URGENT help needed please re college socially transitioning daughter

She’s over 16 so you need to stop burying your head and listen to her. Rather than being angry about the name, the approach I would use is to accept her non binary identity and stress she can dress, use her preferred name etc without hormones or surgery. It’s not a case of either or, meet her half way. You pushing against her non binary is making her strive to push further down the path. I know a lovely young lady who at 16 was like your dd but now at 25 is a happy, intact female speaking gay woman, and not even got short hair, it took her around 5 years to work out her true identity

The thing that helped my DD was connections and activities that had nothing to do with the trans stuff. Holidays, theatre, stuff together - she wouldn’t do sporty healthy things but I think that would have really helped. She’s sort of through it now and out the other side but I’m always scared that activists could pull her back in. I hope your DD escapes too.

Same here. It took us a long time to get to the point when she would join us and we needed several back up plans. I remember one skiing holiday where my husband and I had already agreed in advance who was going on holiday with everyone else and who would go home with her if she didn't feel she could go. Whilst at the airport gate she said she couldn't do it, so we calmly put the plan into place. Whilst I was queuing up with the others to get on the plane (on that occasion I was the chosen "winner" of the holiday), she and her dad appeared in the queue. It's only recently that we have felt more confident making plans for holidays. Mostly the connections and activities have been much smaller - more everyday stuff, like playing card games or chatting about all sorts of different things on car journeys. Even that took time. She's been slowly rediscovering her enjoyment of various hobbies in this time too.

We've shifted from a time when she couldn't leave the house - sometimes couldn't even leave her bedroom - and was regularly violent at home to a much better place now. I now understand that this is a far more common experience than I had realised when a teenager is in crisis. It's been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least but we're getting there. We still do have setbacks and her mental health is still fragile (she really struggles with the nuances of friendship and feels like she has no friends 😞), but the direction of travel is positive. Making space for those connections has been an incredibly important part of it.

When we get posters like the ones on this thread (and worse still when those kind of opinions impact your child IRL, such as the what is happening to the OP's daughter right now), it really does highlight how some people are either utterly ignorant or nefariously determined to sever these connections and frame loving, caring parents as harmful.

Edited for clarity.

Sending love OP. I was there with my DD (also ASD, also had male pronouns/name on her EHCP) and yes I deal with all of the things that you do for her. Kids with autism really are a few years younger than their peers in terms of emotional maturity.

The thing that helped my DD was connections and activities that had nothing to do with the trans stuff. Holidays, theatre, stuff together - she wouldn’t do sporty healthy things but I think that would have really helped. She’s sort of through it now and out the other side but I’m always scared that activists could pull her back in. I hope your DD escapes too.

OP, re this thread and article...

I appreciate it doesn't help the immediate situation but hopefully reading this kind of thing helps to demonstrate that you're not alone 💐

I didn't actually join Bayswater, mainly because my daughter never got as far as identifying as the opposite sex. She spent a lot of time thinking that she might be and is still at significant risk of her school and the LA coercing her into believing that she is.

I appreciate I'm not at the sharp end in the same way that you are but one of the hardest parts in all of this for me is that there seems to be an assumption that once your child turns 16, they need to be listened to without scrutiny of any kind. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard that "her voice is important here". Yes, of course it is and yes of course that means listening to how she views the world. But it feels like far too many professionals are forgetting that a 16 year old is a child and that autistic children are at greater risk than others when it comes to this whole subject. That's precisely why the KCSIE guidance calls it out and precisely why it's a legal requirement for schools to embed this understanding in their safeguarding.

The article in the linked thread explores this legislation and also brings in other laws/guidance that schools are meant to follow e.g. Teaching Standards and the Nolan Principles. Your daughter's college is demonstrating a failure to adhere to these too.

There is no such thing as a Trans child. This is a young person with mental health issues.

Safeguarding concern.

Also they are breaching data protection.

