Flakiness/Not contributing to work gifts

Simple solution, stop doing leaving presents. I thought these were a thing of the past tbh you must be one of the last holdouts.

I retired last year and I was given a bottle of rum. The reason they chose rum is because I told someone I don't really like spirits but I don't mind the taste of rum. Whoever chose the rum must have thought that spiced rum would be nice. The problem was, spiced rum doesn't taste like rum, it tastes of vanilla. And I don't like vanilla.

Complete waste of money. Most of these gifts are. It's better for people to spend their own money on things they know that will make them happy than trying to guess what will make someone else happy and then them having to pretend that they're pleased. I don't like champagne, it's an unpleasant sour drink.

Sorry, I read your ratios as number of people and just didn't update my facts when you then put your group size. Forget the bit about wondering if it's appropriate on the basis of too many people.

The only example I have where I've been privy to what's given by whom was a small office based team, 4 men 5 women. Myself and another women organized every gift situation (one person's wife died, and 3 leaving dos over about 4 years). Everyone gave to the widow. 2 men didn't give to any of the leaving dos while they and I were there).

But in all the teams I've worked in where there were whip rounds for anything, none of them were organized by men. In most places it's been either the roll of the office manager (always female) or something that someone on the team did organically, again, always female. In two offices, when it was the manager that did it when I started, she left and a man took over, the male manager didn't organize. In one case a woman in the office took over and in the other it just stopped.

I'm not sure how that helps you, though. All these are, yours and mine, are anecdotes. Individual data points. It shouldn't surprise you, even if men do tend to give more often than women, that there are some examples where they do not. It would be truly extraordinary if there were no contradictory examples.

A serious lot of assumptions about age, forgetfulness, family status, respect or feelings about colleagues, willingness of people to be badgered about people leaving, to name just a few.

I even made it clear in message to others for collection that it's completely voluntary if they want to contribute and the message was in individual PMs not a group chat.

There you go then.
It's completely voluntary.
Whether you give or not, people will see that as no reasons being needed. You can turn the possible ones over in your own head and judge away if you wish, or just note and move on.

Nobody is obliged to donate to work collections. Is it nice to do? Sure. But I only donate to people who I actually speak to and like.

It's not up to you to decide that someone else should donate because they don't have kids. You don't know their full financial situation. And even if you did, they can still just... not add to the collection and that's fine too!

Fun little office things like this are only fun while they're optional. Once you start pushing people to do it, it just becomes a burden.

I own a business if someone leaves or it’s for something special I buy the gift on behalf of everyone (and sign it from the team). No way I would expect people to put their hands in their pockets.

maybe the women sensibly don’t want to fork out money for someone they’ll never see again when they have other things to spend their money on.

I'd not have them sign the card unless they contribute

Unless there are very special circumstances (such as someone ill in hospital) I think staff collections are a "racket" and do not hesitate to say so. I have never contributed for people I dont know. If people wish to buy a gift privately for a colleague, fine. I cant tell staff how to spend their money. However as a manager I forbade them in my workplace in the sense of one member hawking round their colleagues asking for money. I see it as a form of bullying.

I also feel the same about being asked to sponsor someone's son/daughter to do XXX or to support some pet charitable cause. I have my own causes I contribute to and thats a private matter.

A young grand niece of mine started in a workplace and was asked to contribute £10 to someones leaving present. When she explained politely that she had not yet been there long enugh to get her first month's salary and she did not have £10 spare she was told "Go to the cash machine". On my advice she went to HR and told them she felt bullied and humiliated. A few days later a memo went around that all such staff collections were now prohibited.

It's not 15-20 pounds each, it's in total. If a gift were being bought it's hard to think of much less that could be given.

I’m thinking back a long time ago to when I was new, nervous & desperate to make a good impression, & how young women like that would feel now if put in that situation.

You wouldn’t have to admit you can’t afford it. Just say you don’t want to contribute.

Personally I think £15-20 is way too much for a colleagues leaving present and card. My daughter works full time, lives with partner, has a mortgage and she hardly has any cash at the end of the month. Any more than a fiver isn't necessary.

