Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

URGENT help needed please re college socially transitioning daughter

134 replies

ConcernedmumofTIF · 19/12/2025 12:25

I just typed out a whole long post and it disappeared! I'll start again.

I did post about my daughter a few weeks ago under a different name. I am a long term user but name changed for this for anonymity.

TLDR: my daughter is autistic with health issues and mental health issues and has expressed to college she wants to be called a male name. She has told me she wants hormones and double mastectomy. College is socially transitioning her and are using the male name in her official EHCP review documents. I asked them not to but they are ignoring me. What do I do next? I have to reply TODAY as they break up for Christmas this afternoon. Should I raise a saeguarding concern or should I wait and see what happens with the finalised document? (And does anyone know if I can appeal it if they include this other name in it?)

Longer story: she first expressed a non binary identity 2-3 years ago and we talked amicably about it, she knows I am gender critical and I explained why I hold my views, and why I wouldn't use the male name. She seemed OK with this and we have a very close relationship as I am also her carer and she wants me to handle lots of things for her - we talk a lot and spend time together daily doing cetain things she likes as a daily ritual.

Since then, she has obviously become more radicalised (evident in the way she talks about trans although interestingly she was unaware of the Tavistock, or Cass Review, or much of the key stuff) and has said she now identifies as a man, but also as a lesbian (but in a queer way, apparently) and wants hormones and a double mastectomy.

I am deeply concerned that college socially transitioning her is legitimising these desires and also isolating her from us as her family by being all "we will support you when your parents won't".

I have the Bayswater Group guide on safeguarding and have also put my daughter on the waiting list with a therapist who understands the dangers of all of this but they can't see her until March.

I just don't know what to do. I feel sick seeing this other name on offical documents and knowing the damage that is doing. My daughter is vulnerable - autistic, disabled with mental health issues and I think also OCD which I am about to contact the GP about as it's only recently I have realised that some of her rituals are more likely OCD than autistic. I feel college have a duty of care not to just socially transtition her.

Please help me work out a good course of action.

This is the college safeguarding policy https://www.activatelearning.ac.uk/app/uploads/sites/2/2021/07/Safeguarding-Policy.pdf

I've also looked at other relevant policies and nothing specifically covers social transition though there is mention of not tolerating "transphobia".

https://www.activatelearning.ac.uk/app/uploads/sites/2/2021/07/Safeguarding-Policy.pdf

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
JudgeBread · 19/12/2025 13:13

AidaP · 19/12/2025 13:09

Spoken from your crystal ball of ignorance and baseless assumptions.

Show quote history

You mean like your post talking to a mother about her child, who you've never met, as though you know her better than her own mother you mean?

Downton Abbey Yes GIF by MASTERPIECE | PBS
AidaP · 19/12/2025 13:09

ScrollingLeaves · 19/12/2025 13:08

Clear off. How dare you speak to this mother this way. And no, she is not speaking about her son. This is her daughter. And this thread is her mother’s not hers anyway. She herself is not on it. There is absolutely no excuse for false pronouns, sanctimoniously and erroneously peppering any discourse here.

A highly vulnerable, autistic and mentally fragile young lady is about to be processe through a dangerous pathway by ignorant, virtue-signalling college officials, before she has had the chance to seek psychological guidance, in a way that will cause her irrevocable mental and physical harm.

Show quote history

Spoken from your crystal ball of ignorance and baseless assumptions.

ScrollingLeaves · 19/12/2025 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Clear off. How dare you speak to this mother this way. And no, she is not speaking about her son. This is her daughter. And this thread is her mother’s not hers anyway. She herself is not on it. There is absolutely no excuse for false pronouns, sanctimoniously and erroneously peppering any discourse here.

A highly vulnerable, autistic and mentally fragile young lady is about to be processe through a dangerous pathway by ignorant, virtue-signalling college officials, before she has had the chance to seek psychological guidance, in a way that will cause her irrevocable mental and physical harm.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 19/12/2025 13:07

How old is she OP?
It sounds at face value that there are activist adults at the College with zero insight into the needs and safety of such vulnerable children. If I've remembered correctly, wasn't there an adult overstepping professional boundaries who you had to tackle. I know they're closing today but I'd take a deep breath and wait before challenging them today. Anything you write won't be dealt with until the new year anyway

And please ignore the hostile comment upthread. Parents and responsible adults will completely understand the dilemma and no parent should ever be slated for wishing to safeguard their vulnerable child - especially on a parenting site.

Sneesellsseashells · 19/12/2025 13:06

So your child is 16/18 years old? I think your starting point needs to be understanding, open communication with active listening and no lecturing, just understanding of her emotional experiences.

Then discussing what internally feels so off for her that it is creating gender dysphoria for her.

Her name, her pronouns, none of the little stuff should be the hill your relationship dies on. Just develop your relationship in a non enmeshed codependent way i.e. she gets to exert age appropriate control over her own experiences, thoughts and feelings without having to defend them and see what happens.

Curiosity not warfare basically.

Bobbymoore123 · 19/12/2025 13:05

You're not behaving sensibly. I know this board doesn't like listening to practical advice but it sounds like they're already aware that you don't agree with them and have taken steps to do this without you but have, so far, wanted to keep you in their life. I do not know if your child is trans, I do know that they believe they are and that forcing their beliefs to align with yours will not work in the way these delusional helicopter parents think they do.

TwoLoonsAndASprout · 19/12/2025 12:57

Transgender Trend, Safe Schools Alliance and James Esses may all have resources on their websites that you can use to push back against this with the school.

AidaP · 19/12/2025 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mipe · 19/12/2025 12:51

Yes, having been in a similar situation I would definitely raise a safeguarding concern and also make a formal complaint ASAP. They are teachers, how dare they think they know her better than you do! Good luck, I know it’s an awful situation to be in.

Swipe left for the next trending thread