URGENT help needed please re college socially transitioning daughter

Paradoxically, this is really good news.
She is not going to book herself a mastectomy if she can't even make a GP appointment.
Your goal has to be to prevent permanent damage to her body, so no surgery, no drugs or hormones, and no chest binders. You are in a good position to be able to prevent all this.

Let her change her name, and play along with "changing gender", whilst making it clear to her that you don't believe anyone can actually change sex.
Keep the lines of communication open, keep talking, make her feel loved and supported and make sure she knows you are on her side.
Then hopefully she will out grow this, which may happen when she leaves college in a couple of years.

What are you talking about? People who are trans ARE trans. People who are considering they might be trans might end up being trans, or they might not. Being trans is just being trans. So if the kid ‘believes’ they are trans they ARE trans. It’s the ultimate self identification. It isn’t some magical thing you you believe and then later find out it was “true”. You wish you were the opposite gender, like the stereotypical stuff assigned to that gender, dislike yourself and/or don’t feel like you fit in - usually because you’re neurodivergent and feel like you don’t fit in - and you want to escape from the uncomfortable, awkward, misfit version of you that is reality, so you find a way to adopt another personality and name to try to change your life. And these people who are supporting this are encouraging a vulnerable child to run away from who they are rather than go to therapy to learn to love who they are.

if a college was supporting a child to become religious, and not listening to the mother’s concerns - not caring that some kids can get religion and be fine, but others are vulnerable and at risk from being radicalised or used by others in that religion would that be ok?

And really, anyone can use any name they want but if they were called Amelia, you would expect their legal name to be used on forms, reports etc. So why aren’t they in this case? It isn’t about respect - it is about denying facts and encouraging a narrative that could change this kids life for ever

To be honest I suspect this may be one of the areas of the law that may need to be tested due to the “over 16” aspect

on paper the college MUST follow kcsie

and kcsie says the school should (a statutory should) involve parents

this is exactly the situation Stephen Flaherty was in, but he was a member of staff who went through internal processes to highlight the college should have told the teen’s mother. They didn’t agree (despite kcsie) so he told the mother. The college fired him. His tribunal is about his wrongful dismissal for this

I am also aware of a 6th form college that socially transitions students aged 16-18 without parents' permission, including if requested by the student in the face of strong parental opposition. When parents disagree, the college just lies- when staff eg take a phone call from the parents and they give their child's name, the computer screen flashes up a large warning box to refer to the child by their birth name/ sex (their photo/ gender name is on the main screen) to the parents even though they aren't known by the birth name/ sex in college- the idea is the parents would never find out directly until it's too late for them to do anything about it.

It is very difficult for staff who disagree with the policy as they are unable to complain if they want to keep their jobs. The Welfare lead is strong enough however to ensure no one is allowed to use opposite sex toilets/ changing rooms- which takes a lot of courage in the hostile environment there. There are a few single use facilities around the site.

So @ConcernedmumofTIF there will be other parents in the same boat as you- maybe contact Bayswater support group and Transgender Trend for advice?

Apologies I gave a link to his crowd funder and forgot we can’t do that!

Meant to add this

Colleges must follow kcsie

Kcsie extends to 18 in education, as does parental responsibility

this was the basis of why Stephen Flaherty complained when a college was doing exactly the same. And lawyers were happy to take on his case for wrongful dismissal for informing the mother that they had socially transitioned her daughter.

the point is that they haven’t consultated with this girl’s mother

the child is autistic so vulnerable

Cass states that transition is not a neutral act

the college have taken it upon themselves to start transitioning the child without any medical advice nor working with the parent

The child isn't pre-pubertal and is at college. I am as gender critical as they come, but at 16, it's not that easy.

I understand, I really do. I am carer for my daughter (mld, asd). She is 27 now. It was a shock to discover how services were prepared to overlook me! But that's how it works as they navigate into college, adult services etc. I have another daughter who is asd and had an ehc plan. She left school at 16 when I very much wanted her to stay on. It is hard to see them making choices we don't like. But when push comes to shove, services listen to yp, not parents.

You sound like a great mum.

Long list of resources from transgender trend. I’m looking for a document they had on girls and autism written by an autistic academic

https://www.transgendertrend.com/autism-gender-identity-further-resources/

I love hearing that, genuinely. Setting aside your views, offering love and support to your kid and their friends as they try things out and figure out who they are. That also means when they found out that they are not trans, or lesbian, it's a non issue to consider experiment as conclusive and move on from there.