This thread and article is incredibly important here

theres a truly awful post by a mother who lost her connection to her child as her ex and the school supported the transition

if services had a unanimous agreement (as they should now, post Cass) there might be more opportunities to help a child navigate this distress more carefully

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5461660-parebts-who-questioned-affirmative-approaches-felt-threatened-by-childrens-services?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Which is why the college is at such serious fault here. And it must be pointed out to them as they have socially transitioned the child on legal documents.

There’s clear guidance in kcsie.

I do understand this perspective, and I can’t imagine how incredibly hard it is - as connection is the most important aspect here.

my point is that if the schools and colleges said a blank no,(citing the law) a parent who was allowing different names at home would be seen as more onside than the school to that young person. Even if their ultimate aim to steer their child away from the ideology.

The school (and all the other services) is creating a wedge between the parents and the child. A wedge that further pushes the child towards an ideology. Further weakens the parent’s nuanced methods of maintaining connection whilst simultaneously aiming to steer within boundaries.

this is exactly what trans charities have aimed for. Get the schools and professions on side, peel the child away from their parents.

the EHCP is a legal document too - the child’s legal name should be on it. It would be possible to explain this and blame it on the law.

Excellent post.

And finally (sorry about the mass download!)...... Yes to everything that WarriorN is saying about safeguarding law.

The college is failing to follow the KCSIE guidance. It is breaking the law.

It's such a shit situation, OP. Sending more hugs 💐💐 and some 💪💪

I'm afraid that is the most generous interpretation.

There are also a lot of narcs out there who actively enjoy coercion, bullying, and attack.

I would echo this from my own experience. But it's about both: focusing on connection whilst also tackling what's going on at the school/college.

Young people take control of their own ehc at 16 and the staff at the LA will put whatever she tells them on the forms tbh. They will not defer to you.

Sadly yes. But even though that's the case, it's still possible to have positive conversations with the various teams that support your child. My daughter is 16 now and the LA is being a nightmare about the EHCP. I'm in a really weird position where a) we've now got a really good SALT and OT approach directly with those teams. opened a dialogue with each of them, that essentially centred around asking them to remember what they know about autism and puberty (see above re body disassociation and cognitive processing) - it wasn't quite that simple but that's the crux of it while b) I'm having to challenge the LA, who are refusing to put any of it actually in the EHCP. All with the added "fun" that the school seems as determined as some posters on this thread to frame lack of belief in gender identity as somehow harmful to my child.

From my experience, OP, it's not easy but there are definitely professionals out there who really do remember their training regarding autism once you give them a nudge to do so. I've never told any of them what to do, I've just asked questions which tapped into what they already knew.

They don't speak out with care, just with set driven agenda.

The "set driven agenda" here is to support an autistic child.

To recognise that puberty is potentially a distressing time, with breast development and periods to contend with (both of which can lead to sensory issues) and the discombobulation of a changing body and changing emotions. Also the changing reactions of boys, who were previously peers and equals, to girls - at around 14, en masse boys suddenly start lusting after girls. Often with lots of unhelpful and sometimes disgusting commentary. Not every boy and not every girl, obviously. But enough to make someone who is already feeling uncomfortable potentially feel more so.

That's the body disassociation aspect.

Then there's the cognitive processing. What if you've never really "felt" like a girl because you don't really know what that's "supposed" to feel like (spoiler: there's no right way to feel) and you've got "helpful" adults telling you that perhaps your preference for short hair and possible emerging sexual attraction towards girls (add as many more stereotypes as you like about how to "be" a boy)..... mean that maybe you're not actually a girl at all.

That's the cognitive processing aspect.

And no, it's not ableist or transphobic. It's supporting an autistic girl through a really difficult time in life in the face of professionals Iike teachers, who should know better, actively signposting children towards harm and actively telling those children that their parents are harmful to them because "There is not an inch of consideration for what he wants here," etc etc. What a child "wants" (or believe they want because adults have signposted them towards it) and what a child needs are not always the same thing. Knowing this is called being a parent.

