Teacher asked DD how she IDs

Thanks so much for this important view point

Its not about the daughter 'finding it upsetting' (which suggests you think that she's being over sensitive). The point is teachers are not supposed to question pupils about their gender identity.

There are guidelines about not pushing / promoting this ideology to kids.

You are missing the point.

The teacher is not 'being kind' they are failing at safeguarding.

Secondary teacher of 30 plus years here. This is definitely a safeguarding issue and needs to be reported. Senior management can have suspicions about a teacher behaving inappropriately but lack concrete evidence to act. A complaint from a parent can be exactly what they need. At best, the teacher has been naive and a gentle but firm word from a Senior Manager will help them to be a better teacher in future.
I often see parents on MN concerned that their child might be penalised at school if the parent complains. My experience is that, firstly, any complaints are dealt with on a strict need to know basis and, secondly, most teachers are proud professionals who would never let their opinions (good or bad) of a parent shape their relationship with a pupil.

Personally I would make a complaint of sexism.

It's true the teacher was probably well meaning. But she needs to be brought up sharpish.

I think I would also add in that the follow up questions were asked in front of other pupils, which opens your daughter up to further pressure or even bullying.

That email is great.

Yes, raising it as a safeguarding concern is better than raising it as a complaint.

It absolutely is grooming. Schools can recognise this type of behaviour when it comes to county lines and religious extremism but appear to have a collective blind spot on what happens when a child is groomed into the belief that everyone has a gender identity. It's entirely possible that the teacher thinks this is a moral crusade and she/he is saving a child's life but the motivation for the grooming is immaterial when it's about leading a child down a pathway that can cause harm (religious cults like in Jonestown and Waco are good examples of why motivation is irrelevant where someone is at risk of harm).

One suggested tweak: when referring to stereotypes, it's worth adding the current RSE guidance (as per WeMeetIn..'s comment) as well as the Equality Act.

Definitely complain. I do think though that the teacher was coming from a good place, these people genuinely think they are on the right side of history and they don't realise just how regressive and sexist they are being.

So it’s fine for the teacher to judge her identity based on her clothes and length of her hair? It’s ludicrous. People can wear what they like it’s 2025!

Its a great letter OP

maybe your DD also needs some snappy comebacks
difficult with a teacher who is in authority...maybe she could have said
'I already told you, I'm a girl'
'why are you asking me that? because I've got short hair? girls can have short hair...and wear trousers. Also, they can play football and rugby I've heard...imagine that!'

It also directly contradicts what is made very clear in the RSE curriculum

You should not reinforce harmful stereotypes, for instance by suggesting that children might be a different gender based on their personality and interests or the clothes they prefer to wear.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/plan-your-relationships-sex-and-health-curriculum

This. Although, I would caveat it by saying that if my child didn't want me to complain about a teacher, I wouldn't.

My short-haired daughter was taught "gender neutral" pronouns by the French teacher when she was actively gender questioning 3 years ago and her sister's Spanish teacher was almost insistent that she (younger sister) would be better off referring to her sister with gender neutral pronouns - the question "are you sure she's not non-binary?" was asked. I respected my daughters' wishes not to complain but, through various conversations, I was subsequently able to secure the removal of all the trans pronoun posters in the language corridor and rooms. Sadly, the school still supports teachers sharing their preferred pronouns with children because its lawyers told them it is their "freedom of expression" to do so.... and things have gone from bad to worse when it comes to getting the school to follow safeguarding legislation... but that's another story. On a plus note, so far I've been able to make enough headway to keep my daughter safe.

If you do complain, I would point to it being against safeguarding legislation and Teachers' Standards, both of which are statutory, given teachers should know that:

a) if a child is gender questioning they are at risk as per paras 204-208 of the statutory safeguarding guidance for schools (Keeping Children Safe In Education 2025). So by definition, actively seeking to signpost a child to become gender questioning, simply because she has short hair (?!), is a safeguarding risk
b) it is important to recognise the impact of sharing a personal belief with a vulnerable child - as a school child, she is vulnerable to being coerced by an adult into a belief system that can quickly lead to a pathway of harm (the KCSIE safeguarding guidance cites the Cass Report, which makes it clear that social transition is not a neutral act and can lead to a pathway of medical intervention).

