TBF I'm past being surprised when people assume my daughter is a boy.

Back in the 80/90s it would have been amazing to be one of those girls who got briefly mistaken for a boy, I'm sure. Short hair and androgynyous clothing were a great way to bust stereotypes and briefly have some people wondering if they were in fact boys.

Sadly these days anyone thinking they might be has been trained to assume that the kindest thing to do is tell them that if they believe they are, they really are boys. And don't worry, you don't need to think about chopping off body parts or shortening your life expectancy by permanently damaging your body with steroids until you're a bit more sure that you are your true authentic self.

Apparently this is progress.

How appalling - I am sorry this has happened to you.

❤️ It was incredibly stressful. Particularly the first time when it was a bolt from the blue. The safeguarding leadership had decided not to liaise with the senior member of staff who had been supporting me (who is also a member of the safeguarding team) for 18 months so were completely oblivious to all the clinical help my daughter had already had to support her autism-related puberty distress, the courses my husband and I had been on after self-referring to CS to get support for the whole family during my daughter's violent mental health breakdown etc. CS closed the case almost immediately (which was good for my nerves!) when they could see what we already had in progress. I have a ridiculous email chain between the DDSL and me where she keeps saying "oh, I didn't were doing that"....

On the second occasion I was more mentally prepared for it as relations with the DSL had already broken down. By this point I told the Head that I had "lost trust and faith in the safeguarding leadership team" (I could fill a thread with why). It was on that second occasion that I asked them to keep the case open.

The result the first time was a 27 page report that affirmed me and DH as engaged and supportive parent

💪💪💪❤️

I didn't get this but we did get a written clean bill of health as parents. Also I think both our caseworker and her boss got quite an eye opener into just how dangerous gender identity belief is for vulnerable children.

I don't know about the boss' opening thoughts, as we were well into lots of in depth conversations by the time I finally met her, but the (genuinely lovely) case worker started off by telling me how proud she was of all the "trans children" she had helped and how important it was to take things one step at a time... and how she had help guide them on when they were ready to change their pronouns etc.... We had some very interesting calls where I think she came to the conclusion (of her own volition) that perhaps this wasn't the best way to approach it after all...

At one point it nearly went awry, when for no apparent reason our case got reassigned.... The first I knew of it was a phone call where someone introduced herself as my new social worker... And then proceeded to check that I would be using my daughter's preferred pronouns 🤦‍♀️ I asked why we had been reassigned to her and apparently it was because we "weren't making any progress". I happily informed her that we were making great progress, so we got reassigned back to the original case worker. It was about a week after that that I met the boss on the original team (at my request, mostly to talk about why the progress had been so positive). Fun times...

Same way long hair apparently makes you a girl

What a stupid comment. When I was at school in the 80s / 90s, about half the girls in my classes had short hair. Nobody talked rubbish about them identifying as boys.

How is wearing trousers and having short hair dressing like a boy?

Aren't you glad we grew up in earlier times? In the 90s we were allowed to have short hair and be androgynous! Looking forward for that trend to come back.

Dresses like a boy no shock that people mistake them for a boy!

Yes, experienced similar response from someone at my DD’s [private] school reporting me. 3month 360 assessment, home visits, interviews with my kids in private in their bedrooms etc. Fortunately I had a degree in psychology, was an ex teacher and child development pseudo-expert so was able to stand my ground and knew more about autism, teen development and transgender issues than they did. I may have ‘peaked’ one of them. The result the first time was a 27 page report that affirmed me and DH as engaged and supportive parent. The second time was shorter, but reaffirmed. They closed the case at that stage and apologised.

But, yes, I’d be prepared for it, even though the Cass report and current guidance should mean that the first line of enquiry for the school and Board of Governors is to discipline the teacher. The general rule should be that unless the child expresses distress, is exhibiting problem behaviours, and there has been a multi-staff meeting to discuss those concerns, then a staff member has absolutely no authority to approach a child in this way.

OP, as much as I stand by your choice to call gender identity out as bollocks, the PP above is a good example of what you might find at the school if there is an activist element within the safeguarding/senior leadership team.

It sounds like your daughter is not at risk of becoming gender questioning but it might be worth bracing yourself in case the school decides to manage you as a potential domestic abuser who is enforcing your beliefs and values on your daughter. Yes, I appreciate that sounds ridiculous (and your "belief" is that sex is real and factual ... and your values that your daughter can have short hair if she wants)...... but if they are activist, they likely won't see it that way. They'll likely assume they are saving your daughter from you and will most likely start by reporting you to Children's Services.

I'm not trying to alarm you but it's definitely worth being prepared for it. In my case, I didn't call it bollocks to believe in gendered souls, I put it on par with other beliefs that contradict scientific knowledge about biology and which some people hold (e.g. the idea that it's possible for a child to be conceived without sperm to a virgin mother)... and made it very clear that I am happy for my daughter to have short hair, wear clothes from the boys' section etc. Yet I have so far been reported twice to Children's Services as a risk to my daughter 🤦‍♀️

On both occasions I was told by CS that I was not. On the second occasion I asked for them to keep the case open for longer so that they could see for themselves that the referral made no sense.

Did you bother reading the thread, or at minimum Op’s posts? Op did make it very clear it was DD that also had an issue with it:

”DD was actually mortified. She shrugs off other kids' nonsense but it's different coming from a teacher. It was said in front of another kid too!”

and then

“…What's really ground her gears in this instance, is that the teacher persisted in questioning her about gender ID, even though she'd been told DD is a girl.“

Good for you putting in a complaint, OP. Despite some posters here tying themselves in knots trying to explain why the teacher might have persisted, she should have stopped asking once she had been told clearly that your DD was a girl and not given any further info like 'but I call myself Simon and I think I'm really a boy.'

Then complain - you didn’t state that she was furious, only that YOU were.

As a teacher, I once called a boy a girl because I was looking at the back of his head and he had long hair. Of course I apologised soon as he turned around!!

Mistakes can be made, as long as they are corrected. The issue I would have is that teacher questioned student afterwards, that’s where potentially a line has been crossed, if your daughter felt uncomfortable anyway?
It does sound like you take more issue with it than her though?
Let her lead on this.

I would complain. My DD is similar with short hair and will only wear trousers. She had been called male by a teacher and some kids asked her if she was trans. I emailed the student manager to tell her to ensure no teachers call her a boy. In her case I think the teachers may have made an error and hadn’t got a clue who was in their class but again how backwards are we in 2025 that short hair and trousers = male?? When I was at school there were loads of girls with short hairstyles.

My guess is that this teacher is not one who would extend a presumption to goodwill to others who had double checked the identity of a gender questioning child.

She didn’t even meet the standards of her own internal logic where you are supposed to immediately validate the child’s identity. (Otherwise they’ll commit suicide).
So she’s a hypocrite as well as everything else.

Methinks some posters need an emotional support pal #BeKind

This woke nonsense does not belong in schools.

kind

😁

Yes, they really are.

A mindset that believes in an individual’s right to belief, but that that has a personal belief system that clearly values science and reality over lying to children. A parent that considers safeguarding important and permits her daughter to be unashamedly herself, without suggesting she is anything other than the girl she is because she happens to like trousers and short hair. A parent that stands up for her daughter when she has been made uncomfortable by a teacher who acted in breach of guidelines.

Brava, Op 👏 best of luck with the complaint

How old is your DD? It sounds as though she is reasonably assertive and confident in her style etc. After you’ve complained about the teacher, is it worth rehearsing some lines for DD to use beyond just I’m a girl so this stuff doesn’t keep cropping up through her secondary school career?
My DS had similar the other way round for a while as he has long hair