Page 4 | Flakiness/Not contributing to work gifts

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/08/2025 05:58

Sex not gender.
Why don't you ask them?
Ask yourself why people don't stay.

EmpressaurusKitty · 27/08/2025 05:47

You keep saying gender, not sex, yet you’ve posted this in the Feminism: S&G board where most regulars agree that it’s the sex you are that matters, not whether you identify as a gender.

Did you mistake it for AIBU?

In my workplace, only someone’s team & any other especially close colleagues get invited to contribute to a present if they’re leaving. Our turnover is quite low so it doesn’t happen that often.

Original poster

Truthfully555 · 27/08/2025 05:11

Truthfully555 · 27/08/2025 05:03

Doesnt anyone read what they respond to?

5 people. Average of once per 6months. £2-3.

Again. Again. Again and again- it's not WHY people don't, it's voluntary. It's why it always seems to be women.

I'd love to hear your examples because I see the exact opposite. I'm not talking birthday, babies, baby showers, weddings- specifically work leaving. This is a small group who as I said, work together not independently. It's not some 20+ workforce spread over a building who disappear into their own little groups.

Edited

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OP posts:

Original poster

Truthfully555 · 27/08/2025 05:03

RawBloomers · 27/08/2025 03:30

My experience is that it’s generally men who don’t contribute to that sort of thing (and even more so- won’t put the effort in to organize).

These are sorts of things are completely unethical if they aren’t truly voluntary. You seem to be trying to coerce people who obviously don’t want to give. You should stop and just go with what you collect by whatever date you set. But also, you might consider that it’s not really suitable in your situation. If you have a team of 10 and people and no one stays more than 2 years, that’s at least 5 leaving presents a year people are expected to donate to. I think that’s somewhat ridiculous.

Doesnt anyone read what they respond to?

5 people. Average of once per 6months. £2-3.

Again. Again. Again and again- it's not WHY people don't, it's voluntary. It's why it always seems to be women.

I'd love to hear your examples because I see the exact opposite. I'm not talking birthday, babies, baby showers, weddings- specifically work leaving. This is a small group who as I said, work together not independently. It's not some 20+ workforce spread over a building who disappear into their own little groups.

OP posts:

Original poster

Truthfully555 · 27/08/2025 04:56

NoBinturongsHereMate · 27/08/2025 03:06

Being women it's quite possible they're under greater financial strain. [...], the point I'm querying here is that it's one gender standing out who doesn't.

You've answered your own question.

As for this particular woman being '30 not 70', whonis more likely to have spare cash? A 70 year old who's still.working, and getting state & possibly private pension, and may well have a paid off mortgage? Or a 30 year-old, who's likely to be saving for a house deposit while paying exorbitant rent, in the early stages of trying to build up pension and savings, quite possibly thinking about starting to save for maternity leave in the not too distant future?

Edited

30 Vs 70 is in reference to mental facilities.
We are all similar ages late twenties to late forties on the same wages. I still don't see anyone addressing why the gender difference.

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Original poster

Truthfully555 · 27/08/2025 04:49

DarlingHoldMyHand · 27/08/2025 00:32

I even made it clear in message to others for collection that it's completely voluntary if they want to contribute and the message was in individual PMs not a group chat.

If it's completely voluntary why are you hounding colleagues and saying in your post that contributing is the right thing to do in shouty capital letters? 🫤

Edited

I don't know where some of you get the impression anyone's being hounded.

The example I only ever messaged once and that was to give my bank details because she said she would. She has actually brought it up twice, twice more than I have. If she hadn't said she would, I wouldn't have messaged at all. Why say you will then flake? Then again say you'll do it later and flake again?

You all seem to have missed the point which is why is it always the women?

Shouty letters? 10yrs of disingenuous people perhaps? If you're going to chip in do so don't fake pledge banking you won't be called

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Ponderingwindow · 27/08/2025 03:40

The pink tax is a real thing. It’s not just that manufacturers charger more for a pink razor than a black razor.

The social expectations on women mean women have higher grooming and clothing costs. Women also face costs related to menstruation. Women are more likely to need to spend money because of real or perceived safety issues.

Being a woman is simply more expensive than being a man. It’s much easier for the men on the same salary to find a bit of spare money.

If this tradition is causing you stress, let it die. It is not necessary to give a gift. You could switch to a card only approach if you still want people to be able to send their good wishes to the departing colleague.

RawBloomers · 27/08/2025 03:30

My experience is that it’s generally men who don’t contribute to that sort of thing (and even more so- won’t put the effort in to organize).

These are sorts of things are completely unethical if they aren’t truly voluntary. You seem to be trying to coerce people who obviously don’t want to give. You should stop and just go with what you collect by whatever date you set. But also, you might consider that it’s not really suitable in your situation. If you have a team of 10 and people and no one stays more than 2 years, that’s at least 5 leaving presents a year people are expected to donate to. I think that’s somewhat ridiculous.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 27/08/2025 03:06

Being women it's quite possible they're under greater financial strain. [...], the point I'm querying here is that it's one gender standing out who doesn't.

You've answered your own question.

