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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

11yo "transitioning" advice

37 replies

simpletask · 20/02/2026 22:28

I have a close friend whose 11yo daughter decided recently that they were unsure of their gender and would now be referred to as "they". Within the space of a few weeks this had changed and the child has a male name and referred to as he/him.
The child has spoken to me about binding and is also into the "furry" culture.

The child has a diagnosis of asd.

I have spoken to my friend about the risks of over affirming but the affirmation is getting stronger. School has changed the child's name and using preferred pronouns.

I'm so very concerned that this child is exposed to a world where she even knows what binding is and I worry about the path she is on where everyone around her is affirming this new gender. I worry about what will happen when she starts her periods.

Where would you start in speaking to this friend?

I also have a child the same age, and she does not understand this sudden change at all so I'm also seeking advice on how to address this with my own daughter.

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lirt · 24/02/2026 08:06

RedToothBrush · 23/02/2026 19:55

Ds is 11 and we've had a conversation (started by him) about sex and gender and hormones this week.

Absolutely you can talk to your own kids about this on your own terms. Don't let others get in there first with misinformation.

This.
My teenager has been told from a young age that there are two sexes and you can’t change your sex. She’s always known this and as a result finds the idea of trans utterly baffling. Parents are a huge part of the problem when they try to normalise transgender ideology. There’s a social contagion with this that when coupled with affirming parents creates a toxic dangerous mix.

ArabellaScott · 24/02/2026 07:05

Social contagion is very much a thing.

Although the wave/trend is passing, so now we are more likely to see the more dysfunctional families presenting as 'trans'.

PurpleLovecats · 23/02/2026 23:09

simpletask · 23/02/2026 05:58

Yes I am invested because I care for my friend and her child. I'm concerned that the approach being taken currently is setting her up for failure for many many reasons. Her body is about to go through puberty and regardless of if she will transition as an adult, the people in her life are affirming that she is a boy now. I'm worried about the access she has to trans and furry ideology online and simply can't sit by and watch and be complicit in something that I feel is harming her.

I still say it’s none of your business. But if you are really concerned, report to SS to assess.

You set it has happened quickly but their mother well have been aware of issues for some time and not shared with you,

simpletask · 23/02/2026 22:12

blythet · 23/02/2026 19:53

Why wouldn’t you just explain factually to your own DD about what is going on? My DD is 11 and knows quite a bit about trans people and is also aware of the concept of furries.

Given the world they’re growing up in, it’s important they’re well educated on these topics. It’s not contagious or like she’ll ’catch it’ through education on the topic.

in fact, my Dd has a close friend in her class at school who has decided she wants to be a boy. My daughter knows her friend is biologically a girl but can be sympathetic to her feelings. It’s not rubbed off on her 😂 my Dd is still a very ‘girly girl’ and is happy with who she is. It doesn’t stop her being a good friend to her friend who is struggling with this. If anything it’s made her more caring and understanding.

and as for furries - she knows quite a bit about this but finds it all really weird and a bit funny. She thinks it’s nuts and will have a laugh about it so it’s not like her understanding that they exist has negatively impacted her. In fact she formed her own view on it completely independently

I'm not shying away from any conversation, but my daughter has gone from having a female friend to a male one in the space of a few weeks. The approach we take is factual and pragmatic. The pace at which this has happened and been affirmed and endorsed had led to confusion. I'm very happy and able to have the conversations but I mention it because it's a factor in how I'm approaching this with my friend.

OP posts:
BringonSpringnowplease · 23/02/2026 20:37

blythet · 23/02/2026 19:53

Why wouldn’t you just explain factually to your own DD about what is going on? My DD is 11 and knows quite a bit about trans people and is also aware of the concept of furries.

