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Original poster

My therapist seems politically opposed to my feminist views

318 replies

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 01/08/2025 18:27

I didn't know where else to post this and could do with a sense check/ideas as to how to deal with this.

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year for a range of issues, including substance misuse and recovering from abuse during my childhood and teens (sexual, violence). We've spoken about some really difficult and personal things that I have never discussed before and I have felt that the therapy has been useful. I thought I trusted him and trust is not an easy thing for me.

I'm a GC feminist. I'm also a lawyer and so I tend to have a legal lens on some of the debates around issues of trans rights and the rights of women and girls. I have talked in therapy about how I have found the tone of the debate around trans rights increasingly upsetting and hostile (on one side) and I had been upset over the discussion re the Supreme Court and the Equality Act. I've talked about both this and how hard it can be to feel like there's no space for women to express certain views without being dismissed or labelled.

My error (I totally accept I shouldn't have looked, but he should have locked down his settings) - I looked and saw a pic on SM of him at a protest. I don't want to out myself or him but he was holding a banner basically slagging off the Supreme Court.

And now I feel . . . the trust has gone. Has he been quietly judging me while I shared some frankly painful stuff? Does he respect my perspective? As I don't know if I can work with someone who doesn't. It's not a difference in political views, I feel like my views on these issues are fundamentally part of who I am as a person.

I know I crossed a boundary and shouldn't have looked, but would appreciate any thoughts as to whether I am being overly sensitive and/or whether it's something I should bring up.

Or maybe I am just wrong to care? Thoughts welcome!

OP posts:
Coffeetime25 · 16/08/2025 10:14

RareGoalsVerge · 01/08/2025 18:32

I think if the trust has gone it's gone. I don't think you were wrong to look at the picture you did. I think it's inappropriate for a counsellor to put anything online which declares them as for or against any contentious topic. You don't need your counsellor to be GC but someone who is happy to actively protest against women's rights isn't someone who is trustworthy.

what is gc feminism anyways lol

Coffeetime25 · 16/08/2025 10:12

yo crossed a massive boundary regards social media this is not therapists fault and therapist has done nothing wrong you are entitled to your beliefs and he is equally entitled to his beliefs this should not alter a professional therapist/client relationship but you have altered that by your own actions and crossing that boundary you need to come clean and find a new therapist and maybe stay off sm it not the be all and end all of life

Unrulyscrumptious · 16/08/2025 09:47

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 15/08/2025 14:04

Update. I had my session this week and brought the various issues up with my therapist (apart from the fact that I'd looked at his totally unprotected online presence). I wrote down what I wanted to say in advance and read it out, which helped hugely with the fact that I was terrified, shaking like a leaf and sweating through my t-shirt.

Got to say what I wanted to say and felt a huge sense of relief and very proud of myself for saying it all.

He responded reasonably well - kind, open, wanted to talk and listen. I'm not sure how much he really, really gets it, but I sensed a willingness to try.

I felt really emotional afterwards, crying and drinking coffee all the way home. 😂

I'm going to see how the next few sessions unfold.

I think you did yourself a disservice not mentioning why you wanted to have this discussion. i.e. that you looked at his social media. You have already mentioned your political views to him, you knew he would talk openly and kindly with you from experience already (it would be absolutely unprofessional for him to get into some sort of debate or share his opinions with you) yet you were shaking and sweating, crying and emotional afterwards shows this is more a case of transference or something going on where you are projecting massively onto your therapist which is really the issue here, not whether you hold the same views on the issue.

You'd have spent your money better telling your therapist you had the urge to look them up and that you have some feelings towards what you found and discussing how this has made you feel i.e. you've ruminated over it enough to start a MN thread, you've been overthinking how to discuss it with him, you were shaking and emotional about it.