As for this particular woman being '30 not 70', whonis more likely to have spare cash? A 70 year old who's still.working, and getting state & possibly private pension, and may well have a paid off mortgage? Or a 30 year-old, who's likely to be saving for a house deposit while paying exorbitant rent, in the early stages of trying to build up pension and savings, quite possibly thinking about starting to save for maternity leave in the not too distant future?

Nopersbro · 27/08/2025 02:31

I haven't been asked to contribute to one of these since my whole office started 100% telecommuting. Luckily no one thought of asking for bank transfers!! Back when we did this in the physical office, whoever was buying the gift passed a card in a folder with an envelope for contributions, so even the organiser didn't know for sure who'd contributed. We only did it for retirements; otherwise we pitched in to take the person out for a few drinks and whoever didn't want to contribute didn't go.

Can't you just give everyone a deadline - "if you want to contribute to Caroline's leaving gift, I need the money by 5 PM on Wednesday" and whoever misses the deadline isn't included? That way you wouldn't have to front money you may not get back (I'm assuming that's the case with the person who keeps not sending you the money as promised). If you're routinely not getting enough completely voluntary donations to buy a small gift, maybe it's time to stop? People's discretionary income really isn't going nearly as far as it used to.

ThatZanyFatball · 27/08/2025 02:21

I don't know women vs men but in general I just hate this crap. Im happy to maintain a cordial, professional, and respectful relationship with my coworkers and I simply hope for the same from them. If I become friendly with one I'll take it upon myself to get them a card or gift for whatever, but otherwise I don't need nor want a cake or card from my coworkers on my birthday I usually take that day off anyway. As for last day just take the team out to lunch and pay with corporate card.

Yes I get it I'm a crank.

Kurkara · 27/08/2025 02:07

I have a sneaking suspicion that the dynamic that actually exists is that your DOING THE RIGHT THING is annoying to your colleagues and they will tell you whatever they think will get you off their backs as quickly as possible in the moment. In other words, the woman in your OP has no intention of actually giving you any money. Having written that, this is the guess of a stranger on the internet, so maybe ask her if you actually want to know.
No idea why women are more likely to fob you off and men to give in. Not a large enough sample group, I'd say, to explain it via differences in socialisation or constitution between the sexes.

Original poster

Truthfully555 · 27/08/2025 01:41

DarlingHoldMyHand · 27/08/2025 01:32

These are presumably people who are not well off and may be paying off debts. They don't know any of these colleagues well as know one stays long-term. You are expecting them to contribute to gifts on the basis that they will then get a gift themselves, but that's not how they want to spend their money. You are forcing them to spend money on something that you want to do, but they might not have it to spare.

This Martin Lewis video is about Christmas obligatory giving but the same principles apply:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KIXFSnNewQ&t=3s&pp=2AEDkAIB

Honestly OP take the hint. Keep the cards and ditch the gifts. You are not doing THE RIGHT THING here.

Edited

No, I don't expect anyone to contribute because they'll get one - it's just the dynamic that exists. Sometimes people don't want to lose out, if they think they won't get the same treatment they're less likely to chip in. That's not the case here. That's the only point of that information.

Being women it's quite possible they're under greater financial strain. But we are talking £2-3 once every 6months 😄

Like I said, it's voluntary, the point I'm querying here is that it's one gender standing out who doesn't.

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MyGreyStork · 27/08/2025 01:34

If you were a senior level of staff in my work place I’ll be putting in a formal complaint against you for harassment. Leave people alone!

DarlingHoldMyHand · 27/08/2025 01:32

These are presumably people who are not well off and may be paying off debts. They don't know any of these colleagues well as know one stays long-term. You are expecting them to contribute to gifts on the basis that they will then get a gift themselves, but that's not how they want to spend their money. You are forcing them to spend money on something that you want to do, but they might not have it to spare.

This Martin Lewis video is about Christmas obligatory giving but the same principles apply:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KIXFSnNewQ&t=3s&pp=2AEDkAIB

Honestly OP take the hint. Keep the cards and ditch the gifts. You are not doing THE RIGHT THING here.

Original poster

Truthfully555 · 27/08/2025 01:30

Lavenderandbrown · 27/08/2025 01:05

Uugghh the obligatory work collections …adopt a family baby gift weddings retirement Christmas gifts and on and on and on. It’s old fashioned to persist in asking people to donate repeatedly and from the sounds of it frequently to coworkers gifts. Modern workforce environments don’t do this anymore. Yet there is always always always one person who just persists in perpetuating the gifting becuse it’s nice or it’s the right thing to do. Just stop it. And stop hassling your employee to donate.

Employee?? We are all the same 😄I'm really not hassling. There's one person who didn't offer and that was that. She did offer and that's why I have messaged. If youre not going to do something then don't say you will.

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Original poster

Truthfully555 · 27/08/2025 01:24

zzplec · 26/08/2025 23:51

Is it the same people not contributing every time, or do you have such a high turnover of staff that the team refreshes with completely new staff every few years?

If it's long term staff not contributing, maybe they're fed up of buying leaving presents for people who haven't worked there long Or if they're relatively new, they don't feel embedded in the team enough to be contributing to leaving gifts.