Given the world they’re growing up in, it’s important they’re well educated on these topics. It’s not contagious or like she’ll ’catch it’ through education on the topic.

in fact, my Dd has a close friend in her class at school who has decided she wants to be a boy. My daughter knows her friend is biologically a girl but can be sympathetic to her feelings. It’s not rubbed off on her 😂 my Dd is still a very ‘girly girl’ and is happy with who she is. It doesn’t stop her being a good friend to her friend who is struggling with this. If anything it’s made her more caring and understanding.

and as for furries - she knows quite a bit about this but finds it all really weird and a bit funny. She thinks it’s nuts and will have a laugh about it so it’s not like her understanding that they exist has negatively impacted her. In fact she formed her own view on it completely independently

it's not like it's contagious
Social contagion is a thing

blythet · 23/02/2026 20:15

RedToothBrush · 23/02/2026 19:55

Ds is 11 and we've had a conversation (started by him) about sex and gender and hormones this week.

Absolutely you can talk to your own kids about this on your own terms. Don't let others get in there first with misinformation.

I don’t know how different this is in different areas but my 11 yo DD has been having 2 years of sex education at school. It quite detailed in terms of sex and hormones etc.
The discussion about transgender was touched upon briefly but not in much detail at all

RedToothBrush · 23/02/2026 19:55

Ds is 11 and we've had a conversation (started by him) about sex and gender and hormones this week.

Absolutely you can talk to your own kids about this on your own terms. Don't let others get in there first with misinformation.

blythet · 23/02/2026 19:53

Why wouldn’t you just explain factually to your own DD about what is going on? My DD is 11 and knows quite a bit about trans people and is also aware of the concept of furries.

Given the world they’re growing up in, it’s important they’re well educated on these topics. It’s not contagious or like she’ll ’catch it’ through education on the topic.

in fact, my Dd has a close friend in her class at school who has decided she wants to be a boy. My daughter knows her friend is biologically a girl but can be sympathetic to her feelings. It’s not rubbed off on her 😂 my Dd is still a very ‘girly girl’ and is happy with who she is. It doesn’t stop her being a good friend to her friend who is struggling with this. If anything it’s made her more caring and understanding.

and as for furries - she knows quite a bit about this but finds it all really weird and a bit funny. She thinks it’s nuts and will have a laugh about it so it’s not like her understanding that they exist has negatively impacted her. In fact she formed her own view on it completely independently

RedToothBrush · 23/02/2026 19:36

simpletask · 23/02/2026 19:27

I do get this, and perhaps my posting is just a way of me doing "something" as I'm feeling so powerless to help. My friend won't read things I send her, she doesn't want to hear anything opposing to her views and I get that means I'm very limited in how I can support. I am invested because she's a friend and I care but will inevitably be the one she leans on to help pick up the pieces if and when things fall apart. I'm also sad for my daughter who is losing this friend, I know that's inevitable as they grow older and interests change but they seem so "othered" clinging to every diagnosis or label like it'll fix things. Its not my circus and I truly do know I am limited in how much I can really do....its just very sad that that's the reality.

Been there. There's literally nothing you can do in these situations. That's what hurts because you can see the harms being done.

In all honesty for your own sanity you might be better stepping back completely for your own well being rather than feel witness to the harm being done and then somehow complicit.

This is ultimately how I feel about it. Instead I talk on here about the wider issue and talk to others who DO listen in the hope that it forces the whole infrastructure on which this ideology is rigged to collapse.

I think realising you can't save individuals but perhaps you can work towards changing the landscape and therefore helping others before they get to that stage is a more constructive and productive thing you CAN do.

Honestly I can't just go along with this stuff and staying in contact with this family is going to require you to affirm at some level or they will just fall out with you anyway. I wouldn't feel comfortable being part of the problem - hence why I stress looking for solutions and alternative ways to help indirectly might be the limit of what you can do in a positive fashion.

simpletask · 23/02/2026 19:27

RedToothBrush · 23/02/2026 08:39

It's the way she's phrased it.

There is a limit to what she can actually do.