For everyone saying it's perfectly fine to look up a therapist - technically yes it's not against the rules or anything but in my experience the fact you wanted to is something you should be exploring the WHY of rather than getting bogged down on what you found. Do you think of your therapist between sessions and were curious? Were you looking for some sort of closeness outside of sessions ? Or were you looking specifically hoping to gather info on his opinions or positions on things? Therapy should really be turning your focus more towards yourself, your time between sessions should be reflective on YOU not your mind slipping to who your therapist is and looking up what information you can find on them and then ruminating on what this says about them when this is all separate from the therapeutic work you're meant to be doing. I'm not saying you're wrong to have looked him up, this blurring of lines with your therapist is normal but you should be talking to them about it so you can discuss why it's happening as that's going to serve your goals with therapy better than having a political discussion with your therapist. I agree with PP that it sounds like you're maybe subconsciously retreating into intellectual discussion about the world to escape the internal work you're doing.

chilling19 · 16/08/2025 06:43

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 15/08/2025 23:36

@NebulouslyContemporaneous yes, agreed on all counts.

In some respects, it's the awful lack of critical thinking in someone you thought you had grown to trust and respect that's the hardest bit because it shakes the foundation of the alliance.

I suppose I will find out over the coming weeks how that plays out, but now I have raised it I want to talk about it more with him, not as as abstract social/cultural issue but what it has meant to me as a survivor of abuse and rape and the implications for how I formulate concepts of safety and vulnerability.

I'll post a few more updates as it unfolds.

Well done! And yes, this goes to the core of the dismissal of women as a sex class under patriarchy. Which drives us into therapy in the first place. Good to see you recognising your right to challenge. ❤️

Original poster
idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 15/08/2025 23:36

@NebulouslyContemporaneous yes, agreed on all counts.

In some respects, it's the awful lack of critical thinking in someone you thought you had grown to trust and respect that's the hardest bit because it shakes the foundation of the alliance.

I suppose I will find out over the coming weeks how that plays out, but now I have raised it I want to talk about it more with him, not as as abstract social/cultural issue but what it has meant to me as a survivor of abuse and rape and the implications for how I formulate concepts of safety and vulnerability.

I'll post a few more updates as it unfolds.

OP posts:
NebulouslyContemporaneous · 15/08/2025 17:38

Thank you for updating. I'm really glad you have been able to speak about this in a way that has felt positive for you. I finished two years of NHS psychotherapy a few months ago, and I was conscious of avoiding the subject for a couple of reasons.
One reason was fear of the fact that my therapist's own views on the subject were unknown to me. I was frightened that she would misperceive me as bigoted.
That would have been awful. Partly because of my need to be liked and approved of. But also because it might have amounted to a revelation that she was captured on the subject and therefore lacking in insight, empathy, independent thought etc. That would have made me lose respect for her, and my goodness I needed to perceive her as having all of the skills we expect of a good therapist, including insight, empathy, independent thought.

Another reason for avoiding the subject was fear that it might have involved me in undermining the therapy by allowing myself to be distracted onto 'political and social issues' as a way of avoiding the deeply personal work of therapy.

But actually, I think it would have been a proper subject for me to approach. Because it just IS deeply personal, deeply destabilising to be confronted with the fact that men are so bizarrely, so intrusively, turning the tables on us in this way, claiming that they are the ones who are unsafe and victimised if we name the identity in virtue of which we, as women, are victimised

To have reason, evidence, your own intensely personal self-experience so brutally disallowed is a significant psychological harm. It is an appropriate subject for therapy. And so is the fear of being accused of bigotry for insisting on reality. As an awful example of people pleasing, this fear goes to the core of what a lot of women (and some men) need to focus on in therapy.

Original poster
idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 15/08/2025 14:14

Charabanc · 15/08/2025 14:05

Well done OP. That must have been really hard for you.

But look - you are drawing boundaries, you are standing up for reality. You faced a very difficult situation, and mastered it. Big steps!!!

