stay in touch.

It's also not 'against the law' to not affirm and hold sex-realist beliefs!
Edited: didn't realise this was not a current post. How are things going @KiddyMcKiddly ?

This is wonderful advice. Its a lot harder to get them outside when they are older but, if you can, it is fabulous therapy for this issue. So many young people who are gender non-conforming and/or gay are told the only way to be this is to be trans. That's a dreadful route to push a child down. Good luck Kiddy

Affirmation or condemnation is not the way forward. It’s your child’s choice at the end of the day and they have to work it out. Big parental feelings are only going to complicate it.

Might be a phase. It might not. But all the way through this is your loved child, be there through the journey. Love them for them, otherwise you’ll end up without them.

I did a mess trying to edit some typos! Hopefully my message will reappear.

You say ‘if he is trans’, clearly assuming that there is such a thing. But as this case illustrates, most of young people declaring themselves trans are in fact simply very troubled. And are often using the identity as a way of dealing with their problems. (My life is so painful, I must actually be trans.)

As one of the leading LGB Alliance people says, it’s not the popular kids who are coming out as trans, it’s the isolated, awkward, struggling ones.

Many others are simply gay, but that’s not feted these days, and gay kids are encouraged (by their peers, and online) to see themselves as trans instead.

Another cohort among men are simply fetishists, but I don’t imagine that the young person here is in that group yet; I might be wrong.

Among girls the picture is even darker; they are seeking a way to escape womanhood, female-ness, particularly in an age where they will have been exposed to violent online porn from as young as 11.

@KiddyMcKiddly I would encourage you to get in touch with Bayswater Support, as another poster suggested.

Is it worth doing some research on autism and body image? There is quite a lot of information on-line about body dysmorphia, body dissatisfaction etc and autism. If you can get a better understanding of this it may help navigate any future conversations on whether it’s gender that is the issue or not.

Could it just be that he’s gay and doesn’t feel comfortable with coming out yet?

Has he actually said he's trans or are you assuming from other behaviours?

Keep talking to your son. Show him that he is the most important thing to you.
If he is trans explain that you need time to adjust to this and take one step at a time.
As with everything in families, you can navigate tough times best by supporting each other.

Oof @KiddyMcKiddly, hugs. This is hard, and you are worried and frightened because you have already been through a lot and you care so so much.

My son is a few years older than yours and things have gone the way you are frightened of. He has ADHD and autism, but not the other anxiety issues, and is at uni now. On reflection, the first sign was intense shaving just as you describe. So I understand why you are worried. I won't say any more about my situation as it's not what you need right now. But here's a list of things that might be worth considering - some we did that I think did help, some that I wish we had done.

1. Get off mobile phones and the internet. Not just your son, everyone in the house. Openly acknowledge that phones are addictive, they're designed to be addictive. Try screentime limits for everyone.

1. Gaming computers are for public areas of the house only. Dig out a Wii if you can - those simple games are great and scratch that itch, hooray for Mario kart. Ideally all computers should be in public areas of the house.

1. Get outside. Get a dog, get a bike, get into geocaching or wild swimming - whatever works for you in your area. Keep it local, keep it fun.

1. Look for ways to build up your son. Openly say that you think he's marvellous. Actively look for ways to celebrate him and, when you think you can get away with it, his manliness. Get him to open the jars, hold up the shelf - whatever it is, big or small, celebrate him and who he is.

1. Take some internet-free or -light holidays with shedloads of physical challenge. Walk the West Highland Way or Hadrian's Wall, do some cycle touring, walk a camino. Push yourselves, find out what your bodies can do.

1. Be very very wary of professionals; teachers, therapists, CAMHS.

1. Pretend to treat all the gender stuff with a light touch. You are terrified, but he doesn't need to know that. Tell yourself that it is a teenage phase, and it will pass. Your job is to be a rock as the storm rages round. If you have never affirmed then it will be his ladder out of it. I try to picture myself in ten years' time - "do you remember when...? Hahaha!". Find a friend who you can cry on.

1. Keep the pressure low. At 17, probably he's starting to worry about uni or whatever. That can keep if need be - the top unis seem to be swimming in this stuff. Probably that's a big reason for his recent anxiety, maybe school have ramped up talking about the future and he's just frightened. Take joy in the mundaneness of life, emphasise that life can be small and beautiful.

1. Take care of yourself and your partner/marriage. You haven't arrived where you are without difficulty already.

10. Don't beat yourself up about the heated arguments. I think it's good that he knows where you stand! Remember, disagreeing with your parents is a completely natural teenage phase. I expect cave teenagers found their cave parents wrong and objectionable. The job of a teenager is to test who they are, to try out different ideas to see how they are different from you - and to press your buttons!

Take care of yourself. Wishing you love and light through this storm.

It must just be so hard though feeling so unnatural and your own parents not being able to accept who you feel you really are. I don't know what the answer is and I don't know how I would cope if it were my child. Such a hard situation to navigate

The other gender in a previous life?!! FFS, can we try to maintain some level of sanity? OP might like to look at "Thoughtful Therapists" on Youtube.

Affirmation isn't a neutral act, so try not to do that. Genspect and Beyond Trans (for parent support) are very helpful as well as Bayswater Support.

Could it not be an eating disorder OP? You mention that he is very skinny.

Get in touch with Bayswater. There are lots of parents in similar situations and they will also have advice in relation to therapists who won’t just affirm.

There is no point pretending you are not GC, but you can reassure your son that you are able to discuss his situation without them being front and centre. Your priority will be the health and wellbeing of your child. As he hasn’t definitely said this is about gender, you can focus on his issues surrounding his body image without too much focus on gender. Keep talking.

There is also a Facebook group for parents of adult children with ADHD. I’ve found it generally very helpful, not purely about gender. My son is also AuADHD

I did go through a phase a few years ago when I was really skinny and liked wearing men's clothing (like sports clothes and tracksuits with a beanie) I had my hair really short like a boy's. I was often mistaken for a man and called "mate" and I kind of liked it. It was weird. I was really physically fit and sort of strong and muscular, and I liked embodying this sort of strong masculine energy. I don't think it was a trans thing, more androgynous. I don't know if that helps