I do get this, and perhaps my posting is just a way of me doing "something" as I'm feeling so powerless to help. My friend won't read things I send her, she doesn't want to hear anything opposing to her views and I get that means I'm very limited in how I can support. I am invested because she's a friend and I care but will inevitably be the one she leans on to help pick up the pieces if and when things fall apart. I'm also sad for my daughter who is losing this friend, I know that's inevitable as they grow older and interests change but they seem so "othered" clinging to every diagnosis or label like it'll fix things. Its not my circus and I truly do know I am limited in how much I can really do....its just very sad that that's the reality.

OP posts:
Geneticsbunny · 23/02/2026 08:48

Furries is a sex kink where people dress up in full mascot style animal costumes and have sex whilst in costume and get sexual thrills from defecating into nappies inside the costumes. It should not be happening in public and is completely seperate from the current trend of teens wearing animal ears and tails. Which is more like an emo/goth accessory for most and for some is a bit weirder (see therians) but mostly harmless. Your friends daughter is probably doing the second one but needs to be aware of people using this to draw underage children into the first catagory.

RedToothBrush · 23/02/2026 08:39

ArabellaScott · 23/02/2026 08:33

Wanting to help doesn't automatically mean a saviour complex! As is said so often, child safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. Although sadly you are quite correct in that there is realistically very little OP can do to help.

It's the way she's phrased it.

There is a limit to what she can actually do.

ArabellaScott · 23/02/2026 08:33

Wanting to help doesn't automatically mean a saviour complex! As is said so often, child safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. Although sadly you are quite correct in that there is realistically very little OP can do to help.

RedToothBrush · 23/02/2026 07:36

simpletask · 23/02/2026 05:58

Yes I am invested because I care for my friend and her child. I'm concerned that the approach being taken currently is setting her up for failure for many many reasons. Her body is about to go through puberty and regardless of if she will transition as an adult, the people in her life are affirming that she is a boy now. I'm worried about the access she has to trans and furry ideology online and simply can't sit by and watch and be complicit in something that I feel is harming her.

You are overinvested.

It doesn't matter how you feel. She's not going to listen to a word you say because she's already overinvested in transitioning.

You are not going to be able to get through to someone who is already that entrenched.

You have a saviour complex. You can't save her. She's in a cult. It's like an addiction. She can't be saved until she wants to be saved and is ready to listen.

A failure to understand this, no matter how much you care means you are on a hiding to nothing where you will end up very upset.

You ARE powerless to intervene here. She's not your child and social services won't do shit because they support this stuff.

It sucks. Unfortunately that's the situation. I hope in future that changes but right now that's the dynamics of the matter. Beyond giving a book which they may or may not read and letting them make up their own minds you are helpless and it's not a nice feeling.

Yes you may have to just sit back and watch because you may be given no other choice.

simpletask · 23/02/2026 05:58

PurpleLovecats · 22/02/2026 23:54

You seem overly invested. This is something for your friend and their child to navigate. Maybe they will transition, maybe not. It’s their journey, not yours.
surely you just tell your own child that some people explore different things?

Yes I am invested because I care for my friend and her child. I'm concerned that the approach being taken currently is setting her up for failure for many many reasons. Her body is about to go through puberty and regardless of if she will transition as an adult, the people in her life are affirming that she is a boy now. I'm worried about the access she has to trans and furry ideology online and simply can't sit by and watch and be complicit in something that I feel is harming her.

OP posts:
PurpleLovecats · 22/02/2026 23:54

You seem overly invested. This is something for your friend and their child to navigate. Maybe they will transition, maybe not. It’s their journey, not yours.
surely you just tell your own child that some people explore different things?

HildegardP · 22/02/2026 23:46

Shmoigel · 22/02/2026 22:04

This is what peaked me. I worked in SEN education and the amount of children and teens who were allowed to socially transition and bind was truly alarming. These children should be safeguarded not encouraged to make decisions that may have long lasting consequences. It left me uneasy that there was some greater issue like population control going on.

