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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

11yo "transitioning" advice

37 replies

simpletask · 20/02/2026 22:28

I have a close friend whose 11yo daughter decided recently that they were unsure of their gender and would now be referred to as "they". Within the space of a few weeks this had changed and the child has a male name and referred to as he/him.
The child has spoken to me about binding and is also into the "furry" culture.

The child has a diagnosis of asd.

I have spoken to my friend about the risks of over affirming but the affirmation is getting stronger. School has changed the child's name and using preferred pronouns.

I'm so very concerned that this child is exposed to a world where she even knows what binding is and I worry about the path she is on where everyone around her is affirming this new gender. I worry about what will happen when she starts her periods.

Where would you start in speaking to this friend?

I also have a child the same age, and she does not understand this sudden change at all so I'm also seeking advice on how to address this with my own daughter.

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HildegardP · 20/02/2026 23:31

www.transgendertrend.com is a good source of info on how to talk to your daughter about all this & to the other child's parents, maybe start with the resources for parents & for schools. There's also a book aimed at parents by Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano & Stella O'Malley, When Kids Say They're Trans that you might find helpful.

Hilary Cass' report is worth anyone's time, webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/ukgwa/20250310143642/cass.independent-review.uk/ particularly in this case with regard to social transition. It is not a neutral step, it is a powerful intervention & should not be embarked upon at the behest of amateurs or ideologues. Despite the flabby govt guidance, the reality is that school teachers are not psychiatrists or clinical psychologists, school counsellors would be operating far beyond their competence in advising (or supporting on a child's say-so) any social transitio.n Schools are not insured to diagnose, or to accept & act upon children's self-diagnoses, or to recommend clinical pathways such as social transition.

Ben Ryan's Substack benryan.substack.com/ gathers a lot of relevant US stories together & the parents might find the articles on US detransitioner lawsuits particularly interesting, they are, er, surprisingly under-reported in the UK the court documents are worth a look. Note in particular that the long-vaunted "medical consensus" in favour of underage transition isn't there anymore.

Although commissioned by noted whackdoodle RFK Jnr, America's HHS report on gender dysphoria was conducted by sane & competent people & is worth reading; opa.hhs.gov/gender-dysphoria-report.

As an ASD adult whose own gender woes did not resolve until my early 20s, I second the suggestion of Hannah Barnes' book. Dr Az Hakeem worked with adult trans patients at the Tavistock for many years & his book, Detrans, though more confronting, has some useful things to say about ASD & gender identities (It's not widely sold so try Amazon). It's bad enough that we get misdiagnosed with Personality Disorders, getting misdiagnosed as the opposite sex is inexcusable.

If the other child's parents have even a scintilla of doubt (the "affirm or your child will die" threats do still happen so perhaps they feel they have no choice) https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ might prove useful to them.

Only total ignorance of the Furry scene could account for permitting a child to be involved. It's a highly sexualised subculture with many crossovers into extreme fetishes & paraphilias, & is entirely unsuitable for minors.

I'm sure others will suggest all the useful stuff I've missed out or missed seeing myself.

(Sorry if any of those links don't show live for you, they all work if cut & pasted.)

Good luck!

tropicaltrance · 20/02/2026 23:29

Asking questions that get her to start questioning herself will probably be more effective than telling her what you think. The latter just makes people get defensive and entrenched because they feel judged.

Lamelie · 20/02/2026 23:24

simpletask · 20/02/2026 23:15

My friend is quite isolated, it would be very easy for me to be very vocal about this with her but I know she'd cut ties and I worry about the child at the heart of all of this.

There's definitely an issue with unlimited and unrestricted Internet access.

Prioritise your own daughter over your friend.
“Friend's daughter has got caught up with some dangerous trendy ideas, it’s particularly worrying because she’s still growing like you, and she could damage her body permanently whilst not really knowing what the long term consequences are- no one does. The family needs time to work out what’s going on so we won’t be seeing them for a while”
Are they in touch independently?

ArabellaScott · 20/02/2026 23:24

the trans stuff is most likely to be a phase, unless circumstances push her to maintain it for longer. Its more worrying as a symptom of deeper issues, really. But you may be limited in what you can realistically do, unless you see more definite red flags.

simpletask · 20/02/2026 23:19

Thanks, that's a good idea.

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ArabellaScott · 20/02/2026 23:18

I wonder if you can just address that, without going anywhere near the hot button trans issue?

simpletask · 20/02/2026 23:15

My friend is quite isolated, it would be very easy for me to be very vocal about this with her but I know she'd cut ties and I worry about the child at the heart of all of this.

There's definitely an issue with unlimited and unrestricted Internet access.

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ArabellaScott · 20/02/2026 23:14

Re your own daughter - its a good reason to have some open chats about it all. See what questions she has. Try and answer her honestly and straightforwardly.

ArabellaScott · 20/02/2026 23:09

Oh gosh, the poor child.

The child has spoken to me about binding and is also into the "furry" culture.

Both of these things are red flags. Furry culture has a lot of adult content. Binding is very unhealthy.

Addressing intermet safety may be the first thing. I'd wonder if she's being groomed, I'm afraid.

simpletask · 20/02/2026 23:02

RedToothBrush · 20/02/2026 22:55

A copy of Hannah Barnes Book is about to come through her door.

Thank you, I'll have a look.

She's very very closed off to hearing anything other than overly affirming. I think this is my biggest worry.

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RedToothBrush · 20/02/2026 22:55

A copy of Hannah Barnes Book is about to come through her door.