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Pornography is turning sex into an extreme sport - Hadley Freeman

108 replies

IwantToRetire · 03/08/2025 17:27

All of this discourse is a desperate avoidance of an obvious truth, fussing over the deckchairs long after the iceberg has destroyed the ship. Because the simple but apparently unsayable fact is this: pornography is bad. No, not just for kids. For everyone. And it has eaten the world.

From an article in the Times https://www.thetimes.com/comment/columnists/article/pornography-sex-extreme-sport-bonnie-blue-gnb60xlsf

Can be read in full here https://archive.is/byS6O

Pornography is turning sex into an extreme sport

As my return to dating shows, it’s not just children who are being damaged

https://www.thetimes.com/comment/columnists/article/pornography-sex-extreme-sport-bonnie-blue-gnb60xlsf

OP posts:
Ladedahlia · 04/08/2025 17:44

A lot more women are having relationships with other women. Which is not surprising.

Ladedahlia · 04/08/2025 17:43

McSilkson · 04/08/2025 17:42

And women's and girls' brains! Lots of women have been conditioned to become aroused by this dark and dangerous stuff, too.

Show quote history

Yes, or think it’s expected of them. So many posts on this site from women who just think this sort of stuff is normal, not deviant and dangerous.

McSilkson · 04/08/2025 17:42

SionnachRuadh · 04/08/2025 14:04

Hadley is in good form here.

It's probably impossible to get rid of porn, but I'd be happy to go back to the days when it was fairly difficult to get, and much more difficult to get if your tastes weren't quite vanilla. Boys being exposed to Page 3, which was my generation, was probably a lot less harmful than boys and girls being exposed to the idea that choking and spitting and lots of other extreme stuff is standard sex.

I sometimes listen to the Rialto Report podcasts, which is a series about vintage porn - basically interviewing performers from the 70s or 80s about their experiences. It's an interesting slice of social history, and doesn't shy away from the dark side, but it definitely feels like a more innocent age. Of course a lot of the 70s generation were actual actors or directors who hadn't quite made it in mainstream Hollywood. They weren't Bonnie Blue types looking for internet fame.

The trend now is dehumanising, and the algorithm pushes the consumer into more and more extreme images, more and more niche fetishes. I don't think we've come to terms with what this is doing to men's brains, or boys' brains.

And women's and girls' brains! Lots of women have been conditioned to become aroused by this dark and dangerous stuff, too.

ThreeWordHarpy · 04/08/2025 14:52

I was only a child in the seventies, but I was very aware that in the sex addled men vs dolly birds scenarios in the media, the women seemed to hold the upper hand over the men who could only think with their trousers. I’m thinking of carry on films, Benny hill, Robin Asquith “sex comedies” etc. It seemed that if you let men squeeze your boobs then you could get them to agree to anything. I grew up thinking that it men could be very silly.

looking back now I obviously was not aware of the dark side of all of this but I still think the shift in mainstream depictions of sex has gone from women having the power to “let” men have sex with them, to men using these nasty acts to assert their power over women. It seems that women were portrayed as having more agency in the act 50 years ago than they do now.

SionnachRuadh · 04/08/2025 14:04

Hadley is in good form here.

It's probably impossible to get rid of porn, but I'd be happy to go back to the days when it was fairly difficult to get, and much more difficult to get if your tastes weren't quite vanilla. Boys being exposed to Page 3, which was my generation, was probably a lot less harmful than boys and girls being exposed to the idea that choking and spitting and lots of other extreme stuff is standard sex.

I sometimes listen to the Rialto Report podcasts, which is a series about vintage porn - basically interviewing performers from the 70s or 80s about their experiences. It's an interesting slice of social history, and doesn't shy away from the dark side, but it definitely feels like a more innocent age. Of course a lot of the 70s generation were actual actors or directors who hadn't quite made it in mainstream Hollywood. They weren't Bonnie Blue types looking for internet fame.

The trend now is dehumanising, and the algorithm pushes the consumer into more and more extreme images, more and more niche fetishes. I don't think we've come to terms with what this is doing to men's brains, or boys' brains.

borntobequiet · 04/08/2025 12:13

A very good article.

UtopiaPlanitia · 04/08/2025 12:02

Rightsraptor · 03/08/2025 18:20

Is it just me, but when I click on the archive link it has me proving about 20 times that I'm not a robot: 'Click on all the squares with a bus', 'click on all the squares with a motorbike', 'click on all the squares with a crosswalk' (btw what is that - a pedestrian crossing?)

I seriously think someone is bored somewhere and playing games with me. I get fed up and click away. Shame, as I'd like to read the article.

I’ve been having the same issue with the archive site, I’m having to complete up to 20 CAPTCHAS to get reading an article

https://www.ghacks.net/2024/12/23/in-the-age-of-ai-captchas-are-mostly-a-burden-to-humans/

Hadley’s article was excellent.

Sellenis · 04/08/2025 11:18

Can confirm, men are absolutely porn sick nowadays - and really normal men, too. Dating is not advisable unless you want to be strangled without warning. They don't even seem to realise that's a serious crime.

drspouse · 04/08/2025 11:13

She's so right.
If I was single again, I wouldn't bother dating. I feel for my DD (who is 11).