Lawks, it's much simpler than that. To Pinocchio's plaintive desire to be a real boy, add the Q+. Back in the 70s & early 80s, PIE had successfully conned organisations like Liberty, as well as many politicians who ought to have known better, convincing them that "paedophile rights" was a liberal & liberatory struggle, but by 1984 they had lost that support, members had been subject to numerous prosecutions & the organisation fell apart.

Just a few years later, a group of very extreme BDSM fetishists lost a series of court cases (including at Strasbourg) thereby establishing that, in the UK at least, there are sex acts to which nobody can consent, basically because they cross the threshold of grievious bodily harm.

Both of those groups were comprised of people motivated by a paraphilic disorder, just like the AGPs. Men, & it's almost always men, who suffer from these disorders live lives dominated by their paraphilia, they are incapable of accepting that their sexual goals are wrong, or that the legal prohibitions & social taboos against them should stand.

Both groups have strategised for years to find a new way to force the State to indulge them, trans & "Queer" politics are a godsend for them. Now, the T has plenty of paraphilics of its own & far too many trans people assume a right to violate the social & sexual boundaries of others in pursuit of "validation" [waves at the oxymoron, "AMAB lesbian"] so the Q+ was inevitable, & unlike the old gay liberation movement, nobody takes out the trash so it's easy for the guys who get thrills from cutting body parts off their "slaves" & the plain old child predators to wrap themelves & their objectives in a Progress Pride flag while intoning thought-terminating clichés like "AccEPtaNcE WitHOuT eXCePtiON" & telling any opponents or ditherers that they are evil bigots who want trans & Queer people dead. Remember, most normies still mistakenly think "Queer" means "LGB".

The groups mentioned above are far from the only bad actors in the coalition, some don't even realise the other groups exist. The less informed & more naive an "ally" is, the more useful they are, because such people shy away from asking why Admiral Rachel Levine successfully pressurised WPATH into removing lower age limits for "gender affiring surgeries", & from reading the Eunuch Chapter in WPATH's SOC8, & from understanding what lay behind that chapter (a long collaboration with The Eunuch Archives, the Internet's oldest & largest forum dedicated to castration fetish).

Nobody really wants to know that respected senior academics & captains of industry, perhaps even one's own friends or rellies, while away their free time penning erotic fiction based on forced castration, often of little boys. I wish I didn't know it because I want to live in a world where such men don't seek out others with whom to share their repellent ideas but instead seek out & receive effective therapy. Others shy away from the knowledge because any engagement with the topic gives them the ick. Yet others are determined not to know because to know would shake their conviction that they're Good & Sophisticated People, allies to the vulnerable & defenders of the downtrodden, rather than the stooges & Useful Idiots they really are.

There are lots of other special interest groups to whom the TQ+ pursuit of "absolute bodily autonomy", at any age, is useful. For example, body modification itself can become an obsessive compulsion, & a sexualised one. There are reasons why something as mundane as a medical supply company might find the TQ+ promising in revenue terms & therefore worth supporting.

The coalition is unspoken, its elements often disguised, even firewalled one from another, but they work together indifferent to any other objective but their own. The stress laid on being an "embattled minority" imposes a kind of omerta, & people with an obsessive goal are not famed for their second order thinking. All this sails along on the tide of allies' carefully-curated ignorance.

Shmoigel · 22/02/2026 22:04

This is what peaked me. I worked in SEN education and the amount of children and teens who were allowed to socially transition and bind was truly alarming. These children should be safeguarded not encouraged to make decisions that may have long lasting consequences. It left me uneasy that there was some greater issue like population control going on.

simpletask · 21/02/2026 21:35

Igmum · 21/02/2026 15:12

So sorry your friend’s daughter is going through this Simple. The good news is that she will almost certainly grow out of it (my DD, also ASD did). The bad news is that all the adults around her pushing and affirming her won’t help.

There’s some great resources here. I won’t repeat those but would add:

Yes, prioritise your DD and make sure she knows the difference between sex and gender and that you cannot change sex.

