Inappropriate comments at work - help me explain why

it tends to be very subtle like talking over women, but not the guys, ignoring points made by women but listening if they are backed by another guy, not including me in meetings or involving me

I would not involve HR over these kinds of things - it would come across as petty, you would be seen as over-sensitive, and each event would have plausible deniability.
e.g. "in meeting X on Y date and time, person A talked over me, then when I made a point later person B repeated it as if it was his own idea".
Person A and Person B would just claim you were mistaken, they had misheard, you had misheard, they hadn't intended to ignore you but it was a busy meeting with lots of people talking, etc.
There is no way HR can tackle this. You have to learn to stand up for yourself.

When Person A starts talking over you, you say in a slightly louder voice "If I could just finish", or "I haven't finished speaking" and then most importantly carry on speaking, don't pause or stop to wait for approval to carry on.
When Person B repeats your idea, you say "thanks for summarising my point, can I just add...".

Of course if it is explicit and overtly sexual comments, you complain to HR, or even better collect several examples, with notes you made at the time and preferably with witnesses.

@TheBeaTgoeson1ok very good, I think something like dadsnet is probably a better fit for you

I work in a male dominated environment and have lasted over 30 years. I don’t internalise anything but I pick my battles. Making yourself unlikeable will negatively impact on your promotion prospects. Sorry to be blunt but as you go along/get older it’s more and more about that - and we wims are at a disadvantage already. So If you’d rather not work with this guy then maybe just ask to move teams again. Don’t make it a “woman thing” and instead just say you struggle to work with him and give (relevant) examples of poor performance. Calling out his attitude is unlikely to have any impact esp if he’s a consultant rather than an employee and the most likely impact will be to create a negative impression about you. Don’t put up with it but find a diplomatic route around would be my summary - easier said than done tho!

Assumption is the mother of all f**k ups.

No it’s not a strange hill to die on
I can only assume the poster who said that doesn’t work and /or thinks women shouldn’t work either.

I would address that type of behaviour at source OP, it would be smashed down on the second any of those utterances came out of his mouth. The floor would be wiped relentlessly with him. But I am approaching retirement and am pretty senior, so I suppose I feel more confident to tackle it outright.

This is a strange hill to die on.

I think I'd just say something like "I'm concerned that Dave regularly makes sexist comments. (List your examples). I don't think this contributes to a culture where women are treated with respect."
Its then over to them to decide whether his behaviour contravenes the dignity at work or equalities policies. Personally I think a prudent employer would tell him to rein it in. Given the new preventative duty on employers regarding harassment they will likely want it nipped in the bud if they've any sense.

I've spent much of my career as literally the only woman in the room.

Same. Yet the first six programmers of the first electronic computer, the ENIAC, were all women.

Redhat is a flavour of the Linux operating system, plus a big tech organisation. Linux/Unix systems administration tends to be very male dominated. I've spent much of my career as literally the only woman in the room.

I don't not know what Red Hat is! Off to Google!

If you work at Red Hat, as your name suggests, I suspect that you've got used to the extremely toxic and misogynist nature of tech working environments, in particular the FLOSS communities, and have possibly even internalised some of the attitudes expressed by your male colleagues.

Also - I would make a list of the issues, and include especially the ones that show a pattern of behaviour, and which are either directly inappropriate or undemine workplace professionalism. Better if they can't be simply denied by this guy, that is more difficult for HR to deal with.

In general, I think it helps to think, how will HR be able to deal with this complaint, what courses of action will be open to them, what will their responsibilities be to me and to the person I am complaining about. The simpler you can make it for them the better.

OP, for me the comment of "prostitute of the IT world" comes across differently than it would otherwise specifically because of the other comments that he has already made.

He seems like a sexist, which would be his own business if he kept it to himself, but he is essentially making comments that undermine the professional ability of women, including you and other women in your workplace. That's not ok.

In light of that the comment about prostitutes seems to connect to an overall view of women as demeaned.

I would probably concentrate mostly on the comments undermining professionalism, because I think it is easier to point at those and say, this is a problem for me and also for the company in the workplace. I might bring the other comment into it as well, but it would depend on whether I thought it would be well recieved, or distract from the rest of the complaint. If I did bring it up I would probably point to it as ill judged and another example of not having appropriate boundaries. I might stay away from it being creepy, as that is a little subjective.

I agree. The fact that he was already doing this 4 years ago just goes to prove that it is an attitude, not just banter.

Can you get other female staff to report him doing the same?

the way that he refuses to include me in meetings
This is actionable on its own as it is disrupting the business. You are being paid to be in the meeting and contribute to them.
I would try list the meetings you were excluded from and point out where the impact your role but that should be via your manager as he is steping on your managers authority and messing with their KIP.

And what do you think would happen if you started to push back?
Pointing out he is being rude / unprofessional etc?

Can those of you who want to have whatabouterry discussions about what words mean start your own thread.

The OP has asked for advice. If you dont have any then there is no need to comment.

It is enough that the OP, experiences it as sexism.

The trouble is that this person has obviously not been challenged in the past (Or even applauded by others).

The ASAS leaflet feels a good start, but maybe as the whole HR set up is a bit new, might be better to just start with how you are made to feel uncomfortable, undermined, insulted by his sexism.

(Does he have direct contact with clients, and if so does to talk like this outside of his work group?)