From Teachers' Standards (bold is mine):

ensuring that personal beliefs are not expressed in ways which exploit
pupils’ vulnerability or might lead them to break the law.

But what if the pals weren’t actually pals and daughter didn’t feel comfortable sharing in front of them or was going all with their comments to save face ? It seems like the teacher didn’t know your daughter so wouldn’t know her friends

ultimately you have to follow up with school/ your daughter however works best for you and you daughter, and if you do feel strongly send an email - if you’re not sure it should be a complaint I suppose you could just feed it back that she felt uncomfortable

I’m not sure that the teacher was being purposefully upsetting from what I understand from your posts , but I hope you reach a conclusion that your daughters comfortable with

I took it to mean when children question her she is clear to them that she’s a girl. My daughter gets questioned by other children regularly and she is also clear that she’s a girl.

@S1894PCohen I applaud you standing up to this nonsense and please let us know what they say. I'd advise on my own experience to keep this in writing, not face to face or phone calls...

DD says this teacher flies a pink and blue flag above her desk...

This is inappropriate too.

@S1894PCohen - I would definitely complain. A teacher should not be initiating conversations with children about “identity,” still less suggesting to a child who is comfortable in her sex that she might be something else. That is not safeguarding, it’s grooming behaviour dressed up as kindness.

The Department for Education has been clear that schools may teach about gender identity, but must not present it as fact or encourage children to question their own sex. The Cass Review was explicit that reinforcing gender stereotypes risks harming children, especially girls who don’t conform to them.

If it were my child, I would send a formal safeguarding complaint to the Headteacher and the Designated Safeguarding Lead, asking:

• Why a teacher was asking a child private questions about her “identity”;
• What training this teacher has received and whether it is compliant with DfE and EHRC guidance;
• What steps the school is taking to ensure staff do not promote contested ideology to children;
• How they will ensure my child is not singled out again in this way.

Keep it polite but firm. Schools have a safeguarding duty, and the teacher’s actions here fall far outside what’s appropriate.

Something like....

Subject: Safeguarding concern, inappropriate questioning of my daughter

Dear (heads name, safeguarding head name)

I am writing to raise a formal safeguarding concern about an incident this week involving teacher X

My daughter, X, was mistaken for a boy in class. After clarifying that she is a girl, she was taken aside at the end of the lesson and asked by the teacher “how she identifies” and whether she had “ever identified as anything other than a girl.”

This is wholly inappropriate for several reasons:
• It is not the role of a teacher to raise such questions with a child.
• The Department for Education and the Cass Review have both been clear that gender identity is a contested belief, and must not be promoted in schools or presented as fact.
• Singling out a child in this way risks confusion, distress, and amounts to reinforcing gender stereotypes, which the Equality Act (2010) specifically prohibits.
• This is a safeguarding issue. No member of staff should be probing a child about their “identity” in private or encouraging them to question whether they are male or female.

I ask that the school urgently confirm:
1. What action will be taken to ensure this does not happen again.
2. What training staff have received on the teaching of sex and gender, and whether it complies with statutory guidance and the Cass Review.
3. What steps the school will take to protect my daughter from being singled out in this way again.

Please treat this as a formal safeguarding matter and respond in writing.

Yours sincerely,

Drop them an email and see what happens. That teacher has done it to other children......

it that instance I can understand why she would have a quiet conversation with her without other kids present.

She said that another child was present.

I think I'd feel like the teacher was saying that I wasn't "girly enough" to be a girl.

And I remember feeling like that.

I mean, is the teacher saying she looks like a boy?

maybe it wasn’t done in the most sensitive way, but I wonder if the teacher wanted to double check with her , just incase the other children that said she was a girl had it wrong / where being unkind.
it that instance I can understand why she would have a quiet conversation with her without other kids present.

so long as she doesn’t call her a boy again I would imagine that it’s matter closed .

I think you would be upset if the other kids had told the teacher the wrong thing and she didn’t bother to check with your daughter.

the flag thing is odd though . I wonder if they are trying to be supportive of someone.