InterrobangsArePureBias · 04/08/2025 11:07

Grammarnut · 03/08/2025 22:34

I get this problem. It is really, really annoying! Copy and paste doesn't always work, sadly - no idea why!

Show quote history

I get this for a number of sites. I am pretty bad at them and can be trapped for 20mns or so.

I only persevere for work, family health portals, finances and government stuff.

DisappearingGirl · 04/08/2025 11:06

I love Hadley. She's not afraid to say something true just because it might not be "cool" to say it.

chuzzlewitthechipmunk · 04/08/2025 10:51

thank you Hadley. I can’t imagine ever wanting to have sex with a man again after all this rubbish and hearing stories from single friends in their forties. Really struggling with understanding how we introduce our kids to a “normal healthy sex life” as this isn’t something they should learn from thir parents but the alternatives are… not good.

(btw Hadley’s real life family story, House of Glass, is one of my favourite books…)

Wetoldyousaurus · 04/08/2025 10:46

Oh and yes, pornography is vile.

Wetoldyousaurus · 04/08/2025 10:44

Hadley’s the best. Love her. Nails it. I don’t think I’ve ever not agreed with a single thing she’s written. Definitely invited to my dream dinner party.

Beowulfa · 04/08/2025 09:21

There was a trite jaunty argument in the Metro this morning about the new online age check resulting in a boom for Dutch tourism. Why not fly to Amsterdam, where nobody is "judgemental", and you can look up porn easily too!

I would write and complain, but they have a clear editorial line on the letters they publish (have had an argument with the editor about this after the Supreme Court judgement earlier this year).

DrBlackbird · 03/08/2025 22:51

Online pornography has made the world so much worse, and the more people look at it, the more people make it. Pornography doesn’t slake desire, it creates desire for more pornography.

It’s destroying relationships and damaging both men/boys and women/girls. A friend’s 9 yr old nephew was shown double anal by his 11 yr old cousin. The 11 yr old had 100’s of porn viewings.

Utterly ridiculous that it’s taken this long for the govt to do anything about it. Would’ve been technically v easy to have limited access decades ago if they’d cared.

NB Assume from the article that Hadley is no longer married and sorry if that’s not what she wanted.

Grammarnut · 03/08/2025 22:34

IwantToRetire · 03/08/2025 18:26

As said on other threads just copy the link and paste it in.

Although not heard of your problem. Hmm

Show quote history

I get this problem. It is really, really annoying! Copy and paste doesn't always work, sadly - no idea why!

Imnobody4 · 03/08/2025 21:05

DworkinWasRight · 03/08/2025 20:45

What’s that a quote from?

Show quote history

It's part of a tribute on his death. It surprised me as I'm not a huge fan of his novels.

Martin Amis got the collective cultural impact of pornography right while most were still defending it. “Porno, it seems, is a parody of love,” he wrote.
Jonathon Van Maren
— July 28, 2023

europeanconservative.com/articles/tribute/martin-amis-1949-2023/

JustAMiddleAgedDirtBagBaby · 03/08/2025 20:51

Oh, do I sound like I’m shaming people who watch pornography? Good.

I love Hadley Freeman. This is great.

DworkinWasRight · 03/08/2025 20:45

Imnobody4 · 03/08/2025 18:17

Surprisingly Martin Amis said something similar years ago.

What Amis identified in his essay on the porn industry applies to the entire sexual revolution. In an era of boundless choice, violence and darkness once restrained by morality have been released. Market forces heed only our own carnal gods. Amis admits this with startling candor. “As I sampled some extreme productions on the VCR in my hotel room, I kept worrying about something,” he wrote. “I kept worrying that I’d like it. Porno services the ‘polymorphous perverse’: the near-infinite chaos of human desire. If you harbour perversity, then sooner or later porno will identify it.” Here again, Amis proved prophetic. Every human heart harbors perversity; pornography draws it out, nurtures it, and causes it to metastasize. Since the publication of that essay, pornography has successfully mainstreamed sadism in the sexual context—even among high school students.

What’s that a quote from?

Mischance · 03/08/2025 19:55

We might say "No thank you" but we have no influence over the behaviour of others/our partners.

guinnessguzzler · 03/08/2025 19:49

Bloody well said, Hadley, as usual, getting it right again. It is a menace and the sooner we all say 'No thank you' loud and clear the better.

ETA: Thanks for sharing!

Mischance · 03/08/2025 19:41

I find it deeply sad.

Pornography wrecked my relationship with my OH. We stayed together as we had children and we made a go of things, but it destroyed my view of him as a decent man with respect for women. Things were never quite the same.

Titasaducksarse · 03/08/2025 19:33

I'm 48. I remember being about 20 and my friends discussing where the obsession with anal sex had come from as all of a sudden every guy was after some. We joked they must have read it in 'FHM'.
I'm bloody glad I'm not 20 again as dealing with a guy after anal seems a lesser issue than all the other stuff they're after! Mind you an acquaintance in her 60s online dating is finding men are after anal, choking etc.
If I wasn't with my partner I swear I'd rather be single.