And get HR to at the very least agree that they will review incidences that you can compile.

But also, maybe HR / management need to do something proactive, along the lines of that they are aware they are a male dominiated work force, but want to ensure that the work place is welcoming to women. Which means men having to realise that "banter" they might indulge in in an all male social event is not acceptable at work.

And for those who aren't aware it is sexism to make derogatory and dismissive remarks about someone because of their sex. It is discrimination ie they are breaching the EA.

One of the dictionary which says the word woman can mean adult male human?

Its a slur word in the context given.

The only way his comment makes sense is if the listener understands what "to prositute" means and why it results in such a negitave social valuation "to use yourself in a way that does not deserve respect".

In any case no one in the meeting can say the "OP prostitutes herself for her department" and expect to still be employed by the company.

So the choice of language is creating a hostile work environment and is very unprofessional.

And even your point of reference opts for males within a context :

"Some critics say she prostituted her musical skills by going into pop rather than staying with classical music."

" She went to work in Hollywood and was accused of prostituting herself. "

Hummm.. akward?

Meaning of prostitute in English

prostitute
noun [ C ]
uk
/ˈprɒs.tɪ.tjuːt/ us
/ˈprɑː.stə.tuːt/

a person who has sex with someone for money:
work as a prostitute She'd worked as a prostitute long enough to know how to survive.

male prostitute

Compare
harlot old use disapproving
working girl old-fashioned informal
escort noun (SOCIAL COMPANION)
harlot
hooker (SEX) informal
renter UK slang
rent boy UK informal
sex worker
tart noun
working girl

• She sued the paper for damages after they wrongly described her as a prostitute.
• She accused him of having phone sex with prostitutes while she was away on business trips.
• I noticed a couple of prostitutes plying for business on the corner.

prostitute
verb [ T ]
formal disapproving
uk
/ˈprɒs.tɪ.tjuːt/ us
/ˈprɑː.stə.tuːt/

to use yourself or your abilities or beliefs in a way that does not deserve respect, especially in order to get money:

Some critics say he prostituted his musical skills by going into pop rather than staying with classical music.
prostitute yourself
He went to work in Hollywood and was accused of prostituting himself.

prostitute yourself formal

to have sex for money:
She was arrested and charged with prostituting herself.

prostitute | American Dictionary
prostitute
noun [ C ]
us
/ˈprɑs·tɪˌtut/

someone, usually a woman, who has sex with people for money

prostitute
verb [ T ]
us
/ˈprɑs·tɪˌtut/

to sell yourself by having sex with people for money, or to force someone else to prostitute himself or herself:

Hundreds of widowed or hungry women have had to prostitute themselves to survive.
fig. Some critics say that he is prostituting his writing talent (= using it in a way that does not deserve respect, esp. to earn money).

(I hope there sre still ancient COBOL programs out there. It makes me feel better about the age of the stuff I have to work on.)

Surely a contractor is a 'Prostitute of the IT World'. Paid to do tasks that the existing staff are unwilling to do.

A Consultant would be more of a Belle du Jour, paid highly and perpetuating the happy hooker myth.

I work in IT, I'd probably shrug off the prostitute thing because it is a common comment about contractors. Men really do want to buy into the sex work is work myth, and don't want to see that having to sell sex is actually worse than having to fix an ancient COBOL program.

It would be viewed as a microagression within the org where I work, so while it would be fed up to HR, it would probably just result in a 'light chat' and some mandatory training.

@AnSolas

That bullshit came from the Cambridge dictionary 😆

Would have checked Oxford too but it's behind a pay wall

I don't think we'll agree on this one.

@Clychaugog prostitute is about selling sex and sexual contact.

The sexual bias of women being the seller and men the buyers is why few women would even think to use that word as verb in any social context where she wants to be respected.

If someone has sold you this BS

When used as a verb, prostitute also means 'to use yourself or your abilities or beliefs in a way that does not deserve respect, especially in order to get money'. It's just not a sexual word in this context.

Its about sex and is a "sexual" word.

@RebeccaRedhat
I must be rhe only person who wouldn't be at all bothered by those couple of comments.

You may not be bothered but the OP is in a business which is mainly men who never have to worry about growing babies and how that impacts on their careers. Yet they should all be educated enough to know that type of shit talk can cost their employer money and reputation loss and future business.

Its "low level" sexist bullying which is hardest to stop in businesses which make it harder for women to progress in their careers.

While the 2 incident are not enough for an investigation it could prompt HR to run a basic "dont be an ass because we dont want to be sued course".

The maternity leave comments were out of line, but IMO “prostituting yourself” just means selling your skills to the highest bidder, I don’t consider is to be a sexual comment

Calling himself a “prostitute of the IT world” is wildly inappropriate and at the minimum using inappropriate language in a meeting.

I guess he sees that sort of thing as banter but banter is just a word bullies use to say it wasn’t their fault and other people are getting upset about nothing.

For context, I’m nearly 60 and I’ve worked in engineering or IT for many of those years, often as the only woman. I’ve worked in offices where there were “page 3” type posters on the walls so I’m not unused to that sort of stuff but these days I would challenge that sort of language as inappropriate.

I’m sure there will be another couple of pick mes who agree with you.
It’s not about a few incidents here and there, nor whether an individual woman feels uncomfortable, but rather a pattern of behaviour and the impact this can have on the overall culture of the organisation.