I’m not sure what sort of a relationship you have with the other girl but could you get her out and about doing something that is nothing to do with trans - preferably something physical? Climbing, walks, playing in the park, zip wires, skating - anything. A few days on a farm with animals and no WiFi. The trans ideology dominates online. At 11 she’s more likely to want to go out and do something fun. This gets much harder at 14 or 15 when teenagers can turn into troglodytes/shift away from parents and towards their peer groups. You don’t have to talk about trans stuff, just give her something else to get interested in. Even better if mum comes too and can be persuaded to do whatever it is regularly with her DD.

Good luck and thank you for being sane and being there.

I'm going to try this, she's so entrenched in the online world that nothing "real" seems to interest her. I worry so much that the overly affirming approach is being taken by everyone around her including school that it leaves her no way out should she change her mind.

We are seeing them tomorrow so there may be a chance for further chats to understand how much time she's spending online.

OP posts:
Igmum · 21/02/2026 15:12

So sorry your friend’s daughter is going through this Simple. The good news is that she will almost certainly grow out of it (my DD, also ASD did). The bad news is that all the adults around her pushing and affirming her won’t help.

There’s some great resources here. I won’t repeat those but would add:

Yes, prioritise your DD and make sure she knows the difference between sex and gender and that you cannot change sex.

I’m not sure what sort of a relationship you have with the other girl but could you get her out and about doing something that is nothing to do with trans - preferably something physical? Climbing, walks, playing in the park, zip wires, skating - anything. A few days on a farm with animals and no WiFi. The trans ideology dominates online. At 11 she’s more likely to want to go out and do something fun. This gets much harder at 14 or 15 when teenagers can turn into troglodytes/shift away from parents and towards their peer groups. You don’t have to talk about trans stuff, just give her something else to get interested in. Even better if mum comes too and can be persuaded to do whatever it is regularly with her DD.

Good luck and thank you for being sane and being there.

gototogo · 21/02/2026 13:09

The furry stuff is even more weird. There’s a girl that comes into my shop wearing ears and a tail, I always compliment her on the lovely tail but also clearly state it’s fun dressing up, it’s a case of saying their outfit is nice but it’s not real. When it comes to trans it’s fine to use neutral pronouns and a chosen name, I can’t get exercised over that but i clearly say it’s fine not to be feminine and mine to wear neutral clothes but not fine to do anything that isn’t reversible. I know girls who went through this phase then reverted to happy adult lesbians, all in 20’s now

ScrollingLeaves · 21/02/2026 13:01

simpletask · 20/02/2026 23:15

My friend is quite isolated, it would be very easy for me to be very vocal about this with her but I know she'd cut ties and I worry about the child at the heart of all of this.

There's definitely an issue with unlimited and unrestricted Internet access.

Perhaps talk about internet access in general without mentioning her own or her child’s.
Mention how other children have been dangerously affected, give examples, and tell her you are going to restrict/do x re your own child’s internet use from now on.

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 21/02/2026 00:12

From personal experience. The furry thing is a massive read flag. Accompanied with unfiltered internet access this kid is in trouble. I’d figure out how to I escalate to authorities in some way that was not directly about the affirmation issue.

Baital · 20/02/2026 23:44

Trans and furry? It's all the MN buttons, congratulations!

simpletask · 20/02/2026 23:39

Lamelie · 20/02/2026 23:24

Prioritise your own daughter over your friend.
“Friend's daughter has got caught up with some dangerous trendy ideas, it’s particularly worrying because she’s still growing like you, and she could damage her body permanently whilst not really knowing what the long term consequences are- no one does. The family needs time to work out what’s going on so we won’t be seeing them for a while”
Are they in touch independently?

No, they aren't. They went to the same primary school but different secondaries. We see them sporadically and mostly when I initiate it.

I'm definitely prioritising my daughter, she just thinks that her friend has a new nickname at the moment but the questions are starting to come.

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