URGENT help needed please re college socially transitioning daughter

At her age I think the college may be in a very difficult position if it refuses to use the new name - just as it would be if she asked them to use another female name because she disliked her birth name. They would effectively be saying she lacks capacity to make a decision about her name, and this might open up a huge can of worms for them & make teaching her very difficult.

So I don’t think you will get anywhere with the battle to stop the use of the new name- terrible though it is that a vulnerable young person should be encouraged down this self-destructive path. That’s not to say though that you should not set out very clearly to the college why going down this route is likely to cause her huge damage, and how vulnerable she is. They should not be able to kid themselves that they’re doing the right thing by using the new name.

SHE.

I couldn’t agree more. But I don’t think going after the college will achieve anything. I am a university lecturer. If you think this stuff is bad in college level, university is a whole other level.

As a parent at the absolute coal face of these issues you will not be able to successfully change the environment within the confines of your child’s time there, changing the context, that is for gender critical activism, you can only work directly with your child.

My point is that the issues with the child are far more pressing to deal with as a parent than the issues with the broader context.

Being a parent requires a multi faceted approach I think. Connecting is critical as you say, alongside working out what must be "absolute" boundaries, what can be negotiated, how to maintain your love and connection while holding firm about some things

In every post I've seen on here from desperate parents, the consensus seems to be to keep talking, loving and hold them close (while allowing age appropriate separation) and to be very sceptical of activist adults / online influencers.

What is so toxic in all this is the presence of so many bad faith actors determined that children must be transitioned, no matter how vulnerable / unwell they are.

You are mostly speaking for yourself.

I have nothing useful to say at all unfortunately, except that I can see that the OP is very distressed and is asking for support and I hope she gets it.

She obviously loves her daughter and wants to protect her from life-changing, irreversible procedures, which sounds like a parenting no-brainer.

Maybe there is a balance to be struck on the basis of seriousness e.g. name/pronouns etc is reversible, double mastectomy is not, and the OP could work out priorities but I don't know what would be the right thing.

I'm responding to her distress, and her love for her child, and sending her best wishes for strength and wisdom and a good outcome for both.

edited to make a bit more sense!

All of the posts supporting the OP are making very valid points on the Gender Critical activist perspective but from direct experience with a 13 year old going through a very similar experience to the OP’s child it is not the parenting lens.

If you have a child with gender dysphoria then for whatever reason be it ND or trauma or something they are deeply disconnected. The answer for a parent dealing with this is connection, connection greater than a cause offers them.

Battling the child’s thinking or a school that from the child’s perspective and current mindset is supportive of them is not the answer. Connection is the answer from my experience.

I know.
These people show their true colours- complete lack of genuine compassion or understanding of the complexities of the issue. Intolerance of other people's views and insulting and abusive to boot. And obviously completely oblivious to/unbothered about the harm they are causing young people and families.

Young people take control of their own ehc at 16 and the staff at the LA will put whatever she tells them on the forms tbh. They will not defer to you.

I suspect that college will do the same.

We can't stop our yp making really bad decisions and sometimes fighting them makes them want to dig their heels in deeper. You are in a very difficult situation but I am afraid that you may have to let the college/LA stuff go.

They don't speak out with care, just with set driven agenda. There is not an inch of consideration for what he wants here, just "nope, it's the world, he does not want it, ever, despite saying so for years".

You just struggle with something that's even tinies pushback against the status quo that trans doesn't exist and is entirely made up social contagion, or whatever is the theory of the week.

Driving a wedge between children and families appears to be baked into transactivism. Hence the abuse and lack of insight / care when worried parents speak out.

I do hope the OP hasn't felt driven off her thread

It's all about scoring points eh?

Exactly, it's a disgrace.

Go away, please.
This is all meaningless.
The child has not and will not stop ‘existing’.

So sorry to hear you're in this situation OP. Just wanted to send support. I don't have much practical information as I'm in Ireland but Genspect is another resource that might be useful.

Ignore the unhelpful and frankly abusive messages you're receiving from some posters.

I did hear an interview with Helen Joyce in which she said the way one parent was able to stop their child going down the binders route (which was the first step the girl was about to take) was that the parent managed to convey that she had her's child's best interests at heart, more so than any institution or random activist.

Wishing you and your family all the best xxxx

This comment highlights the dilemmas parents face. Activists displaying zero knowledge of safeguarding, child / adolescent development, parenting and social contagion, berating a parent for asking for help.

Mumsnet is a parenting site "By parents, for parents" . Yet you've waded in hurling around accusations that the OP is transphobic with negative comments about her parenting.

Please do better.

OP I read this the other week and wondered if this person’s experience as a parent might help you in any way.
The Girl In The Tinkerbell Dress
Pushing back against the gender clinic saved our daughter
JUN 12, 2025
www.pittparents.com/p/the-girl-in-the-tinkerbell-dress

Within it is a particularly useful link to Genspects
Gender Dysphoria Support Tool
Family and Friends Survey & Parental
https://genspect.org/resources/gender-dysphoria-support-tool/

This is a link to Thoughtful Therapists who are not steeped in transgender ideology or capitulation to those who are.
https://www.thoughtfultherapists.org/

I say, touche. What a riposte!

Sending a massive hug OP. This is the scenario that keeps me awake at night. My daughter isn't at college yet (next academic year) and she remains at risk of this. The every day fear I feel is what drives me on.

The EHCP system is fucked. It should have everything it needs within it to give children with autism-related puberty distress the interventions that they need but instead it's turned safeguarding on its head.

Good advice above not to send anything today (as it won't get looked at) and also to ignore the unhelpful posts.

Despite how fucked it is, there is a path that can be trodden once you're in the EHCP system.

It starts with getting in independent EP report. Obviously the EP needs to be chosen carefully, as everything will hinge on this. Then it signposts out to SALT (for cognitive processing of language e.g. what is a girl? What do sex-based stereotypes mean?) and OT (for a grounding and understanding of the body, including the changes that happen in puberty).

I can add more thoughts on this but for now, sending another hug. What a shit and scary situation xxxx

So who does she fancy? If she's a 'man' who likes women then she's straight. If she's a lesbian then she has to be female. She sounds very confused.

I hope you'll both be ok, whatever happens.

This!