It's normal development, for children and adults. And yep, very few people are actually trans, way under 1%, and TONS of children/young people experiment in similar fashion, the difference is that because you care more about the kid than the anti-trans views, they were open with you through all of it. It's great.

And I'll tell you another thing that may shock you, being trans is not a blessing. I would not wish it on an enemy. But it's also not a choice, and when you find out that you are trans, support, medical and social, goes a long way to help through it. But that's also why it's important to let kids experiment, and if they are trans, offer the help they need to reduce the hurt as much as possible, especially as some of it is irreversible - like some changes going through the wrong puberty.

And by luck we live in an era where it's all available medically, and is done safely and with strict oversight.

Repeating, this is STATUTORY

when supporting a gender questioning child, schools should take a
cautious approach and consider the broad range of their individual needs, in
partnership with the child’s parents

It hasn’t c and p well, that’s just from kcsie

However, the Cass review identified that caution is necessary for children
questioning their gender as there remain many unknowns about the impact of
social transition and children may well have wider vulnerabilities, including having
complex mental health and psychosocial needs, and in some cases additional
diagnoses of autism and/or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

206. It recommended that when families/carers are making decisions about support for gender questioning children, they should be encouraged to seek clinical help and advice. When parents are supporting pre-pubertal children, clinical services should ensure that they can be seen as early as possible by a clinical professional with relevant experience.

As such, when supporting a gender questioning child, schools should take a
cautious approach and consider the broad range of their individual needs, in
partnership with the child’s parents (other than in the exceptionally rare
circumstances where involving parents would constitute a significant risk of harm to
the child), including any clinical advice that is available and how to address wider
vulnerabilities such as the risk of bullying.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/68add931969253904d155860/Keeping_children_safe_in_education_from_1_September_2025.pdf

They are breaking the safeguarding statutory guidelines

point 205, 206 and 207 in particular

basically you’ll be forced to take legal action for failing to do their legal safeguarding duty

Find the right school policy for complaints and follow the school’s complaint processes to a T.

However I’d also point out to them that as they’re breaking KCSiE 2025 you may find you need to give Ofsted a call

Can you tell her that you will change if she changes and that she has to call you dad? Autistic people hate changes and maybe she will see how absurd it is because she wouldn't want you to change.

Also, tell her that it's very limiting to consider herself as man/female and that she would be freer defining herself as a human being free to love any other human being regardless of their sex.

I agree. And this :
"We focussed on developing her as a person, her hobbies, her interests, her personal relationships, her connection with us as her parents. Anything that gave her a deeper sense of her strengths and who she was as a person and her purpose we built on" is critical.

This ideology turns the young in on themselves promoting an unhealthy obsession about superficial looks, language and "identity" and how others perceive them. Often before their character / personality are fully developed. And many young people have yet to fully develop the insight, awareness and critical thinking that's vital in defending themselves against age inappropriate beliefs about sex change.

If it helps, I do know of two parents who specifically wrote things into the ehcp to protect them from over zealous staff.

To our surprise (my DH and me), our college did not change our daughter's name at 16 when she asked at the beginning of the school year. They still require parental consent. We had a scary meeting with three of her teachers, but they understood our concerns and our idea of keeping options open.
We're working on our connection with her and on experiences that make her self esteem grow and widen her horizons. It's a hard road and it takes time (we're in it since three years).
Try not to panic, if she relies so much on you for her medical appointments, it's unlikely she will take immediate medical steps. A big hug!

Hi OP you have parental responsibility till the age of 18 in England. They do not

And EHCPS can be extended to age 25

My daughter and a group of friends all decided they were trans just after lockdowns. There is ND in the family and she has traits but also there was significant trauma going on from serious criminal behaviour in the wider family that meant we had to go NC with people she loved.

We had 3 ish years of GD. Like you at the time I was GC but I realised quickly that was very alienating for my daughter so I set that to one side and we worked together on what she was feeling and addressing her issues she was experiencing together.

We focussed on developing her as a person, her hobbies, her interests, her personal relationships, her connection with us as her parents. Anything that gave her a deeper sense of her strengths and who she was as a person and her purpose we built on.

She slowly dropped her trans name, her pronouns etc and now if we speak about it for her it is all in the past. This is the same for all bar one of the very large group, a person who early on in the experience DD almost idolised as a person.

DD is actually surprisingly very girlie girl now and she is a very self assured, popular young woman of similar age to your daughter.

She is also straight whereas she had a girl friend when she was trans. Honestly though that wouldn’t remotely bother us because our only concern with trans at all is that for ever more you would have to live with the painful cognitive dissonance of being one thing and believing you are something else which is going to deeply damage anyone’s psyche longer term.