Middle aged brothers suddenly finding a trans identity

Thank goodness for MN and for this thread.

I’ve lurked on the trans widows threads to try to make sense of my family dynamic but didn’t want to intrude on them. Having a trans sibling is its own thing entirely and so much of this is ringing true.

I’m still figuring out how to navigate my situation and haven’t got much wisdom to add, but as with so many tricky situations in my adult life, I’m grateful for the wise women who are a few steps ahead and generous enough to share their experience.

Thank you

Sounds like a chat between friends?

If not, sounds like a drugged up mixed up family messy issues. Sorry for all

One of my neighbours is a gruff Irish builder in his early 60s and came out at trans a few years back. I don't think it's a fefish. He's had a boob job and facial surgery and claims he 'always knew he was a woman'.

I agree with others saying you and your mother shouldn't have to tiptoe around your brother. But you also have to be careful. Such people can turn aggressive and the weird cocktail of legal and illegal drugs can be explosive. I would not blame you if you kept your distance.

I did say the Western world. It’s not unusual in that you see such men on a regular basis, even in this country. In the USA, it’s nearer 15%, whereas it’s only 1% of women.

Even so, someone over six feet tall is more likely to be a man than a woman. Height matters.

@borntobequiet Being over six foot isn’t unusual for a man in the Western world

False. Globally, only about 5% of men at most are 6 foot or taller.

I would also say that nothing you do with ever be good enough either because it's not about identity at all. It is about power and control.

Worse still as a sister or mother you often represent the very thing that these men can't be, and they hate you for that because of their own jealousy. Thus trying to constantly please and appease becomes something of a fools errand.

It's difficult but do take a long hard look at the dynamics and realise that you own emotional well being matters too. It's ok to refuse to be someone else's emotional punching bag. You can't help everyone and sometimes, especially when it's family, the best thing you can do is acknowledge this and acknowledge that you are never going to be able to give the support they desire because it's an impossible task.

Ultimately people have to realise that other people can't do all the emotional work. At some point they themselves have to decide to take responsibility for themselves and their actions. If they are constantly lashing out at loved ones then the consequences might be family take a step back and leave a gap for professionals to fill because the family simply do not have the capacity and ability to prove that support in a way that is constructive and doesn't harm them.

Quite.

Enabling it makes the problem worse and it is to your detriment.

I would encourage others in this situation to take a long hard look at this dynamic.

Would you tolerate your brother being an incel? If not why not? And how is it different?

At some point you matter, and if you enable it because of fear of being labelled as transphobic, it's not a good reason.

I learnt early on that the shame and guilt was a powerful motivation but realised it's abusive behaviour and you have a right not to accept the behaviour. This is different to rejecting the identity.

I stress a lot on these threads to focus on behaviour not identity. If we are talking about equality, would you tolerate that behaviour from someone else behaving in that way? Being blind to identity means you wouldn't make exceptions for unacceptable behaviour and the more you tolerate unacceptable behaviour without challenging it, due to identity the more problems you create for both yourself and society.

This isn't transphobic. This is about wanting to be treated with equal respect and this is a reasonable position to take.

It's creepy and I feel he's using us to get weird kicks from. It’s very controlling. You have to use only the words I tell you to use. You can only talk about the subjects that I say are permissible. What I say constitutes reality is the only acceptable form of truth. Driven by a desire for power. Not being able to accept the normal flow between two people is why they struggle with relationships and will likely never be happy. Including the young man I know.

Question.

Why do you facilitate and enable this?

Don’t be silly. Being over six foot isn’t unusual for a man in the Western world, but it is for a woman. Someone over six feet tall is much more likely to be a man than a woman. These everyday perceptions matter.

Yes, and the vast majority of actual men are a lot shorter than 6 ft too. So again, I'm not sure how height is relevant here.

Because the vast majority of actual women are a lot shorter than 6ft?

I’ve heard a lot of young men conceptualise it like this and it’s fairly obvious the young women often do too. They think their sex doesn’t fit them, like a star sign, and that they can opt out of it. They don’t have much idea about the lives of actual members of the opposite sex.

being comfortable as a male with long hair and makeup.

A young man I know, AuADHD and v v self centred, has ‘come out’ as not wanting to be a man. So therefore must be a woman. But when talking about this, it’s all tied up with not feeling like a man etc. The bandwidth of being male or female has considerably shortened and gender stereotypes ever more restrictive and reductive. Add in character traits of autism with black and white thinking and hyper focus becomes such a dangerous mix for young people. I can see this young man becoming even more confused, angry and miserable when identifying as a woman doesn’t bring him happiness or the gf he’s desperately seeking.

My friends son wanted to go on estrogen when he was depressed/struggling. It’s clearly perceived as a cure for mental health issues which frankly, is bananas.

@Transister My brother - a 6ft hetro sexual decided he was a trans woman a couple of years ago.

I'm not sure why his height is relevant.

Some GPs are on a ‘work to rule’ action via their union’s direction and one of the options in the union action is refusing any tasks that are usually seen as secondary or tertiary care (ie outside of the basic GP NHS contract).

Gender stuff is categorised as super specialist in England (because it’s funded from the top NHS England pot rather than via the local area budgets. This is why people seeking trans care can be referred to any gender clinic, excepting a few pilot services, rather than being referred to the nearest one. Nottingham is a big favourite because it has shorter waiting lists and does online appointments. It’s run by very activist-y clinicians).

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg3wgjkedzo

I've heard anecdotally that GPS are saying they aren't qualified to prescribe and that's why they are stopping. Maybe they feel like they can say this now, since the supreme court ruling.

Much here is familiar.

is this a new thing, I wonder, post Cass, post supreme court? This decision to refuse or stop oestrogen? My relative is early twenties so I figured age was a factor and irreversible damage/infertility. But your brother is middle aged. Have they stopped the oestrogen recently and did they say why? My relative has never had a relationship and wants bottom surgery. It’s baffling and heartbreaking.