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Original poster

She/hers everyhere on event programme i'm attending, what do I do?

86 replies

Cerialkiller · 19/11/2025 09:42

I casually agreed to meet a relative at a local education conference later today, she is one of the speakers. she booked me in, all good. Just gone through the programme and everyone has pronouns and suddenly im gripped with uncertainty about going.

I can't make a scene as its her event but everyone will have name badges including me and it didn't even occur to me that this would come up. I work from home freelance in a pretty male dominated industry so thought I had avoided all this shit!

Any ideas how I can carefully avoid she/her pronouns without making it a big deal? Not just the badge but if it comes up in conversation. I'm really afraid I'll say something sensible out loud, acidentally that's against dogma and out myself. Whats worse it that my relative is a big TRA supported, manages to shoehorn it into most conversations. I think she suspects im at the very least not as into it as she is but this is really not the time or place to get into it.

My current plan is to go late, meet her for lunch, stay for her talk and then make an excuse to run off. If things run late then I'll have to make a dash to pick up the kids anyway. Otherwise do a lot of nodding and smiling. The name badge will deal with when I get there.

I'm now wishing I hadn't spent the last couple of days catching up on all the videos from the genspec conference as its just entrenching my principles. I don't think I can put she/her on the badge, I just can't.

I hope i'm making a bigger deal about this then it is, my stomach just dropped when I saw it. I have zero practice with this, i'm also super awkward and struggle to lie off the cuff.

OP posts:
Greyskybluesky · 19/11/2025 10:03

Cerialkiller · 19/11/2025 09:56

Thanks, you're all probabaly right i'm over reacting. I have foot in mouth syndrome at the best of times is the thing. Perhaps the best advice is just to keep my mouth shut!

I empathise though. I went to a trans-adjacent event at a university. I decided to go "stealth" 😄I didn't give away my opinions at all. I wanted to hear some robust arguments from the "other side" (I'm always on the hunt for solid arguments, haven't found any yet). I wanted people to speak freely with me, which they wouldn't have done if they'd known I'm not a believer in TRA ideology.

To avoid things like the name badge pronouns, I find it helpful to couch your objection in the gentle language of the event, so "I don't feel comfortable with it" rather than "no bloody way!" 😃

Original poster
Cerialkiller · 19/11/2025 09:59

Oh god. PP mentioned toilets.... thats a whole other thing.

OP posts:
ScaryM0nster · 19/11/2025 09:58

I think youre imagining problems where Theyre unlikely to exist.

The age old line used with children applies to adults too. If you don’t have anything constructive to say, you dont need to say anything. It’s an excellent way to avoid developing an antagonising discussion.

Original poster
Cerialkiller · 19/11/2025 09:56

helluvatime · 19/11/2025 09:56

Honestly? Nobody will say anything. If on the offchance they do, just lean in and tell them that it is not considered inclusive where you work to declare pronouns and refuse to elaborate.

Like this alot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cerialkiller · 19/11/2025 09:56

Thanks, you're all probabaly right i'm over reacting. I have foot in mouth syndrome at the best of times is the thing. Perhaps the best advice is just to keep my mouth shut!

OP posts:
helluvatime · 19/11/2025 09:56

Honestly? Nobody will say anything. If on the offchance they do, just lean in and tell them that it is not considered inclusive where you work to declare pronouns and refuse to elaborate.

NowYouSee · 19/11/2025 09:54

I would think about having a handful of standard phrases that you could use if trans/sex based rights issues come up and you don’t want to get drawn it. Stuff like
“it is certainly a challenging area”

if it gets trickier then just say “good to speak, you’ll have to excuse me” and head to the toilets.

Zimunya · 19/11/2025 09:52

HelenaWaiting · 19/11/2025 09:49

If it's pre-printed on your name badge I would just live with it for the day. If anyone asks, I always say "You. When you're talking to me I prefer you to refer to me as you". If they ask what to use when they're talking about me I say I have no preference. Why these people need to control how people refer to them when they're not there is a question still awaiting an answer.

Love this. Very wise.

OP - I also laughed out loud at "I'm really afraid I'll say something sensible out loud" - very good.

HelenaWaiting · 19/11/2025 09:49

If it's pre-printed on your name badge I would just live with it for the day. If anyone asks, I always say "You. When you're talking to me I prefer you to refer to me as you". If they ask what to use when they're talking about me I say I have no preference. Why these people need to control how people refer to them when they're not there is a question still awaiting an answer.

Bagsintheboot · 19/11/2025 09:49

I highly doubt it will come up in conversation to be honest. Most of the conversation will be small talk and about the speakers topics, like all conferences.

I think you're worrying unnecessarily. If it does come up in conversation just say you'd rather not get into it.

Greyskybluesky · 19/11/2025 09:48

Any ideas how I can carefully avoid she/her pronouns without making it a big deal?

If you mean the badge, presumably they write your pronouns on it when you're there (otherwise they would be assuming your sex from your name) so simply say you'd be more comfortable not having pronouns on it.

I'm really afraid I'll say something sensible out loud, acidentally that's against dogma and out myself.

"Out" yourself as what? A believer in reality? Just go, listen, form your own opinions and then go home. You are overthinking it a bit.