Why is this in feminism? Do you think it's a feminist issue? I mean it could be, far more likely that your female colleagues are shouldering the lion's share of mental load in managing family finances and are better at prioritising their children/family/bills above 'looking good' whereas men will put their hands in their pocket and skint themselves rather than look 'less manly provider' - I'm just inventing that as I have no real idea but it would be my hypothesis. Otherwise I have no idea why the women in your office don't like contributing to gifts. As a manager I don't like birthday gift work collections and don't do them. I buy each member of the team a £5 chocolate box for their birthday and we all sign a card. Leaving/maternity leave is different and I've never noticed a sex difference on who contributes and I would never ask an individual twice - if they don't volunteer a contribution after the first general email that's that.

Not specific to work scenarios but on the whole, I would find men to be more immediately, obviously generous across most settings. I think this is actually quite gendered, part of the role of being provider, a kind of 'Let me get this', 'not show myself up' kind of thing. It doesn't mean men are necessarily kinder or better because of this, it is very complex and like I say, partly comes from gendered expectations. I'm in Ireland and tightness is about as big a sin as there is. For both sexes but perhaps especially so for men.

Your sample size is too small; your data are compromised by a failure to allow for confounding factors; you suffer from confirmation bias; and, your own behaviour is potentially affecting the results of the experiment.

No not just you. But I'm assuming it's here because OP wants to give us women a scolding somehow. It makes a change to be scolded as a mean/cheap sex class instead of enlightenment about cross dressers.

I work with one male manager who never contributes to any collection. I’m actually starting to think he’s got the right idea as no one expects him to now .

I work part time so salary is less than others , however not a week goes by without a collection for someone for either moving job , leaving job , birthday, new baby , family member passed away, promotion, the list goes on . I know it sounds mean but I also have a large friendship group from an old job who do the same .

I wasn't clever enough to see that. My immediate thought was "Oh dear, this person seems a little confused and posted in the wrong forum". Which happens from time to time.

You mean someone found a point ? I must get to specsavers.

Personally I don't think it should be anywhere as it is just nonsense, but it was clearly put here on S&G to let the women on here know just how much better and more generous men are than 'flaky' women.

Just me then 😀

When i worked in a factory there was constant collecting for some cause or another, women leaving to have babies, wedding collections, people leaving, sometimes it was happening every week.

At the time I lived on my own, on a low wage, had to scrimp on food, so I used to dread these collections, there was a lot of pressure to contribute. I hated it; no one wants to appear mean, or for people to pity you because you can't afford to contribute a couple of pounds, but when you're on a low income it can make a difference to how much you have available for food or electric.

A few years later I was at college as a mature student, there were a few other women older than me on my course. When it came to Christmas, one of the women ( who owned her own restaurant) wanted to give our tutors bottles of champagne, with the cost split between us. There was no way I could afford that; I was working on the days I wasn't in college and not earning much. So I said no, but if I'd have been younger I may have felt pressured to contribute.

So it may not be a case of being flaky, perhaps your colleagues just can't afford it. And in my experience, women are held to higher standards than men, and judged more. The men I've worked with are less likely to be involved in stuff like this, and excused. So no, I don't agree women are more flaky in this situation.

I would rather have a card with lovely messages from my colleagues than a token £15-20 gift. I'm going to stick out my neck and suggest that the women are more likely to leave thought out personal messages and the men are more likely to say "good luck in the new job".

I suspect you are still stuck in a pre-Covid era where everyone stuck a couple of quid or whatever change they had in an envelope.

I'd suggest sticking with the card (particularly if they are just moving within the company) and not bothering with a gift. Or, if you are the senior person, buy a gift yourself on behalf of the team. If, for no other reason than it saves you an organising job.

Could it be that the men want to be seen as generous in front of YOU? Are you attractive? Is there a possibility they want to impress you in particular and that it is not about the leaving present but about being seen to be contributing?

Is there a male/female divide in the office? Do you interact differently with the men and the women?

This male/female division of contributing to the leaving presents is particular to your office only so it could be the there is a strange dynamic going on.

Maybe OP would like to come back and explain what she meant by her ageist sounding comment.

But why should they have to pay for a gift for someone just because they switched jobs after two years? If that person was their friend they'd already be buying them drinks and stuff anyway.

Contribution is voluntary. Why can't the company put in £15? Or otherwise just send a card.