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Original poster

Flakiness/Not contributing to work gifts

109 replies

Truthfully555 · 26/08/2025 23:31

Well I am getting sick of flakers. At my work theres a mix of men and women, probably a little more men 6:4-7:3. Anyway, I'm getting rather a negative impression of female colleagues and it's making me think this a female trait. I've been in a group of 5-6 workers for 10years. Every year or two someone leaves or moves to other positions/locations in the company where we no longer see/work with them but I'm happy to stay. As I'm the senior I will organise leave gifts and there's a predictable pattern that the women either sign the card but never offer to contribute or offer but flake. I never have this with the men. Men are almost falling over themselves to do the right thing and not to appear mean or cheap. Well, gifts are usually in the region of £15-20 it's typically something small, card plus chocs or some small gesture which means divided between 4-5 it really a tiny contribution for each person. As it's a small amount when people offer but don't come through I just ignore it, but after years of this I decided to follow up on an offer and the response was radio silence. Now again, a girl says she'll pay end of week. It never happens. A week passes I don't mention it. Another week passes, I send a message "oh sorry I forgot to send my bank details", she says she'll do it payday. Nothing. Next week comes says she was going to give change but instead will just do transfer. Another week passes. I would never get this level of faffing around from a guy and I wonder if she's really that scatter brained or her offer is disingenuous and she's just expecting me not to call her on it. She's 30 not 70, has no kids or family to worry about. Maybe something is going on in her life, but don't we all have something going on? I even made it clear in message to others for collection that it's completely voluntary if they want to contribute and the message was in individual PMs not a group chat. Why has not one woman ever contributed? Do we need strong emotional connections to put our hands in our pockets now? Why is it so difficult to simply give because ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

OP posts:
DarlingHoldMyHand · 27/08/2025 00:32

I even made it clear in message to others for collection that it's completely voluntary if they want to contribute and the message was in individual PMs not a group chat.

If it's completely voluntary why are you hounding colleagues and saying in your post that contributing is the right thing to do in shouty capital letters? 🫤

GailBlancheViola · 27/08/2025 00:28

And stop hounding that woman for money, she probably offered because she felt she had to but clearly doesn't want to.

Leave her alone.

GailBlancheViola · 27/08/2025 00:24

Why is it so difficult to simply give because ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

Why is it the right thing to do?

Why is it so difficult for you to understand that they just don't want to contribute and that is their choice and a valid one which you should respect?

minipie · 27/08/2025 00:24

Sounds like, other than you, this is a fairly transient group of colleagues who maybe haven’t known the leaving person that long and don’t feel like they need or want to contribute to a gift.

Leaving gifts are not “the right thing to do”, they are a choice and not everyone thinks they are important. You said you send individual messages asking if people want to contribute - many people would feel obliged to say yes in response, even if they don’t want to.

Stop doing the collections??

LurkThenPost · 27/08/2025 00:24

I don't contribute because I go there to work. I don't earn THAT much. I'm not stingy, I'd happily buy people I like treats and family members I adore.

£10 contribution to work colleague, no thanks.
£10 on buying my parents or siblings a McDonalds meal deal, yeah sure - I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

For example, if I am ordering something online crisps/sweets (not great) I will ask my siblings if they want anything so I can get free delivery etc?

I'm giving these examples because to my work colleagues I am stingy, but to my family members I am generous. Its about matter of priorities and care for me.

Plus, women tend to have caring responsibilities and be on a lower salary compared to their male counterparts statistically speaking.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 27/08/2025 00:17

I do always contribute to these things but I totality understand why some people don’t. We go to work to earn money. Why should someone be required to pay into things constantly? There’s always something…a birthday, a leaving, a charity walk, Christmas buffet etc. You don’t know people’s finances and what’s affordable for them. It should be good enough that someone comes to work, does their job, then goes home. And in real like it’s not always women who don’t contribute. You have a tiny sample size there.

KitWyn · 27/08/2025 00:13

As the Senior person (with hopefully a larger salary!) I'd expect to make up the shortfall if a leaving collection is a little small. Or I'd ask my line manager to sign the card and she will almost certainly give very generously too.

If someone doesn't give but signs the card, I'd assume either they are on a very tight budget or didn't work closely with him/her. Perhaps consider sending the card round for signing with an envelope for donations so the giving is private.

My experience has been the opposite. Generally, the women reliably contribute and organise the card/buy the gift. But I may have just been very lucky with my colleagues!

zzplec · 26/08/2025 23:51

Is it the same people not contributing every time, or do you have such a high turnover of staff that the team refreshes with completely new staff every few years?

If it's long term staff not contributing, maybe they're fed up of buying leaving presents for people who haven't worked there long Or if they're relatively new, they don't feel embedded in the team enough to be contributing to leaving gifts.

Ultimately they're telling you they don't want to contribute, so maybe stop the gifts and just get a card?

BiologicalRobot · 26/08/2025 23:40
  1. Are the women and men on the same pay?
  2. Do both men and women have the same childcare responsibilities, eg women have kids but the men don't (provide)?
  3. I find women tend not to put their hand in their (non existent) pockets for people or causes they don't like.

Maybe reflect that leaving/birthday gifts might need to stop. There was a lot of threads during covid lockdown of people wishing their companies would stop this, esp considering the CoL crisis. Same with Secret Santa.

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