Ultimately they're telling you they don't want to contribute, so maybe stop the gifts and just get a card?

No it's not long-term and it's not short term. The only point that stands out is gender so that's why I'm querying this

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Original poster

Truthfully555 · 27/08/2025 01:13

zzplec · 26/08/2025 23:51

Is it the same people not contributing every time, or do you have such a high turnover of staff that the team refreshes with completely new staff every few years?

If it's long term staff not contributing, maybe they're fed up of buying leaving presents for people who haven't worked there long Or if they're relatively new, they don't feel embedded in the team enough to be contributing to leaving gifts.

Ultimately they're telling you they don't want to contribute, so maybe stop the gifts and just get a card?

They don't give one time and not another. They never give. It's not a few dinosaurs because no one stays more than 2years. People in the group change but the gender not giving stays constant. Rarely a guy won't but it's always been a girl that doesn't. Everyone stays at least a year and we don't work independently we work together, I think it's just a nice thing to do and they know that they'll be getting a gift when they move too. These are small gifts not lavish. There are positions in different locations so typically people are just transferring closer to home.

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MyGreyStork · 27/08/2025 01:12

Where to start with this post…
You as a senior member of staff are paid more than your colleagues.
YOU think it’s the right thing to do, that’s your opinion not fact
You also have no idea about your fellow colleagues finances, who are you to judge that?
People can spend their money on what they want
You need a hobby, going into this much detail is not healthy.
If you’re that bothered and worked up about it why don’t you just pay for the gifts yourself?

Lavenderandbrown · 27/08/2025 01:05

Uugghh the obligatory work collections …adopt a family baby gift weddings retirement Christmas gifts and on and on and on. It’s old fashioned to persist in asking people to donate repeatedly and from the sounds of it frequently to coworkers gifts. Modern workforce environments don’t do this anymore. Yet there is always always always one person who just persists in perpetuating the gifting becuse it’s nice or it’s the right thing to do. Just stop it. And stop hassling your employee to donate.

WilfredsPies · 27/08/2025 00:59

Are you on a wind up? How has your colleague not complained about you harassing junior members of staff for money?

She's 30 not 70, has no kids or family to worry about. Maybe something is going on in her life, but don't we all have something going on? Firstly, she’s not a ‘girl’, she’s a woman. Secondly, it’s sod all to do with you what she’s got going on in her life. Perhaps she doesn’t tell you because she finds you judgemental.

I even made it clear in message to others for collection that it's completely voluntary if they want to contribute and the message was in individual PMs not a group chat So you lied? Because you couldn’t make it less optional if you held her upside down by her ankles and shook her until her pockets fell empty. You’re the one who is being disingenuous.

Men are almost falling over themselves to do the right thing and not to appear mean or cheap So men are concerned with their image in the office. Women are concerned with making sure they’ve got enough petrol money to last the month. Perhaps it’s a male trait. Perhaps the men are coming home and asking their wives and partners to help them out with some cash because they’ve stuck all of their money in a collection pot so that some judgemental mare on a higher salary doesn’t keep pestering them, or tell anyone that they’re tight.

Do we need strong emotional connections to put our hands in our pockets now? Yes! If it’s a choice between sticking a fiver in a collection, or going without something because I can’t afford to do both, then I’m going to have to really like them before I go without.

Why is it so difficult to simply give because ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO? Says the person who earns more than the people expected to contribute. Because it’s not ‘the right thing to do. It’s regular demands for cash from someone who presumably earns more than them. If it bothers you that much and it’s such a tiny amount then you bloody pay for it.

Original poster

Truthfully555 · 27/08/2025 00:57

BiologicalRobot · 26/08/2025 23:40

Are the women and men on the same pay?
Do both men and women have the same childcare responsibilities, eg women have kids but the men don't (provide)?
I find women tend not to put their hand in their (non existent) pockets for people or causes they don't like.

Maybe reflect that leaving/birthday gifts might need to stop. There was a lot of threads during covid lockdown of people wishing their companies would stop this, esp considering the CoL crisis. Same with Secret Santa.

Yes we are all same pay regardless of time in position. In fact when managers leave we contribute to this too, no matter they are on x1.5 but it's a good point. Sady no, same pay, same jobs. 😄
I should add that non contributors often send nice messages to the person so it seems we get on or they're just big ole liars 😄

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FloofyKat · 27/08/2025 00:51

It’s only the right thing to do if it’s the right thing for you to do and you want to do it!
I was forever getting passed envelopes for leaving / wedding / birthday / baby etc gifts and it got beyond a joke. I don’t miss that part of office life one bit!

Hatwontfit · 27/08/2025 00:43

I think I just stopped as I'm in debt and can't afford it. Unless it were the two people I work closely with, I just don't any more. Maybe you're underestimating how hard up people are?

DysmalRadius · 27/08/2025 00:40

Perhaps they think that as a manager, presumably on higher pay than them, you could out your hand in your pocket to the tune of £20 rather than hounding individuals for £1 or 2 each? There must be a point (probably after the first email tbh) where your continual messaging and their replying costs the company more than you are asking for - maybe worth considering making or a company expense? rather than an excuse to judge your colleagues