Do you have an escape fund for your DD?

I don't, but have resources I could access if I needed to. My dad gave me a cheque for two grand once and I didn't tell DP 😂

My finances are completely private and so are DPs, I hope DS learns from this and builds his own life to serve his own needs first.

In my 'circles', most of us were over 30 when we had kids, and all of us went back to work. We all have supportive parents who love our partners but that would help us escape in the blink of an eye should it become necessary.

The key as always is education. People need to know their rights, and to learn categorically that despite the romcom industry, love is absolutely not enough. Moving in with a guy because you 'love him' is a fucking nonsense. So much more has to be in place before you chuck in your lot with another adult.

Never mind a divorce fund. Every person should have an emergency fund. Putting a bit away from every pay packet. Not buying a silly impulse purchase and putting the cash into savings instead. It's about teaching good habits and fiscal responsibility.

All my kids are women and I drilled this into them from childhood.

No, it's practical...

No but now you've said it, I will make one for her ( she's only 10 atm )

Actually disappointed I didn't even think about it tbh. I live in the area I'm in now because I moved fleeing DV when my DC 1 and 2

And that the best man in the world can get ill, develop dementia, fall prey to a conman etc, leaving financial chaos behind.

We are all advised to have a readily accessible fund of our own that will keep us going for three to six months - if anyone can help a family member to set up and sustain that then good.

It astonishes me that there are some people on this thread who really cannot understand that a woman who has been financially controlled by her abusive husband often cannot “just get a divorce.” Making any sort of move to leave is the point at which he is most likely to become violent. Please, spend some time on some of the other boards on MN where women are going through just this - and if, having done that, you still don’t understand, then you are supremely blinkered, lacking in any real imagination, or probably a man.

Women in that position need to be able to sneak away without him knowing, get completely away from him to where he cannot reach them, and then start divorce proceedings. To do this they need money, and if he is controlling, then it needs to be money that he knows nothing about.

Women down the centuries have known this, and have prepared for it. It is not new, it is not weird, it is survival.

Nonsense that it'll make it harder during divorce - unless you dont declare it and the court finds out. What matters is declaring all your assets at that time.

If you have a relationship in which you feel the need to do this then you should have already left.

If it later comes to divorce and your partner isn't demonstrably abusive or controlling and you've kept secret money like this then arguing your case for fair distribution of assets will be much harder.

Sadly I do.
My dd had made some odd choices in the distant past, traumatic enough that my mom (dd’s grandmother) set it up, I’ve added to it, kept it “for her”.
she’s aware of it.
Her partner is financially controlling and will prevent access to family funds on a whim. So in emergencies I can transfer her a bit.
She’s in the process of leaving the relationship, but it’s a slow process for several reasons. She’ll need it as a start up fund.

I'm not planning a separate fund but I will make sure she know we will always help her if she needs it.

I don’t mean to imply it’s weird. What I meant is if you didn’t see this in your extended family, you’d think it was weird. you can kind of see this with some of the reactions in this thread.

(and yes, saying a phenomenon is more prevalent in some groups doesn’t mean it’s absent in others. We must always talk to
our daughters about the male capacity for violence and how to protect ourselves)

I absolutely do. And she’s not even married yet

Do you think all the women on this thread who agree with this must have 'generational domestic violence' in their past then?

I do see what you mean to some extent, but plenty of women get abused with no history of violence

. It's v unhelpful to mock this as 'weird' when all types of women suffer abuse and finances are one of the key things that keep victims trapped.

Anyone can experience domestic abuse (in a whole spectrum from emotional abuse to physical, sexual and financial abuse). And there are also many unhappy marriages that are not abusive, but still unhappy: it was the norm in previous generations for women to be trapped financially in a marriage that they couldn’t easily leave. Still today, women’s poorer earnings relative to men and time off to have children mean they are often trapped in situations that are difficult to exit. I was the main earner (and owned the house purely in my name) in a similar situation, yet still unable to leave because I could not afford childcare without him, nor did I have enough spare money of my own for legal advice. Lots of women find themselves in situations like this, even if they have no family experience of domestic violence or abuse.

(And for those on the thread who think it’s “mental” to have an escape fund - have you never talked to other women you know about their lives? Many of them will have experienced such situations and it doesn’t take much effort to imagine.)

Plus it’s really not illegal @Christinapple to have other bank accounts — no idea where you get this idea from. Lots of people have multiple accounts and ISAs: I’ve myself acquired five or six accounts over the years, not that there is much in them sadly! (my main current account and a savings account with a high street bank, a second current account and savings account with a building society and a couple of random ISAs somewhere.) Years ago during the credit boom banks were giving accounts out like smarties. As long as you are using the tax allowances correctly and paying the right amount of tax on any interest there’s nothing illegal at all about it. Many self employed people need to operate multiple accounts and it’s long been common practice for many couples to have one or more joint accounts, plus accounts in their own names as well.

I give her advise to never be financially reliant in a man. I’m too poor to save for myself let alone a just in case fund for dd. But she knows no matter what she can always come home, no matter what my financial situation I will take her in and sleep in the living room if she has enough kids to need more than one bedroom. She lived through me leaving her abusive father and while she was too young to remember she’s working it out as she grows up and sees what he is like. I know she knows I’m serious when I say my children can always come home

Sadly 2 women a week are killed by male ex partners or current partners in the UK. So it's not unfortunately a moral panic or something overreactionary. It's quite sensible. Until men change, we need to find ways to keep ourselves safe from them. Reality sucks.

You’ve obviously never been in an abusive relationship and needed to escape. It’s prudent to have the financial means to do anything sudden in life, whether it’s buying a new washing machine or being able to pay the first month’s rent/bond on a new flat.

My Mother gave me £30k when I left my abusive partner when pregnant with the words “Go back to that man and I’m writing you out my will”. She was a hero doing that. I could’ve managed without the money but it meant I could buy a nicer house.

There was a time I was naive and thought you shared finances and trusted the person. I learnt the hard way a lot of people out there are not decent human beings so we do have to protect ourselves for our children’s sake if not for ours.

lighthearted - I have one, and one day many years ago, we were listening to Jenni Murray on Women’s Hour talk about how all women should have one. My DP asked if I had one, and when I said yes, he offered to add to it.
We have now been together for nearly 40 years and never actually needed to use it. But I still have the means to leave should I need to.
Everyone should have one, not just women, but men too.

my granny told me to ‘keep two purses’. One for the house & one for me. It was her way of telling me never to be financially dependent on someone else. I don’t have a secret pot for my daughter, because I’d want to save for my son too & can’t afford it right now. If I could, I would.

You sound sadly ignorant about the reality of life for many women both today and… well, forever, actually.

I have two relatives who would benefit from such a fund. As would my mum have done.

Should men have a secret account they keep hidden too ?

No I don't have an escape fund for her but she'll have a house in her name by the time she's grown and if she lives with an unpleasant man she can just call the police and have them remove him. If she marries a man and they buy a property together she could always be using that one as an Airbnb and move into it.