"if they are actually trans..."

We often hear this distinction between 'just confused' and 'genuinely trans' glibly trotted out, but what does 'actually trans' even mean?

I understand the quoting of the law etc -i'm just being realistic about how colleges and local authorities operate with 16+ young people, which means they increasingly listen to the yp and not to the parents. Some yp are very happy for their parents to be involved but others are not, and there will be young people in between.

And soon the yp will be 18. Then what?

A friend of mines son (asd) decided aged 18 out of the blue that he didn't want to have anything to do with his parents any more due to a perceived slight, and the disability team organised accommodation for him, sorted out all his admin, benefits etc and would not tell his parents where he was because he refused to let them know.

It is perverse, because an able 18 year old would have no chance of council accommodation and would still be living at home with parents, but yp with ehc plans actually have a lot of personal power (luckily most of them don't realise this).

I used to work supporting parents with ehc plans and honestly, the options available to unhappy 18 year olds with a plan are considerable. Parents really need to keep their yp on side if they don't want a stand off which they can't win.

In Cass review, a child is someone under 18.

@ConcernedmumofTIF Bayswater, Our Duty and Genspect all have excellent parent support groups for parents in your position.

Key legal duties, government guidance and best practice, relevant to your situation, are:

• Keeping Children Safe in Education (2025)
• Draft Government Guidance for Gender Questioning Children (2023)
• Hilary Cass Review of child gender services (2024)

Some quotes.

Cass review:
“The systematic review showed no clear evidence that social transition in childhood has any positive or negative mental health outcomes, and relatively weak evidence for any effect in adolescence. However, those who had socially transitioned at an earlier age and/or prior to being seen in clinic were more likely to proceed to a medical pathway. (p31)”

KCSiE
"the Cass review identified that caution is necessary for children questioning their gender as there remain many unknowns about the impact of social transition and children may well have wider vulnerabilities, including having complex mental health and psychosocial needs, and in some cases additional diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and/or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.”

Draft Government Guidance for Gender Questioning Children states:
“Other pupils, parents and teachers may hold protected religious or other beliefs that conflict with the decision that the school or college has made, these are legitimate views that must be respected. (p11)”

Feel free to DM me if you'd like more info.

Hell yeah.

Behaving sensibly is going along with a young person's wish to have a double mastectomy. It does not MATTER that her brain is not yet totally formed.

How dare these helicopter TERF mums on here suggest interfering and not listen to good old, sound male advice?

Pond scum.

💯

Thank you for keeping on about this @WarriorN. Safeguarding children is what everyone should be doing. Adults with an agenda have no business intervening in children / young people's lives to try to mould them to suit their niche ideology.

There's a nasty strand of coercive control and bullying as perfectly showcased earlier in this thread by a poster with a personal agenda.

The fact that safeguarding - in schools, colleges and everywhere young people gather - is repeatedly deprioritised in favour of supposed inclusion is shameful. But as we see, self interested individuals see nothing wrong in attacking and trying to intimidate parents who love their children and are scared about how vulnerable they are to gaslighting by a dangerous to the young ideology.

Even on Mumsnet.

my issue here is that the college should NOT be putting any child or parent in this situation

they MUST follow kcsie

this is their safeguarding duty

the safeguarding processes have failed here. They do not understand Cass nor kcsie

this is entirely besides what a parent may do with their child in terms of perhaps giving some leeway around the name aspect to keep the connection healthy and communication open.

The parent has the parental responsibility here.

NOT the school.

@ConcernedmumofTIF have sent a pm

I bet some idiot has decided that now she’s 16 and so more involved with her own ehcp, they’ll stick this new identity name on the ehcp.

it’s bonkers from a legal and safeguarding pov as she’s not legally changed her name. All her documents should be in her legal name, for safeguarding and, obviously, legal reasons. I can think of any number of issues with doing this in terms of tracking records and needs.