Concern my child is "trans"

I'd tweak this suggestion slightly. He absolutely does need to know the implications of the SC ruling that he must not use the womens, but that is not the same as saying that he must use the mens. The EHRC guidance was pretty clear that those with PC of GR can ask for accommodations to be made that are not simply "use communal facilities based on sex". Although non-binary does complicate that slightly; it's less clear he would have the PC in that case especially if not medicalised.

I really hope OP's son doesn't end up going down that path, it's not an easy one for sure, but it is possible to simultaneously transition and respect the law. We should be preparing questioning people for that. It's great that OP was able to make him aware about implications for sterility. The implications for e.g. changing rooms, people's perceptions, not "passing" are all really worth mentioning too. But there is a chance that he learns of all those things and still decides to go ahead and transition; I did. I hope not, I hope he can find another path, but it's worth preparing him honestly for what he is getting into if he does.

Wishing you the best OP, hope you're coping and I really hope things do improve.

What the actual fuck 😂 are you okay?

I used a gender neutral term as the person isn’t sure if they want to identify as male or female.

i don’t know these people and where the fuck have you got the idea I’m talking about my patients online?

I think the heats getting to you my dear and making you rage 😡

I read that as 'even though you strongly disagree you were still kind & loving' so I don't think there was a negative judgement implied. And as most parents I'm sure can relate to we often to struggle to maintain composure when we don't agree with our child's views.

The OP never said whether her son had requested pronouns so maybe this commenter was using 'they' as a way of avoiding a he or she to be polite. In any case the spirit of the comment was to offer the OP much deserved praise rather than make a big deal about pronouns.

@Limoncellospritzz I have a lot of thoughts in reply to your answer. It certainly made me think. However, I don't want to derail this thread.

If "accepting them as they wish" means lying to the OP's son that he is really a woman, and telling him to distance hinself from OP, then those people do not have his best interests at heart. Unlike OP, who clearly does.

Quite. The whole 'we are your family now' shtick that TRAs use to groom and sow seeds of distrust into the minds of vulnerable young people is disgusting.

Why are you intentionally using them pronouns for a boy? 🧐 If he has told you to use other pronouns and you personally know him it’s a breach of confidentiality to talk about him on an online forum if you’re a psychotherapist. And if you don’t know him then you are intentionally misgendering him. And why are you implying that there’s something wrong with OP’s ‘views’ as you call it or that they would make her struggle to be “kind, loving and supportive”? It seems quite judgmental and passive aggressive from a psychotherapist. Don’t you cover treating everyone with respect and being non-judgmental in training?

Indeed. Creepy as fuck.

Agreed!

And alienating people from their loved ones is a huge red flag for cult mentality, especially when coupled with love bombing, as it happens so much in T groups.

No one reading that would be in any doubt that the OP's son is the last person who's interest that poster considers.

Separating children from their protectors is a cornerstone of transactivism.

The polar opposite of parenting.

Gee, it's not abusive at all to suggest a child should reject parents who love them - abusive to both the parents and the child!

EDIT apologies I didn't see that the OP is dated months ago. The below is no longer relevant but I will leave it here in case it is useful to any future mum in the sane situation

I think you need to regularly and explicitly tell him "I need you to know that I love you so much there's nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. Even if you did something I fundamentally disagree with it would never stop me loving you. You absolutely have the right to keep things private from me but you don't ever need to hide a secret from me because of thinking I'd stop loving you, I won't."

You do then obviously need to stick to that. If he does decide to reveal and you are right about what it is, you reconfirm that you still love him and confirm that people who disagree with each other can still love each other. You can respect his rights to believe totally different things to you and still love him. And if he wants to change his name you can still call him "darling" or whatever other endearments you always use.

Nothing he does could ever make him a woman but if he feels more comfortable with the clothes/hair/behaviours that society labels as "feminine" then you can still support that.

It’s nice to see that despite your views you were able to be kind loving and supportive of them OP. As a psychotherapist, I see irreparable damage done to people who haven’t had this reception from their parents. I don’t doubt your distress. But I am glad you made it known your love for him is UNCONDITIONAL. I bet that relieved them so much considering your past arguments.

It is interesting OP, that he doesn't like the way people treat him 'as a man', but can't explain it. You say he's very articulate, so maybe it's less that he can't and more than he won't.

For all sorts of reasons.

If it's at all analytical he might realise that it's often sexism that makes people treat and women differently and maybe doesn't want to suggest that he supports it?

Also, perhaps he means it's more about his sexuality. Would people treat him as heterosexual by default? And if he was more feminine, it would be obvious to everybody that he wasn't?

The fact that you picked up on a reason that he couldn't explain is significant, in my opinion. There's something that he either isn't sure he should be feeling, or doesn't know how to express it. And at his age, I bet there's a strong possibility that it's all about dating/attracting a mate. Another reason why he might struggle to talk about it to his mum!