@Charabanc thanks. It was terrifying, yes, but also a very helpful process for me as chatting on this thread and then writing it all down really got me to consider why it all mattered so much, especially as a woman who has experienced so much violence and sexual violence at the hands of men.

But also just speaking up for myself on these issues felt empowering.

OP posts:
Lovelyview · 15/08/2025 14:13

I'm hugely impressed op. That's really wonderful news. Thank you for the update and for being brave.

Charabanc · 15/08/2025 14:05

Well done OP. That must have been really hard for you.

But look - you are drawing boundaries, you are standing up for reality. You faced a very difficult situation, and mastered it. Big steps!!!

Original poster
idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 15/08/2025 14:04

Update. I had my session this week and brought the various issues up with my therapist (apart from the fact that I'd looked at his totally unprotected online presence). I wrote down what I wanted to say in advance and read it out, which helped hugely with the fact that I was terrified, shaking like a leaf and sweating through my t-shirt.

Got to say what I wanted to say and felt a huge sense of relief and very proud of myself for saying it all.

He responded reasonably well - kind, open, wanted to talk and listen. I'm not sure how much he really, really gets it, but I sensed a willingness to try.

I felt really emotional afterwards, crying and drinking coffee all the way home. 😂

I'm going to see how the next few sessions unfold.

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 09/08/2025 07:59

BeLemonNow · 09/08/2025 00:47

Great job...keep going! How did it feel / does it feel now?

Obviously not the same context, but I remember what it was like trying to bring up a particular issue in therapy that was personal to therapist.

Or anything. It's extremely hard.

@BeLemonNow thanks. It was pretty nerve wracking, to be honest, but I took that as confirmation that it was something that really, really mattered. I am pleased with myself for raising is because if I were to just walk away I think I'd regret it as something unresolved that we might have worked through, in light of the other good work I think we have done together.

So I guess I felt proud of myself.

No idea how I will delve into it next week. Am even considering reading something out . . .

OP posts:
BeLemonNow · 09/08/2025 00:47

Great job...keep going! How did it feel / does it feel now?

Obviously not the same context, but I remember what it was like trying to bring up a particular issue in therapy that was personal to therapist.

Or anything. It's extremely hard.

Original poster
idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 08/08/2025 23:50

Charabanc · 08/08/2025 19:01

Well done OP for putting yourself forward.

The updated EHRC guidance will be out soon.

I don't think I could continue with a therapist I felt I had to pussyfoot around things with.

Also v much waiting for the updated EHRC guidance!

And thinking about how I move the discussion forward next session, because that will tell me all I need to know I think.

OP posts:
Charabanc · 08/08/2025 19:01

Well done OP for putting yourself forward.

The updated EHRC guidance will be out soon.

I don't think I could continue with a therapist I felt I had to pussyfoot around things with.

Charabanc · 08/08/2025 18:58

Radioundermypillow · 03/08/2025 12:47

I know that, but the majority of therapy training agrees fully with the T part.

I'm sorry, but I think its really surprising that the OP didn't think that this might be an issue when choosing a queer therapist.

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Well by that argument, whether a therapist announces themself as queer, or LGBTQ+++, or whatver, is irrelevant. If they are mindlessly accepting "the training".

MajesticWhine · 08/08/2025 18:52

Good update. It’s difficult to raise this and so it’s good that you found a way to start.

Account734 · 08/08/2025 18:31

I wouldn't be able to trust him again. I don't trust anyone who fights against real women having rights.

Lavender14 · 08/08/2025 18:13

I think that's brilliant op and fair play to you because that can be difficult to do. At the end of the day therapy is YOUR session so you should be enabled to lead it and raise any concerns. I think it's fair for them to ask for more context (also so they can consider things as well) but it's equally fair for you have asked to park it until next week but mark that you want to do that.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 08/08/2025 16:27

Well done for tackling it!

Original poster
idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 08/08/2025 16:09

Thank you @imnotaskingforlunchmeat . I'll update again when I've had the more detailed discussion.