Edited to add that choosing a girl's name is a strong, publicised signal that he's not a straight man, too.

Helpful 🙄

Your post is all about you and how you feel, you don’t respect your child and how they feel, hopefully your child finds people who accept them as they wish to be rather than stuck with parents that think they are right.

Validation is a fundamental human need that connects to our deepest emotional & psychological well being. Whether we are talking about self-acceptance (embracing ourselves without conditions) or social acceptance (the feeling of belonging to a group), it drives much of how we interact with the world. In fact suicidality risk factors include social & familial rejection.

Both trans & non trans people use bodily modifications as an expression of their identity by aligning the physical body with internal self-conception. It's a kind of subtly prompting others on how to read or interact with them & a signalling of belonging to specific subcultures or social groups. Names & pronouns operate the same way.

That's an important one, yes. Is he willing to keep using male single-sex spaces while looking more feminine? That alone could make him re-think the whole thing.

I'm simply pointing out that you suggested the OP may need to "reconsider her approach" and suggested that " when his identity is acknowledged as his 'authentic self' that makes him feel seen, respected & validated..."

You seem to be conflating two different comments that refer to two different scenarios.

My first comment about reconsidering her approach to discussions was in reference to listening not directing conversations like therapists do by taking a client centred approach. Therapists aren't there to direct or agree with their clients but to guide them without judgement by exploring their problems & solutions with them which by her later comments seems to be what the OP is doing.

The second comment about respecting 'authentic self'/individuality was about what her son maybe referring to because she wasn't sure what he meant by:

"He thinks if he has a more feminine body people would treat him in a way that he's comfortable with. Again, he can't articulate what this way is."

I am in no way suggesting the OP affirm a trans identity rather what his POV might be in terms of 'comfort' when dealing with people.

Thankyou for the welcome!

You may need to explain the SC ruling to him if he goes down the feminization route. He cannot, by law, enter female only spaces etc. He will have to use mens toilets and changing rooms etc. Hopefully that might make him think. Despite what he may read on Reddit etc he will not 'pass' and it will lead to more confusion for him.

I think this idea of an 'authentic self' is a troublesome concept as used in relation to gender identity.

A true 'authentic self' would not need validating, surgery, or other body modifications. It would not require people to use preferred language. It would not involve deadnames or using single-sex spaces for the opposite sex. It would not need the general public to act as props holding up this 'authentic' identity.

I always remember that post where a trans identified man thought that it was perfectly reasonable to control how others perceived him. He couldn't see that the very concept of controlling someone else's perception of the world and the people in it was 1) impossible and 2) authoritarian.

Children and young people growing up is the very time when they explore their feelings and work out who they want to become - of course they're individuals. It's baked into the process.

I'm simply pointing out that you suggested the OP may need to "reconsider her approach" and suggested that " when his identity is acknowledged as his 'authentic self' that makes him feel seen, respected & validated..."
Affirming your child as the opposite sex is fraught with difficulties, especially for the vulnerable young, as so many parents on here understand. No parent should feel coerced into standing by silently as their teenager makes decisions that may ultimately harm them. It's the role of parents to have the loving, difficult conversations and the OP has had some great suggestions in how to do that.

Anyway - welcome to Mumsnet Limoncellospritzz.

And apologies OP for any derail - hopefully the advice you've had from others on here has been helpful.

He doesn't want to be a man because he doesn't like the way he feels people treat him "as a man" but he can't articulate what he thinks people are expecting of him (and he is very articulate and verbally adept so if he can't explain it noone can). He thinks if he has a more feminine body people would treat him in a way that he's comfortable with

When I was a 16yo boy, I hated how my developing body made other people react. I was very conscious that people were more wary of me and would keep their distance, avoid looking at me, cross the road to avoid me, and so on. At the time I compared it to how they'd react to someone walking around with a gun or a knife in their hand. Except of course I had no way to put the weapon away and make myself non-threatening again, like I had been just a year or two before. I desperately wanted to undo it.

What's going on with your son may of course be entirely different, but just mentioning in case it resonates with him.

Whoaah. Playing devil's advocate for what a person maybe feeling isn't 'blaming'.

Your 'authentic self' is simply the truest version of who you are personality wise, minus external expectations and societal conditioning. Feminism ring any bells?
If you are going to pretend to a child individuality doesn't exist good luck with attempting to advise them on their lives.

Tropes like "his authentic self" this really don't help parents navigating the challenge of safeguarding their vulnerable children from a dangerous ideology. Nobody should be trying to blame the OP for not immediately affirming her vulnerable child. It's an approach that transactivists repeatedly take and one that posters on here are wise to.

Parents have to tread a fine line, ensuring that their child knows that they're loved and supported while gently challenging self harming behaviour. The OP is evidently listening to and communicating with her son and it sounds mutual.

Parenting teenagers / young people is so hard, as is growing to be an adult in these challenging times. The OP seems to be managing really well and retaining a positive relationship with her vulnerable child.