This thread has really helped me clarify my thinking and summon my courage. 💜💚

OP posts:
imnotaskingforlunchmeat · 08/08/2025 15:54

@idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams I am so proud of you! Well done on raising it and in a way that felt safe and manageable for you today. And thank you for updating too. You’ve been on my mind.

Original poster
idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 08/08/2025 14:30

Just returning with a quick update. I had my usual weekly session with my therapist.

I introduced it as something I wanted to discuss, just the shape of it really as I didn’t feel brave enough to dive right in “cold”, so I said along the lines of "I’ve been sitting with something that feels difficult to raise but important. It touches on issues of trust and whether, as a survivor of male violence, I feel truly safe in this space and the reality of my experiences as a woman and our rights, including where biological sex matters, are respected. Could we pick this up next session etc"

He didn’t seem shocked or angry, but I do think he jumped straight to “she wants to leave”. He did ask me for more details and he said it didn’t matter if it wasn’t yet a fully-formed “thing” yet, we could still discuss it. I said I would prefer to discuss in detail the next session.

Just bringing it up in the way I did felt like a big step to be honest, but I feel ready to go into it more detail and that I want to do that, for me. It also made me realised that I am invested in the relationship and the thought of losing it like this does scare me.

But at least I've opened the door now!

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 03/08/2025 22:18

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 03/08/2025 21:55

I don't think I responded to you earlier, sorry. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your thoughts and your personal experience. I am sorry you went through this, but glad you have found some healing.

So much male violence, so much damage. So fucking much.

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@Kurkara and then I forgot to tag you too 🥴

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 03/08/2025 21:55

Kurkara · 02/08/2025 06:18

@idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams I hope you're able to navigate this safely.
It may be that you're actually leaning more heavily on this therapist than you realise, in your healing, and if you stop seeing him you risk relapse, worsening symptoms - at least until you find another service provider you can trust.
On the other hand, the thing about trans rights / gender identity movement in particular is the way they seem to have targeted women seeking help after experiencing sexual violence. If you have started to trust this person, and he takes it on himself to guide you to "reframe your trauma" (in the way that Edinburgh Rape Relief service were) - that will be, imo, gaslighting and super super damaging i.e. no you don't really know the meaning of your experience, you don't experience those male people as men you experience them as if they're other women - you don't know what the words coming out your own mouth mean when you tell your story. That is SO MUCH a replication of the damage of childhood abuse I think any risk of this happening makes the therapy dangerous.
I've thought about this alot because I think I'm very lucky I'm not ten years younger than I am. I accessed counselling through a women's only rape crisis centre in the noughts, and also a women only group for CSA survivors. I think the gaslighting if I was trying to access that help now would have broken me, broken my psyche.

I hope I'm not bogging your thread down with my own story and baggage. I really hope you can navigate this safely and for your own healing. It's a big deal for you to work out.

I don't think I responded to you earlier, sorry. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your thoughts and your personal experience. I am sorry you went through this, but glad you have found some healing.

So much male violence, so much damage. So fucking much.

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 03/08/2025 15:57

rebmacesrevda · 03/08/2025 13:16

You're welcome :)

There are some really good books out there about trauma, how it is stored in the body, and how it affects your nervous system. I recommend mindfulness/ meditation and yoga alongside therapy, as it helps you to understand and regulate emotions and fight-or-flight responses. The books might be a bit heavy going for you if you're in the midst of therapy, but I recommend Headspace app for guided meditation, no matter what's going on in your life.

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Thank you @rebmacesrevda. I read the Body Keeps the Score some months back and found it very useful. A big part of the last year has been me taking my head out of the sand and trying to understand trauma, from a starting point of not accepting that I had experienced any. It's a journey! Part of it has also been about getting back into the sport and exercise that I love, after a period of destructive drinking etc. Yoga has been key to that and then find myself surprised by how meaningful I find it.

OP posts:
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